Letters to You
by mpg
Summary: Edward left Bella and was largely able to keep his promise to stay away. However, the news of her passing sends him running back to Forks to say one last goodbye. What discovery there will help him find closure and peace? AU/Angst
1. Preface

**WARNING: Character death & angst. This is not going to be fluffy and light. There will not be a HEA. I'm warning now so that you can avoid this fic if you don't want angst.**

**Also- I know I have other WIPs on the go & by starting this one I am not backing away from any of those. Those who know me know how I work, but I have to write who is talking to me. This is screaming, so I'm writing it to allow space for other projects.**

**Preface**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF)._

_~ 0 ~_

_~{*}~_

_Isabella Marie Michaels (nee Swan)._

_Of Forks, Washington. Passed away 13th September 2054. Aged 67. Beloved Daughter, Wife and Friend. Devoted Mother of Bailey, Rhys and Carianne. Proud Grand-mother of eight. No flowers as requested._

_~{*}~_

I clutched the sheet of paper tightly in my hands, unaware of everything else going on around me. I could only concentrate on what was written before me in black and white as I read it again.

"Alice," I croaked out eventually. "Alice, why didn't you warn me."

My eyes searched my surroundings for my once-favourite sister.

_I'm sorry. I didn't know. It all happened too suddenly. By the time I saw it... it was too late._

I closed my eyes. "How?" I didn't need to elaborate, she knew what I wanted to know.

_It was unexpected. The doctors don't have an answer. They are saying her heart just gave out._

I held back the sob that threatened to escape my lips. My beloved Isabella-my Bella-was gone. I had struggled with my choice to leave her for fifty years, even finding my way back to Forks repeatedly just to see that she was happy. Each time I saw her, she was doing precisely what I had hoped she would do, moving on without me; living a life free from the risk my very existence exposed her too.

"I need to go to the funeral," I whispered to no one in particular.

I could feel the stillness around me, every one of my family had paused the moment the first strangled cry had escaped my lips on seeing the news in print.

Even in the utter quiet, I could hear and feel their grief as sharply as my own. I couldn't escape the waves of pain that ran through me and threatened to immobilise me for eternity. I closed my eyes and remembered the first day I saw Bella. Even after so long, I could recall the exquisite scent that called to me and her shy eyes peeking up at me through a curtain of hair as I stared at her. She had thought I hated her that day, but what I had really been feeling was hatred for the monster that lived in me, the monster that threatened her life every day we were together.

Eventually, Carlisle nodded. "I think enough time has passed to fade the memories of those who knew us. Many will see the resemblance, of course, but not so much that you won't be able to claim a familial link. We won't all be able to go, obviously, but I think two of us should be able to safely return."

_I'll go with you_, came a chorus from at least three minds. It could have even been all six, but I wasn't paying enough attention to be certain.

I shook my head. "I have to do this alone. I have to say goodbye _alone_." My first goodbye, when she was just seventeen, had been hard enough. Even then, I had retreated into myself and refused to pretend to function as a normal human. This one would have deadly consequences for me. I couldn't risk exposing my family to that.

_Please don't, _Alice begged. _I can see what you want to do...I'm just begging you not to. For Carlisle. For Esme. For all of us. We need you, Edward. Promise you won't go through with your plan._

I lowered my head in shame. Shame at the hurt I had inflicted on my family already and at the pain I would inflict on them once my mission was complete. "I can't promise that."

_Then I'm going with you. _Alice's voice was stubborn.

I shook my head minutely. She couldn't come with me. I wouldn't have her separation from Jasper, or worse, her death, on my head. I wouldn't be able to cope with that on top of the guilt I already felt. Guilt at leaving Bella so hurt and broken, for leaving the pieces of her shattered heart behind for someone else to repair.

My mind circled endlessly with shame and despair. If only I had not been so stubborn, would we have had a happy ending? I raised the paper again. _Devoted Mother of Bailey, Rhys and Carianne. Proud Grand-mother of eight. _I read and re-read that one line; trying to remind myself of the reasons why I had left her. _I _couldn't offer her that. I could only offer her blood and death; pain. As a human, she was in constant danger around me and my family. If I had granted her wishes and made her what I am, she would have missed out on the love of her family. On life. She would have been forced to endure a half-life, frozen permanently at eighteen.

I put the thoughts out of my head as best as I was able. There was no time for regret, only for goodbyes. I needed to get to Forks. Checking the date again, I realised I would miss the funeral. Instead, I decided to go to her old house and say my final farewell to my one and only love.

* * *

_A/N:- Well... there's the preface, would love to know what you think. Chapter one shouldn't be very far away :) _


	2. Chapter 1: Forever Yours

**Chapter 1: Forever Yours**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF)._

_~ 0 ~_

I scaled the side of the small house just as I had done so many nights, oh so long ago. I tested the window carefully before pushing it open. I had no idea whether Bella's ability to evade my talent was hereditary, and I didn't want to unknowingly wake anyone inside. It slid easily, without a single sound. I couldn't say why, but it surprised me that someone had been tending to the little house with such great care. I realised the reason for my surprise when I pictured the house as I had seen it when I arrived; it was in desperate need of repair, clearly showing signs of deterioration and age. I furrowed my brow, wondering why a house that had been left to decline so much, had windows that slid as if they were brand-new.

I climbed inside the window and the sight that I beheld took my breath away, and sent me back in time. Bella was lying calmly on the bed, fast asleep. Her rhythmic breathing made the blankets cocooning her rise and fall steadily. Barely a day had passed since I had left her in the forest. Her brown hair was fanned out across the pillow beside her. I smiled, maybe everything that had passed was just some sort of waking nightmare. She was beautiful. I took a step to get closer to her. I wanted to wake her, tell her I had come back. I was here for her. I would never leave again. Her name was on my lips as I sucked in a deep breath to call to her.

My voice fell away as soon as the scent hit me. I closed my eyes and gave a small sob. It wasn't Bella, I had known on some level that it couldn't be. I had seen Bella as she'd aged. I knew she was no longer a teenager, but for one tiny second-for one perfect instant-I had believed the young girl in front of me was my love. The smell was wrong. It was still sweeter than the scent of most humans-it still called loudly to the monster within-but it wasn't Bella's. No blood could be as enticing as hers. The most disturbing thing that told me that, without doubt, it wasn't Bella was the dreams. I could see the girl's dreams in my mind. But also, I could see Bella in the dreams. Grey-haired, with lines formed through years of life and experience, but Bella. I knew it from the warmth in her eyes. The girl's dreams were tinged with sorrow and I realised who it was. A relative-most likely one of the eight grandchildren. I wanted to shake her awake and demand that she tell me about Bella's last years. Were they happy?

I turned my back on the disturbing vision to look around the room of Bella's youth. So much had changed since the last time I was in here-a time that even Bella didn't know about-but so much remained the same. I could swear Bella's scent and beauty still lingered in the air and on each surface. My mind began playing images of nights in the room, of Bella lying against my chest sleeping peacefully while I hummed her lullaby. A rare smile crossed my lips as I remembered the warmth of her breath against my neck. I could easily say those few months with her were, by far, the happiest of my entire existence. I hadn't been happy once since leaving her.

I tried to stop the stream of memories on replay in my mind when they ran towards the painful time. The green forest around us as I told her I was leaving. The look on her face, and in her eyes, as she believed I never loved her. That it was just a game for me. I held myself together through the pain of the thought of it and remembered my mission. I came for one thing, and one thing only, her gifts. Long ago buried and forgotten underneath the floorboards of her bedroom.

As quietly as I was able, I lifted the planks and reached underneath to pull out the treasures I sought. I wanted to take them to her grave as a final offering before following her into the darkness. Not that I would ever truly be able to follow her. She was destined to move on to greater things, to the beauty of heaven. For me there would be nothing. Just darkness and the absence of all things. The absence of her.

As I reached into the small space, my hand closed around something unexpected; a pile of envelopes rested just beneath the boards. I pulled them all out, and went in search of the photos and CD but they were gone. Everything was gone, except for the envelopes. I knew that meant that someone had found the gifts I had left behind. I knew it meant that someone else knew the envelopes were beneath the floor. I wanted to know what the purpose of the envelopes were. I lifted up the pile. The ones at the bottom of the pile were discoloured, obviously yellowed with age. The one on top was almost crisp white. I flicked through them quickly. Each one had the same thing written on the front, _To Edward, _and then a date.

Every part of me froze except for my finger, which slowly traced over each letter. I could tell each one was written with care. As I trailed over the pen marks, I felt connected to Bella somehow. Finally, I replaced the floorboard and left the room, carrying all of the envelopes with me.

I snuck into the forest, just within its boundaries, to the place where, years before, I had watched Bella sunning herself in her backyard. I desperately wanted to open the newest letter, to see what was going on in the mind of my love right before...

I couldn't. I decided to honour her memory by opening the oldest one first. I would read through them in the order that she wrote them. I carefully pulled the folded paper from the aged enveloped. The ink on the page was blotched as though she had been crying when she wrote the letter-or maybe when she re-read it.

_~ 0 ~_

* * *

_16th September 2006_

_Dear Edward,_

_It's been twelve months since you left. Twelve months. This has been, without doubt, the hardest year I have ever had to endure. I can only hope things will slowly begin to get easier._  
_I've finally gathered up the courage to put pen to paper and write to you. I don't know where you are, so I can never post this out, but I hope that one day-maybe many, many years from now-you will pass through the town of Forks again. And when you do, maybe, just maybe, your mind will turn to the girl who was your plaything for a few short months. A blip on your radar no doubt. But just maybe you will think of me and wonder what became of me. One day I will find somewhere to leave this where you might find it. Maybe I will be able to gather enough strength to visit your old house again. I've only done it once and it hurt too much to contemplate doing it again anytime soon._

_I often wonder if you think about me. I think of you. Often. At first, I could think of nothing else. Thoughts of you and memories of you overtook my whole life. I am ashamed to admit I became almost catatonic. I couldn't function anymore-the pain was just too much. Jake helped me with that-at least a little. He helped me get back into the land of the living. At least until he left me too._  
_Sometimes I wonder if the pain over losing you will ever completely disappear, but then I wonder if I want it to. The pain I feel is a result of the depth of the love I felt. To lose the pain is to forget that love. I don't want to forget you. I realise I probably just sound like some love-sick teenager, but you... you know that isn't the case. Or at least, I hope you do. I hope you realise how much you meant to me, even if I was just something to occupy your time._

_I'm still living with Charlie. I decided not to go away to college. I just can't leave Forks. I worry that I might somehow forget you if I don't have the green forests as a constant companion._  
_I know you warned me not to go into the forests alone-that there were dangerous things around, but I can't help it. When I'm deep enough into the trees where I can't see the sky, I can almost believe in fairytales-and that reminds me of you. You were my fairytale._

_I want to tell you everything that has happened to me since you left, but I don't think you would believe half of it. Just know that through it all I am safe. Despite a few bumps in the road, I have kept my promise to you. You haven't kept your end of the bargain though-it isn't like you never existed. For a little while, I felt angry about that, but now I know I prefer it this way. I have learned to accept that perhaps you did love me a little, the way any pet-owner loves their pet. You must have, or else you would have given in to the temptation of my blood_

_~ 0 ~_

I stopped reading when my hands began to tear the page in frustration. She thought I loved her as a _pet_? I wasn't sure I wanted to continue to read her letter. It was too painful. I folded it up and pushed it back into the envelope. I rested my head against a tree as I gathered my thoughts. Bella was writing everything she felt-holding nothing back. I wished I had this type of insight into her thoughts during our time together. I would have made sure she knew the depth of my love. I had shattered her self-esteem when I'd left, and I would hate myself for doing that for...well not quite forever, because I had no intention of living that long.

I sat for at least an hour before my curiosity became too much. I needed to know what else she wrote. To see what happened to her over the years. I knew part of it, but I needed to know the rest. But mostly-I needed to know what the hell she meant by 'despite a few bumps in the road'.

_~ 0 ~_

_For a little while after you left, I was stupid. I realised I could see you, or at least hear your voice, if I did dangerous things. Like riding motor bikes and cliff diving. Don't ask. Seriously, it's too long a story to recount here. But what you do need to know is that Laurent returned. So did Victoria. Don't worry about them though; they are gone. Jake took care of them-another long story._

_When I started this letter, I honestly didn't know what I was going to feel at the end of it. But if I close my eyes, I can almost see your expression as you read different parts. I know your jaw will be tightly clenched right now. You've probably even torn part of the paper once you read Laurent's and Victoria's names._

_~ 0 ~_

I frowned. She was still so obtuse when it came to how she saw herself. Of course, I was concerned with the revelation that Victoria and Laurent had returned. But how could she honestly think I would have been more concerned about that then the fact that she thought I had loved her _as a pet_?

As I read on, I could see her writing the letter. I could picture her chewing on the end of the pen as she wrote. I could see the tears from the beginning of the letter dry and her mouth become almost a small smile. It pained me greatly to think of her like that. So many years had passed.

_~ 0 ~_

_It was my birthday a few days ago, but you probably remember that. I wonder if you spent any time thinking about me at all, or about what happened that day twelve months ago. I thought about it. I wonder how different life might be for me now if it hadn't happened. I hope you forgave Jasper for his part in it. I don't blame him at all. I know it would be easy to, but I can't. He is what he is, and I knew the risk when I agreed to be around your family. I hope in time you come to understand that. I knew the dangers, but I was willing to accept them. For you. For you I would have walked over hot coals. Just know that. This, everything that I've suffered through the past year, was your choice. It was your doing. I'm not saying that to try to make you feel guilty, but I need to acknowledge that to be able to move on. And I finally feel ready to move on. Don't misunderstand me, I still love you. I still want you more than anything else in the world, but I have accepted that you don't want me. That you would rather chase your distractions around the globe._

_As I wrote that last part, I actually started to think of your family. Of Alice in particular. I miss Alice-a lot. I know what you said about clean break, and maybe you were right, maybe not. I can't say-maybe it's still too early to know yet. I just know that I miss her almost as much as I miss you. Almost._

_Alice, if you can see me writing this letter, or others like it in the future...please don't tell Edward. I don't want him coming back out of some misguided sense of guilt. I am writing this letter primarily as my own form of therapy. Your brother hurt me, I'm sure you've seen how much. The fact that he hasn't come running back already is probably testament to the fact that you are respecting my privacy. Or that neither of you care. It's hard to know which some days._

_Edward, If you do read this, you are probably wondering if I'm okay. I think I am...mostly. Some days are harder than others. I did have someone who helped me a little, Jacob Black. I'm sure you remember him too; he interrupted our dance at prom. He helped me rebuild the bikes-please don't be mad at him, it was my idea-and I guess he rebuilt me a little too. Through him I was able to learn to face the world. I learned to smile again. But then...he left me too. I couldn't give him what he wanted. My heart, because it already belongs to someone else. It belongs to you. It has since almost the first time I saw you. It definitely has since our day in the meadow._

_The meadow...I went back there you know. I wanted to revisit that site to try to feel close to you. That's where Laurent found me...alone. But I don't want to talk about that. I can't, it's still too strongly in my mind. Because thinking about Laurent makes me remember Victoria, and I definitely don't like thinking about her. She came so close, Edward. So close to taking my life-it was only because she wanted you to suffer that I am still here today. Alive...but not completely unharmed._

_~ 0 ~_

I ripped the page in half. I wanted to know what Victoria had done to Bella. Why hadn't Alice seen it? What use was a psychic if they couldn't be relied upon when your love's life was in danger? Reading about Bella's pain made me want to go hurtling back into her room. I had to remind myself that this letter chronicled a distant past.

I sighed and laid the two halves of the paper on the ground and read the remaining few paragraphs.

_~ 0 ~_

_I have to ask you to release me from my promise to keep myself safe. I am not saying I want to be reckless or stupid, but I think I am ready to live again. In order to do that, I can't be worrying about whether I am breaking my promise to you. As a trade-off, I will offer you a few promises. First I promise, that I will never forget you-even as I grow older, you will be in my thoughts. Second, I will keep my window oiled. If you ever want to return to my life, I will be waiting. Now I know I sound like a push-over. Great! What I mean is that I will always have a place for you in my heart, you are too deeply imprinted in it for me to ever completely shake you. I still love you, despite the pain you have inflicted on me. I have to hold out hope that the pain was unintentional. If I am wrong in that assumption, please do not correct me. I need that hope to survive._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

_~ 0 ~_

I let loose a howl as I read the parting Bella had given. The letter had spoken of pain, but also of forgiveness. I wondered if it would have been easier to read something filled with hatred and vitriol. At least that was what I felt I deserved. Bella's goodness was one of the things that had drawn me to her. Her sacrificing nature and her purity. I had been drawn into that like a moth to a flame. Only she was the one who was more severely burned by our union. Oh I had suffered, how I had suffered, especially in the early years. But I knew my suffering was for a greater cause. Bella had suffered just for falling in love.

I had never hated myself more than in that instant. I declared then that I would find some way to make it right. I would never be able to apologise to Bella, but there had to be something I could do to make it up to her. I carefully folded to parts of the letter back up and placed them back into the envelope. I selected the next one-it was dated almost three months later-and began to read.

_~ 0 ~_

**A/N:- Well...there's the first full chapter. I'd love to know what you think :)**


	3. Chapter 2: Heartbreaker

**Chapter 2: Heartbreaker**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_~ 0 ~_

_25__th__ December 2006_

_Dear Edward, _

_It's Christmas today. I don't know why I felt I needed to clarify that, I wrote the date right there. I guess I just did. Maybe it's because of a thought I had earlier. I realised I am probably lucky that I never shared a Christmas with you or your family. Not only because you would have no doubt seen it as an excuse to buy some ludicrously expensive gift for me. Mostly because it's one special occasion that holds no memory of you. _

_Is it wrong to admit that? That I like the fact that Christmas doesn't hurt as much as every other day of the year. _

_I found my thoughts wondering to you a lot today. What does your family do for Christmas? I am assuming that you do celebrate it in some respect, especially with Carlisle's past. Do you use it as another opportunity to buy each other things? But then what do you buy the person who has it all? Do you even mark the day as a special? Or is it just one more day in your long existence? _

_I have to say, so far this Christmas has been better than my last. But that isn't difficult. I can barely remember what happened back then, I was so lost. The most I can say of that time is that I functioned. I rose in the morning, as was expected of me, and cooked Charlie a feast that I'm sure lasted for at least the next week. But I didn't enjoy any of it. I didn't taste the food or feel the celebration. I couldn't. I was still too numb. _

_Renee came out from Jacksonville to spend some time with me this year, even though I didn't really want her to. Every time I've talked to her in the past year, she always brings up what happened after you left. She asks if I'm all right. Sometimes I think I might go postal on the next person who asks that. First, the love of my life left me, then... well, who would be all right after what happened to me? _

_Already this morning I have endured that question no less than five times. I guess maybe that's an indicator of how 'not all right' I am. I'm trying. Really, I am. I'm trying so damn hard. I try every day to forget the world you showed me and the life I had a brief glimpse at. Mostly, I try to forget the absolute joy I felt everyday when I was around you. Because the more I think about it, the less 'all right' I become. _

_I try hard not to think of what I could have done differently to have made you stay. It doesn't matter-I think about it anyway. I always come up blank though. I'm sure I told you how much you meant to me. I know I tried to show you regularly. I just have to learn to accept that I didn't mean the same to you. _

_~ 0 ~_

I dropped the letter. I had tried to show her how much I cared, every day that I was with her. How could Bella think she meant nothing to me? _Because that's what you told her_, a voice deep inside me remarked. _Why would she think anything else? _I recognised the voice as the one that had practically crippled me for the first twelve months after I'd left her. The voice that taunted me with the happiness I had found and then thrown away. It was a voice I had finally been able to quieten close to forty-five years ago after a visit to Washington. The fact that it chose the deepest moment of my grief to resurface showed just how insidious the voice was.

For years before I met Bella, I had thought that being a vampire was what made me a monster. It was the part of me that made me desire death and blood above all things. But after leaving Bella, I realised I was wrong. It was not my vampiric nature that had ultimately hurt her-it was my humanity. It was my pride and my absolute love for her that had caused so much damage.

"Whatever, Mom," a girls voice broke my thoughts. It was quickly followed by the slam of a door.

I hadn't realised the time.

_She's hopeless. You'd think she'd understand my need to see Jackson at the moment. I mean, I'm grieving here. Sor-ry if I want to do that in the arms of the man I love. _A steady stream of thoughts floated around me. I recognised the 'voice' as the girl in Bella's room. I pulled the letters closer to me, and watched from my vantage point in the forest as she stalked around the backyard. Her thoughts were erratic until a bike pulled up around the front. Then she squealed, turned on the spot and ran off.

I heard her mother's worry about the boy she was seeing. I wasn't sure whether to dismiss them as errant parental concern, or whether there was something to be genuinely concerned about. God knows Charlie had his issues with me. Then again, considering I was almost ninety older than Bella and lusted after her blood as much as her body, he probably had very good reasons to be concerned. _And his concerns were correct when it came to you hurting her. _

I growled softly at the voice that now refused to leave me alone. I turned my back on the temporary interruption and returned to the letter in front of me.

_~ 0 ~_

_I feel embarrassed to admit this, but I have had these ridiculous thoughts lately that you'll come back soon. Ever since I wrote my last letter, I've been holding out hope. I've done exactly what I promised I would-I've been keeping the window oiled. I don't know why really, but I convinced myself that you would need to use it one day. I know you haven't though. It's impossible. See, I set up a test so that I would know if you had. Nothing noticeable or loud because I didn't want to frighten you off if you came back without wanting me to know. Do you know what it was? A piece of tape. Just one small piece of tape that would fall away if you had opened the window. For one month after my last letter, the first thing I would do every morning is race to the window to see if the tape was still in place. Without fail- it was. Every morning. It's amazing how something as insignificant as tape can have me blubbering like a baby._

_I don't know why I was stupid enough to think my last letter would have changed anything. I never sent it-I _know_ I never sent it. It's sitting not a foot from where I am right now. Even if I believed Alice was watching for you, I asked her not to tell you about it. I would like to think our friendship, such as it was, was enough that she would do as I asked. So why did I think it would be different now? I find myself asking that same question nearly every day. The best answer I can come up with is that it is easier to pretend than the face harsh reality. I know the reality is you don't care about me anymore. That I was a toy to be chewed-up and spit out-not literally of course. But it's easier to live in a world where you are just gone for a little while with every intention of returning rather than one where you 'never existed'. A world where my letter reached you not long after I had written it and as you read you smiled, snarled and laughed in the appropriate places. That any day you will be back in my bedroom or a letter will arrive in the mail from you. I know it's not going to happen, but it's nice to make-believe it will. _

_Charlie has just informed me that Billy is bringing Jacob down a little later-that should be interesting. I wonder if _she_ will be with them. I guess so, they seem to be a package deal lately. I know I shouldn't be so bitter about it all, but I can't help. I mean I was the one who told Jacob that I couldn't love him. That I could never feel anything more for him than friendship. I guess I didn't think it was all or nothing for him though. I thought maybe he could have been there for me-at least as a friend. I guess I was wrong about that too. I don't know why I seem to be unable to hold onto anything important in my life._

_I'm not sure I want to see Jacob again, but I know I don't want to see _her. _The last time I was face to face with _her _was when Victoria... _

_~ 0 ~_

The letter cut off. There was no sign off, just big splotches where her tears had fallen. I scrunched my eyes tightly against the pain I felt. What had Victoria done to her? I knew whatever it was, it was my fault. I had been responsible for introducing Bella to a world where Victoria knew of her existence. I had been the one foolish enough to think that my world wouldn't be able to hurt Bella after I left.

The thoughts from the house drew my attention. The remaining occupant was leaving. I looked back towards the house. It had held the love of my life for over fifty years. I wanted to see what had changed since the last time I stepped inside, and exactly what remained the same. I packed up the letters, pressing them gently into my backpack.

I stood, intending to enter the house and investigate but paused. I could go inside, look through the family's photo albums and combine it with what I already knew to piece together Bella's life, but somehow it felt like I would be cheating her memory to do that. I owed her so much, had caused her so much pain, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her further.

I debated for another second before pushing further into the forest and settling down to pull the next letter. I couldn't help but burn with desire to know what had happened with Victoria and just who the 'she' that Bella kept referring to was.

With great care, I unfolded the next letter.

_~ 0 ~_

26_th__ December 2006_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry for the last letter. I couldn't finish my thought, and then it just didn't seem right to go back to finish it later. _

_I promise one day I will explain why I couldn't keep writing, but it's just too painful a memory right now. It's bad enough having to look at the physical scars. The emotional ones are much more difficult to examine._

_I was right about the package pair. Jacob brought _her_ down with him. And she brought her family-much to Charlie's delight. I had to sit across the table from them while they held hands and talked about what was happening in La Push as if only days had passed since the last time I had seen them-not months. Jacob seemed happy enough. I guess he should be happy-he deserves some happiness. God knows I can't be the one to give it to him. I'm not sure if our friendship will ever go back to what it was-I don't know if it can. He pulled me aside yesterday and apologised. He told me he'd been in love with me the entire time we were friends. That from the very beginning he'd had an ulterior motive. It was hard to hear, but it made understanding why he walked away that much easier. _

_Of course, everyone spent a lot of time asking about me. Was I all right? Had I recovered from everything that happened? And, of course, I did what I always do-smile and nod, pretending everything is okay. If only they knew how many pieces were missing from me, and how many scars cross my heart and soul. I know you will no doubt blame yourself for that. You need to know it wasn't entirely your fault. Although, I have learned to acknowledge that you are not entirely blameless either. See, I've been seeing a counsellor. Apparently, Renee and Charlie are still worried about me. I know this means that I am obviously not as good an actor as I like to pretend to be, but I can't help that part of me that automatically smiles when I am questioned. It's easier to deal with the pity hidden behind their eyes with a smile on my face. _

_I hate to say it, but I find that spending time with the counsellor isn't overly productive. She has helped me a little, but keeps telling me she won't be able to help me absolutely until I am completely honest with her. When she says things like that, I feel like laughing. If I told her the truth, she would probably have me committed. We've discussed my hope that you will return one day. Let's just say she's trying to get me to accept the reality. She tells me that if you moved to Los Angeles and haven't contacted me in fifteen months you won't be contacting me. She thinks it's just a silly crush and that you have moved on to new girls. I threw up just thinking about it. I really hope that there isn't someone else who has captured your heart, not because I don't want you to be happy, I just don't think I could deal with the knowledge of someone else's hands brushing across your body in ways I was never able. _

_The longer you've been gone, the more I find myself thinking about the impossible aspects of our relationship. I often wonder exactly what it would have been like to kiss you with reckless abandon-you know, like they do in the movies. To have thrown my arms around you and not have had to worry about whether it would be too much for you to handle. To know that my presence wasn't causing you pain. Not that I regret a minute of what we had. Given the choice, I would do it all again. The only difference would be that I would ensure it ended better. I would have fought harder to get you to stay. If I knew the depth of the darkness I would experience in your absence, I would have clutched more tightly onto the light. At very least I would ask you not to remove yourself completely from my life. I think that maybe it would have been easier if I at least knew that you were alive. That you think of me from time to time. It makes me feel so weak and helpless to be 'that girl'. The girl who pines away day and night for something that isn't hers, and possibly never was. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella._

_~ 0 ~_

1_st__ January 2007_

_Dear Edward,_

_I did something stupid last night. Really stupid. Although at the time, I guess it seemed like the right thing to do-I mean it must have right? Why else would I have done it? I know I was drunk, but I wasn't _that _drunk._ _Wait...let me start again. _

_Last night, I went to a party with some of the people from school; they're all home for the holidays you know. I didn't really want to go, but Charlie all but kicked me out the door. I knew if I didn't go, I would face a fresh round of 'are you all rights?' I don't have the energy for that._

_Pretty much everyone who was there is used to wild dorm-room parties and accustomed to alcohol, so none of them thought anything of it when the kegs and spirits came out. On the other hand, I'm just a nobody who lives with her father and has never left town. While I was shocked when they started handing out the alcohol as if it were pop, I wanted to show them that I wasn't as lame as I appeared. I know I am, but I didn't want to admit it to any of them. I don't know how much I'd had to drink, but the night is hazy. Very hazy. _

_One thing I can remember clearly is a hand holding mine. One of the boys from school, I refuse to name names and incriminate myself, clutched onto my hand most of the night. He whispered that of everyone, I was the one person he missed the most while he was away. He made me feel almost beautiful again. Not in the way you did-you made me feel worthy for who I was, he merely made me feel desirable for what I looked like. Before I knew what was happening, his hands were caressing the back of my head and his tongue was exploring my mouth. I have never kissed anyone like that before. It felt...nice. The strangest thing is that even though it felt good, it had nothing on the chaste kisses _we_ used to share. They were in a whole other playing field. I was kissing him, and suddenly I was thinking of you. My hand twisted in his hair and even though I knew it was wrong, even though I knew on some level that it wasn't you, I pulled him closer. _

_Almost before I could register what was going to happen next, he'd led me away from everyone else. Hand in hand, we climbed into his truck and he drove us to a little place off the one-ten. The exit you had taken me to when we went to the meadow. From my self-restraint point of view, it was the worst place he could have taken me-it was too full of memories of you. Instead of pushing him away when he kissed me after stopping the car, I pulled him closer still. It was as if the alcohol made my reactions bypass my brain._

_Now I am haunted by the memory of him pressing against me in the cabin of his truck. His fingers moving deftly over the buttons of my clothing, pulling them off in a hurry while the motor and heater kept me warm. The sight of his skin, slick with a sheen of sweat as he pressed himself into me. The feel of his muscles underneath my fingers. It felt right, but at the same time so wrong. Wrong because he wasn't you. I greedily took the love he offered knowing that. We took all the proper precautions, but it hasn't stopped me from worrying about the aftermath. _

_Before you react badly, you have to know he didn't force himself on me or pressure me in any way. He was as gentle as could be expected from someone who had imbibed large quantities of alcohol. _

_But now, in the clear light of day, I know I should never have done it. Not only did I not want to lose my virginity in that way, but worse, so much worse, I've set myself up to break someone's heart. When we parted, he swore his love to me. He confided that he'd been in love with me since my first day at Forks High School. I don't know how to handle that information, although I think I've always known it on some level. Why would he have chased me so persistently in school otherwise? _

_I now have a horrendous task in front of me. I have to tell him I can't do it. I don't think I can rip anyone else's heart out-it's painful just thinking about it-but I have to. It wouldn't be right for me to pretend to be something I'm not just to make him happy. It's not that I don't care for him, or that I want to hurt him. I just can't love him._

_I think I can understand why you left now. _

_But I still love you._

_Forever yours, _

_Bella_

_~ 0 ~_

**A/N:-I hope FFn is good to you long enough that you got to read.**

**Thanks for the responses I've gotten to the first chapter. I've honestly been blown away by the reviews to this already. I hope you continue to enjoy (if that's the right word).**


	4. Chapter 3: Torn

**Chapter 3: Torn**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive & forever patient fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF)._

_A special thank you to my new 2__nd__ beta on this - Boydblog. Thanks for being so helpful & lovely. :)_

~ 0 ~

I scowled as I regarded the damage I had wrought over the small patch of forest. Trunks and limbs of trees lay scattered around my feet, victims of a terrible killing spree. I had flown into a rage after reading Bella's letter. I had torn at the trees in an attempt to satisfy my desire to destroy. Each loud crack that ripped through the air as another large tree fell, echoed my yearning for devastation. Hundred-year-old trees lay side-by-side with saplings, all broken and twisted on the ground. Torn leaves flittered to the forest floor, falling slowly like the tears I could never shed.

No matter how much damage I caused, it could never be enough. I couldn't inflict pain on the one thing I really wanted to–_me_.

An anger coursed through me that I didn't understand. I couldn't comprehend whether I was angry at her for throwing away her virginity so carelessly, or at myself for leaving her in such a fragile state that it had all but driven her down that path.

A small part of me–a crazy insane part–had completely ignored the fact that she had borne children. I continued to imagine her as the innocent she had been when I left her. Her innocence and innate goodness were qualities I had always loved about her. They were part of what had drawn me to her.

Mostly my anger was directed towards my own misguided belief that Bella would be better off thinking I didn't love her. That convincing her that I never cared would be enough to stop her from feeling the sting of my departure. I knew it would hurt her in the short term, but now, after reading these few letters, I knew I had underestimated the way she had felt about me.

I roared out in agony, knowing the pain she had felt was due to _my_ stupidity. The last fifty years had been far from easy for me, and knowing now that Bella had also been hurting made my sacrifice feel hollow and meaningless.

Surprisingly, I didn't want to know which boy she'd given her precious gift to. My mind spent mere seconds ticking through the possibilities before deciding it didn't matter. Who could help but fall under Bella's spell? She was intoxicating. Who could resist her if she turned her force on them? It didn't matter if it was the golden retriever Mike, or the self-conscious Eric, or even the cocky and confident Tyler. Whoever it was would have had his heart broken; just like I had broken Bella's. His heartbreak would be little more than a faint echo of hers. Not only because our love was greater, but because Bella herself loved so deeply. Still, she would have hurt for him just as keenly as he'd felt the pain.

My anger dissipated as quickly as it had erupted and with it, my energy waned. I sank to the ground, falling to my knees with her letters spread in front of me. It was a miracle I hadn't destroyed them during my rampage. I picked up the one that had set off my anger. Without a second glance I refolded it before tucking it back into its envelope. I knew I would never re-read the words she'd written on that page. I would remember every one of them–they would be etched across my mind for eternity–but I couldn't bear to see them penned in her hand again.

I hoped I could find some letters I would be willing to re-read. Something I could cherish like some would a first edition print. I was sure amongst the letters I would find at least one that spoke of happier things. Each unread letter held the potential to be a balm for my guilty conscience. I wanted to find information or words of her healing, of her forgetting me and moving on to live contentedly. I had to believe there was. I wanted to read ahead, to forge on and find her happiness, but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle reading any additional letters when I was in such a fragile state of mind. I gently slid the letters into my backpack and then I ran. I had no idea where I was going and no plan to find salvation.

I found myself in the forest across from Forks High. Both the school and the forest had changed significantly since the last time I had visited. As I weaved through the trees, I heard the voices of everyone inside. Without exception, they felt overwhelming relief that it was mid-afternoon on a Friday. Moments later the bell tolled and the classes were just letting out. Students spewed from the rooms in an almost never-ending stream. No matter how many years passed, nothing changed. Teenagers' thoughts still centred on the latest music, movies and sex.

I tuned them out as best as I could. I had no idea why I was at the school until I found myself halfway to the cafeteria; the place I had first sighted her and where she had first confounded me. I hadn't realised on that day how big an impact she would have on my existence. If I had, would I have tried harder to stay away? I tried to think of my life without having known the light. I realised I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I would trade one thousand years of darkness for just one day of her company. It just hurt that she'd had to suffer through my selfish desire to be close to her, and again my deluded reasoning when I left.

Now that she had gone, I felt an ever present ache. Something was missing from this world; something precious that could never be replaced, no matter how many almost-perfect replicas existed. I wanted a way to follow her into the darkness. I wanted to be able to apologise to her a thousand times for every moment of pain she suffered. Even without the certainty of ending up where she was, I desired freedom from the pain of her absence. Nothingness would be sweet relief compared to the anguish I had felt in the days since her passing. It had settled on me like a shroud. I pulled it tight, holding onto the pain and suffering until I could find peace. Death would wait a few more agonising days so that I could learn about her life without me.

The layout of the cafeteria was different. Like everything else in the town, it held enough similarity to dredge painful memories to the surface, and enough difference to remind me that nothing remained untainted. _Like Bella_. As perfect as my memory of her was, it had been tainted by the letters I had read; and I had read so few.

_Only a handful out of so many. _

_Only a few months out of fifty years._

Could I handle reading the rest? I knew I needed to. She had written them with the intent of me finding them one day, I had no doubt in my mind about that fact. I knew she wanted me to discover them and in doing so, she wanted to share her life with me. I couldn't discard her memory, her existence, as easily as she thought I had discarded her.

I stood in the empty cafeteria as I played with the latch on my bag. I was anxious to read her next letter, but I couldn't trust my frayed emotions. A word from Bella could send me flying into a burning rage. I needed to be somewhere I couldn't do any public damage.

I spent an hour walking the corridors. The school held almost as many precious memories as her bedroom. I had spent so many hours watching over her through other people's thoughts as well as with my own eyes.

"Hey, you can't be here," a janitor called out. I just nodded and waved him off before leaving the grounds. I realised I had no safe haven in the town. The few previous visits I'd made had been with a specific purpose in my mind; a series of strategic strikes. I had visited and left without anyone knowing of my presence. It was because of those visits that I was sure I would soon stumble on a letter from Bella explaining that she was okay. I was certain of it. I had seen tangible proof of her happiness with my own eyes. But that knowledge didn't help my stomach from feeling twisted and hollow when I thought about starting her next letter and reading any more of her experiences. I guessed what I felt was something akin to butterflies in a human, but–as with everything my kind experienced–intensified.

I left the school and began to wander through the town. I passed humans, but with my mind turned so completely to the memory of Bella, their scents didn't register. I passed the diner and couldn't help but notice Bella's doppelganger granddaughter with a young male. I stood watching their interaction as they shared a meal. The young girl's thoughts were consumed with sadness about the passing of her beloved Gran, even though she smiled and laughed along with her companion.

His thoughts were relatively sedate, especially considering he was a young male out with an attractive female on a Friday evening. I sighed, wondering if Bella was ever able to experience something like that; going out for a normal date with a normal boyfriend. As I watched, they grew more consumed with one another and less concerned about the meals in front of them. The boy's thoughts turned to nakedness and images of Bella in various states of undress. It took everything I had to stay unmoving; to remind myself that the precious creature in his thoughts was not _my_ Bella.

I twisted my hands roughly against each other, a grinding sound filling the air with each manipulation. Finally, it became too much. I had to leave. I had spent years feeling like I was unwelcome in the world. I wasn't human, but neither was I completely vampire. I treaded the 'civilised' line down the middle–never completely at ease in either world. Bella had made that line almost worth treading–without her, I had no reason to live either life.

I hurtled through the town like a ghost, confident Bella's old bedroom would be sitting empty for at least a little while longer. I suddenly had the desire to be close to something of hers.

As I ran, memories of Bella filled my mind. Every minute of my short life with Bella ran on a constant loop. I saw each smile and heard each laugh; every precious second Bella had given me during our short time together. Slowly, my memories twisted. Instead of her smiles, I saw her tears. Instead of laughter, I saw her tears and heard her sob. Her sadness consumed me, eating away at me from the inside. Again and again, I was subjected to the memory of leaving her and telling her goodbye. Telling her that she wasn't good for me. I couldn't stand it.

Worse, I could hear her voice echoing around me, calling to me just as she had that afternoon when she had chased me through the forest. I had been so tempted to turn around and allow her to catch up to me. I hated myself for allowing her to be hurt because of me. Even as I ran, I tried to convince myself that it had been for the best that I had left. I only hurt her. I had never meant to lead her as deep into the forest as I had–just as I had never intended her to fall in love with me so deeply.

Her voice called to me repeatedly. As I had on the day I left her, I convinced myself to keep moving forward; to not look back. I was sure it was best for both of us.

As soon as I broke clear of the forest, I threw myself up the side of the building and into the room. I didn't hesitate as I climbed through the well-oiled window.

A thought broke through my consciousness as soon as my feet touched the floor. There was only one reason the window was so well maintained. I fell to my knees and sobbed in the middle of the room. It was for me. Even forty-nine years after she'd made the promise, she was still oiling the window regularly. I could almost guarantee the other windows would creak if I even attempted to move them.

"Bella," I whispered reverently, as though I expected her to be standing right behind me. "I'm so sorry." I sobbed, dry retches heaving through my chest. I had no idea if anyone was home, only that I could not hear anyone's mind.

After an hour of apologies and whispered declarations, I couldn't help myself. I began to explore some of the finer details of the room I hadn't paid attention to on my previous visit. I scanned the bookshelves and the notes on the desk. It all lead to one startling conclusion, this had been Bella's room until very recently. That was why her scent clung so tightly to everything, albeit tainted by the unfamiliar bodies that had no doubt walked through since her departure.

I pulled out a photo album, and froze when I turned the first page. Little metal corners that had long been twisted out of shape clung desperately to a photo in an attempt to hold it in place. It was a photo I recognised immediately. A photo I had once removed from the page in front of me. Bella's handwriting etched along the bottom page: _Edward Cullen, Charlie's Kitchen, Sept. 13th_.

I quickly flicked through the pages. Every photo I had removed the day that I said goodbye was back in its rightful position. I had clearly not fulfilled my promise that it would be as if I had never existed. It confirmed that she had found everything under the floorboards. I wondered when. How many years ago had she discovered them, and did she realise what it meant? Had she realised some time before her death that I had never forgotten about her.

I pulled out the photo I had kept with me through the years. The photo I had stolen from the envelope meant for Renee. It showed Bella and me side-by-side. My face twisted into a mask of self-hatred while Bella's echoed love and concern. I placed my folded, imperfect copy alongside the almost pristine one in the album. I remembered removing it; the photo had been folded in half. The half which showed Bella tucked away from the world. Even while I was removing it in preparation to shatter her heart, I thought it was a travesty. I noted it was now unfolded. I had one thousand questions spring to my mind. At the forefront was how often Bella had glanced upon the pages? And how long ago did she discover the gifts hidden away so tantalisingly close, and yet so far?

I pushed the questions out of my mind and returned my copy of the photo to my pocket. I gently turned to glance at the next few pages, pages of a time when I no longer existed in her life. Besides photos of her graduation, there was a surprisingly big gap in time between the last photo of us, and the next photo of...well anything.

Toward the end of the photo album were photos of Bella and another man; holding hands, smiling and laughing for the camera. The album was a montage of cheerful photos; of children and holidays; of happiness and love. As the years past, the distance between the two primary subjects–between Bella and the other man–grew. Eventually they never appeared in photographs together. I wondered, not for the first time, what her life had been like. What had happened? When her life had ultimately ended, was she happy? If she were watching from Heaven, would she thank me for the decisions I had made on her behalf? I knew where I could get answers, I just didn't know if I was strong enough to endure the heartbreak echoing off the page if the answer was no.

I closed the album gently and pushed it back onto the shelf. I stood and took in the room. I drank deeply of the slowly fading scent of Bella. I traced my fingers along the edge of her dresser. I wanted a memento; something I could hold on to for comfort while I read the rest of her words, but I didn't want to dishonour her memory by taking anything. My internal debate was stilled instantly by the sound of footsteps and the 'voices' of Bella's family tracking closer to the house. Reluctantly, I turned and left the way I had entered.

_Where can you go when the world no longer holds solace for you?_

I chose somewhere I could hide away from the prying eyes of the townsfolk. Somewhere I could stay and not have unwitting visitors interrupt my vigil when I sat to read the rest of Bella's letters.

I ran to the outskirts of town, following old roads that I had no problem recalling. I ran down the hidden drive, my feet crunching against the gravel. I stilled when I reached curve and saw the white house before me. It was nothing like I expected. I wasn't sure exactly what I had expected, but it was not what I saw in front of me.

The white house stood gleaming red in the last rays of the sinking sun. It was as if the sun had fought its way through the cloud cover to welcome me home.

The house wasn't covered with vines, the way I had pictured it in my mind. The grass was overgrown, but not as much as I would have expected. It looked as though it had only sat vacant for a few months, not fifty years.

I pushed open the front door, and almost collapsed under the weight of the unexpected pain that pressed in on me. I managed to stay upright until I entered the house and closed the door. The last time I had walked through the front door, was on the day I'd left Bella. I hadn't had a reason to return to the house since then. I pressed my hand against the door, trying to siphon the agony I felt into the wood and glass. I wanted something to soothe the pain. I needed something. I needed _her._

I dragged myself up the stairs to the third floor, trying to find comfort in the bedroom I had once occupied. It was empty and unfamiliar. No evidence remained of the familial comfort I'd enjoyed previously or Bella's presence. I settled myself into the middle of the room, curling my legs underneath me before laying out my backpack in front of me and sifted through the letters until I found the next one. As I pulled the letter out a second, slightly smaller, envelope slid out and fell to the floor. I picked it up and scanned it. Unlike every other envelope, it was sealed. I picked up the accompanying letter and read it. Tears had stained the page and the writing almost completely washed away, but I could still read and as I did, my resolve broke all over again.

_~ 0 ~_

_21st January 2007_

_Dear Edward,_

_I finally did it. It took everything I have, and then some, but I did it. I have enclosed a letter that I know I will never be able to look at again. I'm taking the counsellor's advice. I might not be able to tell her about it all, but I feel like I can tell you. I would tell you, if you were here._

_I hope that by getting this onto paper, I can finally release what happened to me. I only hope that it stops the nightmares. Everything is there. Everything that happened with Victoria. Everything. _

_I don't know if I want you to read what I have written in the other letter, but I will leave the decision in your hands. It is a chapter of my life I now hope I can close forever, but I can't help wondering if I will ever really be able to._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella._

~ 0 ~

She didn't know if she wanted me to read the sealed letter. I knew I wanted to. I knew I needed to. The question for me was would I be able to?


	5. Chapter 4: Tattered

**Chapter 4: Tattered**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_Thanks again to BoydBlog for agreeing to beta this little baby for me. You rock! :)_

~ 0 ~

2nd May 2006

The tiny crawl space I had squeezed myself into provided no sanctity. It did nothing to block out the noise. All it did was remind me of the darkness in my life now.

I found my thoughts trailing back across the miles, back to the USA—towards Forks. I wondered what my love was doing at this precise moment. It was the middle of the day pacific standard time. I wondered if she had moved on the way I'd hoped, even as part of me believed she never would. My life had no meaning without her, but with me, her life would be wasted. I could never give her children or move forward beyond my frozen state. All I had to offer her was never-ending danger.

I opened my phone and turned it on. The battery was running dangerously low; I would need to break into an electronics store for a replacement. I wanted to be contactable in case Alice called. She always called. Despite asking her not to look into Bella's future, I knew she did. It was one of the reasons I'd left to hunt Victoria. Seeing Bella so forlorn in Alice's visions had nearly killed me those first few months. So many times I'd been ready to run back to her. Without fail, Alice would try to talk me into it, and without fail, that was what ultimately made me stay away. I'd left Bella once; I knew I didn't have the strength to do it again. Instead, I turned my attentions to ensuring her safety from my kind.

As I had expected, my phone rang almost instantly.

"Edward, you need to come home now," Alice murmured.

_Home_, I scoffed silently. As if there was a place on Earth I could call home. The last time anywhere had felt like home I was sitting next to Bella in her living room, reciting lines from _Romeo and Juliet_ in her ear as she watched the movie. That was before the fateful birthday party that made me realise she'd always be in danger, not only from me; my family could also be the ones to deal the deathblow. My stupidity had almost cost the one most precious thing in the world—her life. I felt a greater affinity for Romeo than I ever had before. His mistakes, led to the downfall of Juliet. I refused to make that same mistake, despite the pain and torment it caused me. I better understood the anguish in his words over banishment from Verona.

_There is no world without Verona walls,  
But purgatory, torture, hell itself.  
Hence-banished is banish'd from the world,  
And world's exile is death: then banished,  
Is death mis-term'd: calling death banishment,  
Thou cutt'st my head off with a golden axe,  
And smilest upon the stroke that murders me._

Only _my_ grief was far greater than Romeo's could ever be. He had the option of death when parted from his sweet Juliet; I could earn no such freedom. But more than that, I envied him—his banishment was by the hands of another and could be revoked on a whim. The worst danger to his Juliet was herself. My banishment was self-imposed and caused my self-loathing to grow stronger each day; festering like a wound deep inside, a sore that slowly stole pieces of myself. The worst danger to my Bella was _everything_ in my world.

"Did you hear me?" Alice's voice broke through my pity and returned me to my task.

"Have you seen anything more on Victoria's movements?" I asked, diverting back to the reason I was waiting for her call.

"I have..." she started cautiously.

"And?" I snapped, bringing my fingers to the bridge of my nose. The smells and noises of the people living in the cramped city were beginning to grate on my already raw nerves.

"She's gone."

"What? When?" I demanded.

"She was destroyed—"

"How do you know?" I asked, cutting her off.

"I…I can't answer that, Edward," she murmured.

"Bella." Her name escaped my throat in a choked cry. It was the first time I'd said her name out loud since I'd left her.

Alice seemed to understand what I wanted to know despite my inability to ask. "She's okay, Edward. Bella's alive."

I shut the phone and powered it down. I knew all I needed to. Bella was safe and somehow, miraculously, Victoria was gone. I didn't even care why, or how, I just knew that she was no longer a threat to the one I loved.

I thought I would feel relieved that I could go back to my existence; such as it was without Bella. But I didn't, because I didn't exist without Bella. I knew I was changed for loving her, and I couldn't help thinking of another quote from _Romeo and Juliet_.

_Is love a tender thing? It is too rough,  
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn._

Bella was safer without me nearby. Despite the pain I endured, I knew it was true. For that reason alone, I had no desire to move. Nowhere I went would hold any joy for me any longer—my life was just darkness and pain. I curled tighter in on myself, unwilling to return home. I knew any step I took toward my family was a step toward Bella. Too many steps and I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to see her again; to be near her and to smell the delicious bouquet that would make my throat burn in the most delicious way.

I left the crawl space only when my thirst was too great to ignore any longer. My life descended into little more than a constant cycle of hiding, hunting and then hiding again.

I couldn't help remembering what I'd been doing during one of the hardest times of Bella's life. Just the date on the letter had sent my mind spiralling back to that cramped and putrid place where I hid from the world. I remembered sharply the desire to run to her and never leave again. I had chosen not to, and now it was too late. I couldn't help wondering whether returning would have been the wiser choice. Perhaps we might have found some way to make it work. My heart broke at the lost opportunity.

As I held the letter steady and read Bella's story, my own pain became meaningless. She had suffered so much while I hid away from life like a coward.

~ 0 ~

_21__st__ January 2007_

_Dear Edward,_

_It started on the 29__th__ of April; a date that will go down in my personal history as the second darkest period of my life. The first will always be the 13__th__ of September and the days that follow. _

_Jacob was persistent, trying to push our friendship to the next level. He knew I cared deeply about him, but I never loved him in that way. I was his secret-keeper; he was my protector. He dragged me out of my depression, at least when I was in his company. I had nothing to offer him besides an empty husk of a girl who could never love again, and he deserved so much more than that. I couldn't send him away, because then I would be alone again and I couldn't handle that. We managed to strike a fine balance, but I knew he wanted to push things further. _

_I should probably take things back just one step. I found out some things after you left. You weren't the only one's of your kind to cross the area. You probably knew that already. But Jacob Black... he is something else entirely. He comes from the Indian reservation at La Push and is the natural enemy of your kind. With the help of the rest of his pack, he took care of Laurent. It happened in our meadow. I went back there to feel close to you, and that was where he found me. I wouldn't have survived, were it not for Jake. _

~ 0 ~

I understood exactly what Bella was trying to tell me. I wasn't sure why she didn't write the actual words, whether it was through fear of the discovery of her letters, or because she couldn't bring herself to name his kind. I didn't have the same qualms. Werewolf. Shape-shifter. It didn't matter what term you used, the danger was the same. I'd experienced the likes of them before when Carlisle had made a treaty with them in the 1930's.

I wanted to know more about Jacob. I remembered him from the prom I had attended with Bella. He wasn't a shape-shifter then, I was sure of that much at least. I wondered when it happened. Why? What precipitated his change?

~ 0 ~

_Jake and his pack followed Laurent and stopped him just in time. I was terrified of them then. I didn't understand that it was Jake. Over time, I got to know them and realised they weren't the monsters they appeared to be. They were sweet and caring and looked out for one another. Just like your family. _

~ 0 ~

I felt monstrous as I stared at the blotches on the page where her tears had fallen. I would owe Jacob forever for saving Bella's life, but reading her words made me certain it was I who had put her in the path of danger. It was my existence that had caused her suffering. It was my selfishness that had led to our relationship, and my pride that had driven us apart.

I had been so concerned with chasing Victoria—and staying away from Bella—that I hadn't given Laurent a second thought. I knew he'd gone to live with Tanya and her family in Denali to investigate our 'vegetarian' lifestyle, but I should have followed up. I'd seen the way our kind struggled to exist without human blood. I should have assessed and eliminated _all_ of the threats to Bella. I should have destroyed every vampire who had known of her existence.

~ 0 ~

_Apparently, all of the pack where conspiring against me, my attempt at cliff diving left them with the suspicion that perhaps I was suicidal after all. They'd decided I needed to get away from home for a while. Jake thought it would help if I were reminded of the world outside of Forks. To say I was reluctant was an understatement, but Jake asked me in front of Charlie and I couldn't come up with a decent enough excuse to get out of it. _

_Five of us went to Seattle for the day, Quil, Embry, Leah, Jake and me. I found out later the plan was to try to get Leah and I to help each other. The boys' logic was that both of us had experienced the sharp sting of heartbreak and knew the enduring pain of loss. Both of us pushed people away as a means of dealing with our pain. The problem with their plan was that Leah and I hated each other. She hated me because she thought I was stringing Jacob along and hurting him in the process. I hated her because I knew she was right. I knew he wanted more. I wasn't strong enough; I relied on him too much. I knew it was selfish, but his friendship was the only thing that made waking up in the morning worthwhile. _

_As we passed through the outskirts of Seattle, Jake stopped the car. He'd caught the scent of at least a dozen of your kind mingled together. He quickly left to investigate, taking Quil with him. Embry was charged with protecting Leah and I, and was given strict instructions to take us straight to a populated area in Seattle, somewhere the more traditional of your kind would be unable to go without raising suspicions. _

_In the end, it didn't matter. The one responsible for the coven Jake had detected had an ulterior motive. She wanted one thing—revenge. She was willing to adopt any strategy necessary to get it. Her idea of revenge was to claim mate for mate—you took care of James so she wanted me. Despite everything I told her, even the fact that you didn't show up to rescue me, she wouldn't believe that you never really loved me. _

_I found out later that the coven the boys left to investigate belonged to her, although she didn't live with them and they didn't know who she was. She told me the reason for the secrecy, and I remember feeling terrified for your family when I heard it. The thing that scared me the most was how much she knew about you all. But that was her downfall, she overestimated your feelings for me. It was during the hideously dark days that followed that I learned the truth—about her and about you. _

_After we arrived at a mall, Embry hustled us inside. I hadn't wanted to go on the trip in the first place, but being alone with Embry and Leah made me think my day had gone from bad to worse. I had no idea how horrible it was going to get. _

_From the moment we left Jake and Quil, my mind spun with concern for them—I knew he was strong enough to fight off one, but he'd said there were at least a dozen. Leah wasn't concerned, but she didn't really understand the danger either. She knew the stories, had heard the legends, but had never encountered your kind so didn't know how truly horrific they could be. So while I was busy trying my best not to be worried sick about Jake, Leah worked on convincing Embry to get food for the three of us. _

_As soon as Embry was out of sight, Leah turned me around and marched me out of the mall. She was so strong it was impossible to resist her, at least not without causing a major scene. I knew what she was going to say—the same thing she always said—I thought it was best just to let her get it out. I thought if she did, I would be able to enjoy silence from her for the rest of the day rather than having to deal with her snarky comments. _

_Once we were out in the sunshine, she wheeled me around and confronted me about the way I was treating Jake. For some reason—I wasn't sure if it was just that I was at the end of my tether, or whether stressing about Jake was getting to me—I snapped. I shouted at her that it was none of her business what Jake and I did. That we made each other happy, at least on some level, and that she should have been happy for us because of it. She screamed back that I was selfish and it was no wonder you left me. Her words struck at me like a knife, cleaving their way deeper than any words she had ever uttered in Jake's defence. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to run back inside and find Embry to demand he take me home; back to the familiar green forests which reminded me of you. But I couldn't get enough breath to move, let alone run. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, afraid my tattered heart would flutter uselessly from my chest if I didn't hold it in. _

_I sank to the ground, as I broke down completely. I felt the other shoppers move around me with indifference. To my surprise, Leah grabbed hold of me. She held me against her while I cried. I admitted to her that I didn't feel strong enough to end things with Jake like I knew I should. I wasn't sure how long we sat there for but I felt movement, and saw a shadow roughly Embry's shape behind us. I turned, not sure what to say to him; too emotional to even be embarrassed about the tears streaking down my cheeks. _

_It wasn't Embry._

_In his place was a pale young man. He was wearing a hoodie pulled up over his head, long sleeves covered his arms and black leather gloves adorned his hands. But all of that only vaguely registered as I stared at his face; into his vibrant red eyes. _

"_Well, well," he'd said to me, smiling a grin that showed off all his razor sharp teeth. "_She_ will be pleased."_

_I knew then that I was dead. I knew that Victoria had come to claim her prize. The words Laurent uttered to me in the meadow played on repeat in my head. '_If you knew what she had planned for you, Bella.'

_Before we even had time to scream, the young man had Leah and I roughly tucked up under his arms. We were unable to compete with his unnatural strength. He tossed us like rag dolls into a car. My wrist twisted wickedly as I landed on it, but my captor paid no attention to my cries of pain. Instead he locked the doors and hot-wired the car. I knew there was no way Jacob would be able to find us. Our trail would end at the mall. _

_Our captor refused to look at us or talk to us while he drove us to an unknown location. Despite knowing it was futile, I ripped at the door handles, trying to get out. _

_The one thing I would learn over the next few days was his name—Riley. He was kind to us in comparison to what she would do. _

_The pain in my wrist was _nothing_ compared to the pain that would follow. _


	6. Chapter 5: Tortured

**Chapter 5: Tortured**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for your mad skillz_

**A/N/Warning: This chapter contains violence not suitable for minors. If you have a weak stomach or don't like torture, please do not read on—or wait and skip this chapter and go on to the next.**

~ 0 ~

_As Riley drove, Leah began to babble about having a sore head. I hadn't realised how much he had roughed her up before throwing her into the car. Shortly after, she had drifted into unconsciousness. I tried to rouse her but was unable. I wanted to whisper words of support but I knew he would overhear everything I said. Instead, I shifted a little in my seat and brought her head onto my lap. I rocked her gently as I supported her head, brushing the hair off her face before holding her tightly all the while trying desperately to ignore the sharp stabbing pain in my wrist. _

_The worst part was the knowledge that I was responsible for her pain. It was because of me that Victoria was in Washington. It was because of the way I'd been treating Jake that Leah was alone with me—defending her friend. It was my fault that Leah and the pack had ever become involved in Victoria's twisted web._

~ 0 ~

As I read the letter I shook my head violently. Bella was completely misallocating the blame. I knew, with sickening certainty, who was utterly responsible for the pain that both Leah and Bella had endured; and I would have to see him every time I looked in a mirror for the rest of my existence.

~ 0 ~

_Secretly, I hoped for rescue. I knew I didn't stand a chance against Riley, and I definitely wouldn't survive after he had taken me to Victoria. I hoped desperately that Alice would see what was happening to me. I even hoped that you would find out, because I refused to believe you would abandon me if you knew what was going to happen. A small bubble of hope built within me that maybe I would see you again. I should have known better. I should have realised that when you said you were finished with me, you meant it. _

_Once the car had stopped, I begged our captor to at least let Leah go. She was innocent, she didn't understand the dangers. Nothing I said would convince him. He told me it would be _her_ decision what to do with the superfluous body. I heard his door open and shut. An instant later pain tore through my scalp. _

_He'd twisted his hand roughly into my hair and yanked it to pull me from the car. He didn't even give me a moment to try to get my feet under me before dragging me to a house. My hands naturally rose to grab him, but the useless action sent a sharp pain shooting through my already injured wrist. I scrambled to get purchase on the rocky ground. My legs twisted underneath me, the rocks dug into my knees, but didn't break the skin. I wasn't sure if that was a blessing or a curse. I couldn't help remembering what you once told me about your kind—the comparison with sharks. I hoped that if my blood spilled, it would have been enough to send my captor into a frenzy. As much as I didn't want it to be the end, I knew it would be preferable than being at the mercy of Victoria. _

_I tried to focus on the house into which I was being dragged, but I couldn't make out anything more than vague shapes because red stars were blossoming across my vision due to the pain in my scalp._

_Riley hauled me up by my hair, ignoring the stream of tears running from my eyes and the howls of pain ripping from my throat. I felt his cold hand on my back, before it travelled to my hip and into the pocket of my jeans. He pulled my phone out and dropped it onto the ground, crushing it into tiny pieces beneath his foot. I felt his cold breath run along my throat and whimpered as he informed me what a shame it was that Victoria wanted to play with her food first and assured me that he would be waiting eagerly for the moment she was done with me so he could have his fun. _

_Finally, after what felt like an age, I was thrown into a heap in the corner of a room. My jeans were worn through in patches, the skin underneath reddened and sore. I could already feel the tenderness that indicated blooming bruises patch-working across my body. _

_I had no idea what had become of Leah, or what was happening beyond the four walls that surrounded me. I wasn't tied or secured in any way and the door had no lock. No precautions were taken to prevent my escape and I knew why; escape was impossible. My captors were too powerful. There was no speed I could gather that would be enough to outrun them; no strength I could possess that would allow me to fight them off. It was an impossible challenge and they had nothing to fear. The only potential threats to them were miles away and had no clue where I was. _

_I was left alone for hours to contemplate what was going to happen next. My mind began to dream up all manner of crazy scenarios. I knew pain was coming, and each minute that it was delayed made it seem all the more terrifying. I wasn't sure whether Victoria knew the psychological impact of the game she was playing, or whether she just didn't care about the passing moments. She knew she could take all the time in the world with me and unfortunately, all the time in the world was exactly how long she had. _

_I spent the afternoon staring at the door and wondering maybe, just maybe, I could make a run for it. If I could just get into the car and away before they knew what was happening, maybe I would have a chance. But I knew that thought was nothing more than a fantasy. Neither of them would miss the sound of my footsteps on the gravelled drive nor the noise of the engine starting. Before I knew it, the day had slipped away and night had settled tightly in its place. The room was dark. I scrambled to the wall, trying not to breathe too loudly or make any noise. I hadn't seen or heard a sound from my captors since being tossed inside like a rag doll and I didn't want to draw their attention back to me. _

_I hit the light switch but nothing happened. I should have known better than to hope for electricity. A girly giggle burst out of the corner of the room. I turned toward the sound, but couldn't see through the inky blackness. I felt a breeze brush passed me and the giggle came from the other side of the room. I turned back quickly. If Victoria had come to kill me, I wanted to face her head on. _

_My clothes fluttered against my body a second time as something moved nearby. I circled quickly to see…anything, but again my vision was blocked by the heavy night. I backed up slowly until I felt the smooth, cool surface of the wall press into my back. I spent the rest of the night standing there, keeping guard. As dawn broke through the empty room, I broke down sobbing. I was hungry, tired and cold. I was terrified for myself, but even more scared for Leah. Other than the girlish laughter, I hadn't heard a sound all night. _

_I didn't know how long I had been abandoned in the room for only that it had been at least twelve hours. My stomach snarled angrily at the lack of food; I felt drained from a night of no sleep and my twisted wrist announced itself constantly with stabbing pains that extended to my elbow. _

_I crept forward to the door, still unable to hear a single sound anywhere in the house. I turned the door handle, tempting fate but unable to wait any longer. I had begun to imagine the waiting was worse than any pain Victoria could cause. How wrong I was. _

_I peered anxiously around the door keeping my eyes focused for any movement, however futile the attempt may have been. When I saw nothing, I took one step out of the room. I edged forward along the hallway; barely even breathing for fear that it would alert Victoria to my actions. _

_I reached the living room without meeting any resistance or seeing anyone. I began to wonder if something had happened. Maybe Jake's pack had caught up to her. But I knew if anyone had rescued me, they would have found me easily and I would have known I was safe. _

_I saw the front door askew and I couldn't stop the instinct that drove me forward. Rather than creeping, I ran. My body sensed the possibility of escape and flooded my blood with adrenaline. I pushed through the door and tasted the sweet air of freedom. The car that Riley had stolen was a few long strides away, as if daring me to try to reach it. Sudden concern for Leah had me turn to look toward the house, but as I turned my face connected with something that felt like concrete and I fell to the ground. _

_Seconds later, I came to with the sound of the girlish laughter ringing in my ears. My face throbbed where I had struck the object that I now realised was Victoria's arm. She knelt swiftly in front of me, and wrapped her fingers around my neck with enough strength to block my windpipe, but not enough to crush it. I could tell that she was being extraordinarily careful not to snap her fingers too suddenly and end her fun. _

_While I struggled desperately for oxygen—my lungs burning with need—she pulled me into a kneeling position. _

"_Where are your precious Cullen's?" she asked me in a sing-song voice that belied the menace of her actions. _

_I tried to shake my head and get enough breath to tell her that I didn't know where you were, that I hadn't spoken to you in months, but I couldn't break away from her vice-like grip. I saw white spots and my vision began to fade to black. I hoped it was the end. I longed to be spared the pain of whatever she had in store for me. _

_Finally, her hand released my throat and I drew deep breaths. My brain screamed in agony over the oxygen deprivation, but I couldn't let her know that I was suffering so I tried to keep my face stoic. _

_She asked me again where you were. This time when I didn't answer, she pressed her fingers on the tender spot of my arm. I managed to stop the scream before it escaped, but then her hand circled my wrist and she tightened her grip. I heard a soft popping sound moments before I felt the fire of pain radiating from her touch. This time no amount of self-restraint could hold in my strangled cry. _

_She stood swiftly, never releasing my wrist and I had little choice but to move. She dragged me back into the house and pushed me roughly onto a kitchen chair. I couldn't stop the tears as I told her that I didn't know where you were; that you'd left me and weren't coming back. I told her that I meant _nothing _to you. I wasn't sure whether the tears where due to the pain she was causing or the memory of losing you._

_She scoffed and told me that I wouldn't be alive if that were the case. She said there was no way you would have left me so easily if you didn't care. I wasn't sure if she was trying to convince me or herself. She needed me to mean something to you, so that killing me would be vengeance for James. _

_I shook my head and told her again that you left and hadn't been back since. That I didn't know where you were or what you were doing but my words all fell on deaf ears. She smacked my face again, leaving my already aching cheek screaming for mercy. _

_Over the few hours—I can't say exactly how long just that it was the longest and most excruciating time of my life—she stared at me, daring me to 'lie' to her again. She began to question me at length about James and everything that had happened on his last day. She wanted to know, in depth, what he did to me and what he said. _

_She told me that she knew how to get around Alice's 'little trick' because Laurent had told her all about it and his knowledge had come from those who knew your family. During the whole ordeal, she never decided to torture me. She simply reacted instinctively to my inaction. She told me if I would just tell her where you were she would let me go. I could barely focus on anything but the pain that was running through my body wherever she touched. She was skilled in knowing just how much pressure to use to break a bone cleanly. _

_She boasted about her army and how they would destroy your family the next time you were in Forks. __She didn't care how many lives were lost in the process; they were just collateral damage_. _No matter how many times I told her you weren't coming back, she wouldn't believe me. _

_I was terrified, knowing that the reason she was telling me everything was because she had no fear that I would be able to breathe a word to anyone else. She knew I had no method of escape. _

_Night fell again and I tried my hardest not to think about the pain I was in. I tried even harder not to picture Charlie and how worried he must have been. I was sure Jake would have told him something to alleviate his stress, but I knew that Charlie would only be placated for a short time. Eventually, he would want to talk to me and I didn't know what Jake would be able to do then. _

_Concern for Leah grew rapidly within me. I had been held captive for over twenty-four hours and I still hadn't heard a sound from her. I wanted to know where she was and whether she was still alive. _

_Playing heavily on my mind the whole time was you. As much as I wanted to push thoughts of you out of my mind, being back in your world made it too difficult. I stopped hoping that you'd rescue me, mostly because I didn't want you anywhere near Victoria. I could handle her hurting me any way she wanted, but I couldn't stand the thought of her harming you. Even though you'd left me, and I knew you didn't love me, I didn't want you hurt—especially not because of me. _

_Sometime near midnight she realised I wasn't going to tell her anything more than I already had. She snapped her fingers and called out for Riley. He came into the room carrying a bruised and battered Leah. I was relieved when I realised she was breathing and semi-conscious. However, I couldn't believe the extent of bruising on her body. They ran in a near constant strip from her forehead, extending into the neckline of her tattered shirt. The strangest thing was that the bruises looked weeks, not hours, old. I knew none of them had been present when I had been pulled away from her the previous day. _

_I cried out bitterly when Victoria said she'd continue to hurt Leah until I told her what she wanted to know, or until she was within reach of you and could destroy me in front of you. I watched helpless as Riley ran his fingernail along Leah's arm, leaving a red trail in its wake. Surprisingly, neither Riley nor Victoria reacted with desire to the freshly spilt blood. In fact that both seemed mildly repulsed. _

_As I watched on anxiously, Victoria narrowed her eyes and stalked toward Riley and his captive. She pulled Leah's arm toward her face, running her finger along the wound that had already puckered and was on its way to healing. _

"_What is she?" she demanded of me. _

_I couldn't understand what Victoria was asking. Pain, sleep deprivation and hunger all weighed heavily on me and I could barely focus on anything. For the longest time, I thought I had imagined, or dreamed, what happened next. _

_Leah began to convulse in Riley's arms. Every muscle in her body seemed to be shaking fiercely. Her russet-coloured skin grew scarlet as if burned by the sun. She raised her head and stared directly at me. Anger whirled in her eyes and then, something snapped within her. Suddenly, she was expanding in all directions at once. _

_I heard Riley cry out in pain as his arms could no longer contain the ever-growing girl within them. Victoria screamed in surprise as Leah pushed against her. Even with her talent for escape, Victoria was too close and didn't stand a chance. I scuttled backwards as quickly as I could with the pain that ran throughout my body. I pressed my back against the wall and watched in horror as Leah dealt with our captors. In the meadow, I ran long before Jake had caught up with Laurent, so this was the first time I had seen one of his kind take down one of yours. It was gruesome and loud. I wanted to clamp my hands over my ears and cry out until the noises stopped. _

_But when they finally did stop, I opened my eyes to find myself face to face with the new Leah. I could see the rage rolling through her tightly coiled body. I could tell she blamed me for everything that had happened to her—including her body's reaction to it all. _

_She crouched down and growled at me, a deep throaty noise that sent shivers through my body. I tried to calculate the distance to the door. I needed to try and get space between Leah and me. _

_As if in slow motion, I ran. It felt like I was running through knee-deep wet cement and I could almost feel Leah's warm breath on my neck from behind me. I stumbled and staggered before finally emerging from the house and tumbling onto the gravel. I cried out as I landed heavily, every broken bone grating against raw nerves. I was terrified and angry; I saw red and then everything went black. _

_I came to in the hospital, with Charlie by my side. I quietly listened as he told me what happened—or at least the version of events that Jake had told him. The doctor came in and told me about my injuries. He explained to me that many of my breaks were clean breaks that would heal easily. My mind drifted to you and the words you had spoken in the forest. When I whimpered, Charlie thought it was because of the pain of my injuries and I was quickly given additional painkillers._

_But nothing could numb the pain. As crazy as it might sound, Victoria hunting me was a reminder that you did exist. Now she was gone, and so was my last link to your world. I sunk back into the dark place where I had resided after you left me. _

_Jake came to visit me in the hospital, but I had nothing left to offer him. He didn't want the empty shell of the girl I once was. He was more interested in telling me about Leah. Apparently, she surprised the whole La Push pack with her little trick. They thought that it only affected the men. I listened passively while I stared out the window. _

"_Well…I had better go," Jake said as he stood to leave shortly after finishing his tale. "I promised Leah I'd meet with her to do some training this afternoon."_

_I nodded, not realising that one afternoon of training would lead to a romance no one had expected. Apparently, after finding someone else, Jake had no more use for me. He didn't visit me in the hospital again._

_I was alone, this time with no hope for salvation, at least until the phone call from Alice. _

~ 0 ~

I threw the letter down in disgust. I was shaking with rage over what Victoria had put Bella through. I wanted to find her ashes and resurrect her somehow so that I could have the pleasure of tearing her apart with my bare hands. But much stronger, and more readily rectified, was anger at Alice. _How had she not seen what had happened? Why didn't she try to save Bella if she couldn't contact me?_ And my most urgent question; _why on earth did she call Bella?_

I quickly rummaged through my bag and pulled out my phone. Alice had some explaining to do.

~ 0 ~

**A/N: Hope everyone had a great weekend. Nothing like a bit of angst on a Sunday night (at least here in Australia it's Sunday night) to finish off the weekend...right? **

**Seriously though, thanks again for supporting this fic. When I tenatively posed the question on twitter who would be interested in reading an non-HEA AU angst piece the response wasn't overwhelming, but I pushed on because it was speaking so loudly to me so to have so many wonderful people reading & following this is just great :) **

**I should do some recs, but honestly I haven't read much lately, but you can have a look in my favs for some good fics. **

**CandyTwi's Belladonna & Edwardsisobel's Scent of a Woman spring to mind**

**or if you are in the mood for more angst, go check out CorrinaT's For Everything there is a Reason.**


	7. Chapter 6: Hope

**Chapter 6: Hope**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

I waited on the line as Alice's phone rang out. I tried again immediately, just in case there was a reason she hadn't reached the phone in time—knowing all the while that she'd never let a phone ring more than once if she wanted to answer it. The third time it rang out, I knew without doubt that she was avoiding me. I sighed with exasperation; all I wanted to do was get answers to the myriad of questions running through my mind and she wouldn't even answer the phone.

I ducked my head and let out a growl. I knew there was only one option for me, one way to get the information I desperately needed. I drew in a steadying breath—realising with surprise that there was a faint trace of Bella's scent that still clung to the letter, which helped calm my nerves. I continued to read.

~ 0 ~

_I had literally just arrived home from the hospital when she'd called. Charlie had just finished shuffling me through the door and onto the couch when the phone rang. He helped me to get comfortable before he went to answer the incessant ringing. _

_After the initial 'hello', his voice dropped to a hushed whisper. I strained desperately to hear what was being said. I couldn't say why I was so interested in finding out. Perhaps I knew on some level that the change in Charlie's voice could only mean that he didn't want me hearing—and I knew there was only one reason for that, to protect me. _

_Finally, his voice softened and he appeared around the corner to let me know I had a phone call. He was adamant that I didn't have to take the call if I didn't want to. When I asked who it was—hoping beyond hope that it was you—he told me it was Alice. My heart skipped a beat. It wasn't you, but it was the next best thing. I practically leapt into Charlie's arms so he could help me to the phone. He lifted me onto a chair at the kitchen table and passed me the receiver before leaving me to talk in private. I think he expected tears—he was never good with tears._

_I can't express to you how much relief I felt whilst talking to Alice. She was calm; asking me what happened, ensuring I was okay and—after I told her about Victoria's involvement—finding out what had become of her. I answered all of her questions as thoroughly as I could, all the while biting back on my own. I wanted to know so many things, but I also knew Alice could see my questions as I decided on them and she kept skirting around the issue. Finally, toward the end of the phone call, I asked the one question I was dying to know. "Do you think he's ever coming back?"_

_I held my breath as I waited for her response. She seemed to deliberate on the best words for a while before settling on, "I don't see it happening, but the future can always change." _

_I felt my face fall. I wanted to hear crazy things that I knew weren't possible. I wanted her to tell me that you were missing me as much as I was missing you; that our separation had _some _impact on you. I wanted her to say that you were moments away from running back to me; that you cared for me, and you were glad that Victoria was no longer a threat. But none of those comforting things left her mouth before she hung up all too soon. I can only presume she didn't want to give me false hope, and yet she did give me hope. _

_Over the next days and weeks, the last part of what she had said, 'the future can always change', played on my mind. A tiny seed of hope was planted in my chest and it grew just big enough to hold all the pieces in place. It was that hope that finally allowed me to venture passed my front door again. It was that hope that gave me the courage to stride into the forest near our house; the forest that became my closest friend and confidant months ago, long before I started writing these letters. And it was that hope that allowed me to pick up the 16__th__ September and begin to write to you. _

_I don't know if the scars from my encounter with Victoria will ever fully heal, but hope has brought me to a place where I think I can finally shut the door on it and begin to piece my dreams back together again. Even if those dreams can no longer involve you the way I once wanted them to._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I re-read the latter part of her letter. _Hope_; she lived with hope. It was the emotion that had started her writing the letters.

I tried to remember what hope felt like. It had been such a long time since I'd felt any positive emotions—hope, joy, or even self-respect. My mind was far too busy with its eternal cycle of negative feelings—shame, despair and guilt. I had eventually learned it was easier to fake a smile and pretend to be moving on with my existence. Only Alice and Jasper knew the truth; Jasper because it was impossible to hide any emotion from him and Alice because he wouldn't hide anything from her.

The only emotion I'd felt which could be considered positive was love. But love for me had become twisted and painful. My love for Bella was what triggered my shame, despair and guilt. It was no longer the pure emotion that it had been when I was in her presence.

I staggered against my bedroom wall as I was hit by the one blinding truth—there was no hope for me. Not anymore. Once, there might have been. When Bella had first picked up her pen so many years ago, I might have had the opportunity to salvage something of our love if I had returned to her and begged her for forgiveness. Even later on, after some time had past, there might have been hope. I recalled the times I had seen her since leaving. Each time, I had realised she still harboured at least a passing desire for me. But each time, I couldn't find hope for _us. _I couldn't see a way around our situation—the danger me and my family posed to her—at least not without taking her life, taking her soul, and I couldn't think of a greater sin I could commit. _Except_, I thought, _she's gone anyway. She's left the Earth forever and I can never see her where she is now._

I slithered down the wall, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. _She's in a better place_, I argued back futilely.I wanted to be happy that she had moved on the way I had both hoped and dreaded she would, but I couldn't be. Instead I just felt the ache of loss deep within.

I tried desperately to picture her smile; wherever she was now, she would be smiling. But instead of her smile, my cruel mind showed me our day in the meadow. She had been so trusting. Even when she knew she was in danger, she inextricably felt safe with me. Then my traitorous mind showed me the look on her face as I told her I was leaving. When I told her she wasn't good for me. Her face communicated all her pain. The ultimate irony was that I left because she was too good for me.

I recalled the first time I went back to Forks. Knowing what I knew now, I realised it must have happened shortly after the events with Victoria. It was a little over a month after the phone call from Alice.

~ 0 ~

I had been determined to head straight home. I knew there was nothing holding me in South America any longer. I had pursued Victoria to Rio de Janeiro, but quickly determined my tracking skills were seriously lacking. I had no idea how she'd disappeared so suddenly or where she'd gone. After asking Alice to keep an eye out for any decisions she made, I had done little more than find random hiding places to try to get away from the noise that permeated through every level of my consciousness. In the early days after leaving Bella, I welcomed the thoughts in. I concentrated hard on each one to avoid having to examine my own. But as the days wore on, the constant stream of inane, pointless and shallow thoughts of the humans around me began to grate on my nerves. Thoughts of my family—filled with equal parts pity and anger—drove me quietly mad. That was when I snapped to my mission to rid the world of Victoria.

I had failed.

I had failed Bella in so many ways, and I felt the need to apologise even if I couldn't risk talking to her or seeing her. Instead of heading to Denali, where my family were staying until they could decide on a more permanent location, I found myself near Washington. I promised myself I wouldn't enter the state, but soon realised I was already halfway to Seattle without having changed my course. Then I promised myself I would avoid Forks at all costs, but moments later my feet crossed the familiar town lines. Without thinking about the reasons why, or what it would cost me—or her—I found my feet on the all too familiar path to her house.

I stood in the forest in that overlooked her bedroom window unable to proceed closer. I knew I couldn't take the risk; not because of the call of her blood—I was no longer worried about that—but because I knew if I went even one step closer, I would be unable to leave. I dug my fingers deep into the trunk of a nearby tree in an attempt at stopping myself from flying through her window.

It was still early evening and I could hear Charlie's thoughts moving throughout the house. After a short time, he settled onto the couch with Bella sitting in the room nearby. I could see the worry that passed through his mind. He worried that something was seriously wrong with her, that she would remain the unhappy shell of a girl she had become. On seeing his thoughts, I wanted to return to her immediately and help her find happiness again. I had no idea what had caused her misery; no knowledge of Laurent's return, of her suffering at Riley and Victoria's hands, or of Jacob's abandonment.

At the time, I had wondered what could have caused her so much pain, and could only think of one source; _me_. I had taken a beautiful, lively, _good_ person and hurt her so badly she was barely recognisable as the same girl. I saw flashes in Charlie's mind of the time after I left, of her slowly healing. It stilled my feet. I realised I had left her broken, and others had healed her. I tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine what would happen if I were to suddenly reappear in her life. I knew I couldn't stay permanently, even though the thought of doing so lifted my spirits higher than they had been in…well, since leaving her. But my world was too dangerous, and the risk that I would relent and grant her wish—to turn her into a monster like me—was too great. I considered the damage to her already fragile state would be exacerbated by my appearance and then my eventual departure. Even if I decided I could take the risk and stay with her longer term, walking back into her life would only cause more pain to the fragile beauty who owned my heart.

After my inability to return to her became apparent, I knew I needed to leave as quickly as I could. I couldn't risk her seeing me. I forced my feet to take one slow step away from her house; then another. After the first few hesitant footsteps, it became easier to put one foot in front of the other and run away, because I knew doing so would help Bella in the long term. She would heal and move on. Charlie's thoughts proved that it was already happening. She would be happy eventually despite that niggling doubt in his head. He had seen the improvement she had been making—at least until the accident. The _accident_ I had since learned was actually Victoria's torture.

Before long, I was flying across the countryside, running with no destination in mind. I hit the ocean, but it didn't stop me. I dove straight into the briny depths and started swimming. I kept up my pace throughout the night and into the next day. I eventually surfaced without any knowledge of where I had been heading—I just wanted to get away. I craved freedom; freedom from _everything_. I needed it, almost as much as I needed Bella.

I headed away from all thoughts, all sounds, all life. I wanted nothingness; I longed for peace. After ensuring there were no people around to glimpse my unnatural skin I stumbled onto a white, sunny beach. I saw a large house with many windows just a short walk up the sand.

I was shocked as I recognised the house. Even though I hadn't visited it before, I knew it from my family's thoughts. Even without that knowledge, I immediately recognised Esme's unique style, and her scent criss-crossed with Carlisle's and other members of my family. I clambered up the sand toward the house; Esme's house.

It was the first of many solitary visits to Isle Esme over the years, each one subsequent to a visit to Forks. I couldn't say what I found each time I returned—it certainly wasn't peace—but spending my time alone with images of my time with Bella always gave me the courage I needed to pick myself up and head back to my family for another few years.

~ 0 ~

My phone was ringing in my hand and it took me a moment to focus back on the here and now—the world without Bella—in order to answer. I tried to contain the sobbing that had slowly built within me, but to no avail. I pressed the button to answer the call, not bothering to say 'hello'; I knew who it would be.

"You need to keep reading, Edward," Alice said softly.

I couldn't find my voice so I shook my head. _How could I keep reading when every letter reminded me of how badly I had failed her? _

"She didn't have a bad life."

Questions leapt to the front of my mind all at once. Hundreds of unanswered—perhaps answerless—questions, each demanding to be asked. But one stood out amongst the many. It was by far the biggest and hardest to ask.

"Why?" I croaked.

"Why what?" she asked before falling silent. I hoped desperately that she was seeing a vision and I didn't need to vocalise exactly what I was asking.

"I don't know, Edward," she whispered. "Only you can answer that."

_Could I?_ Once I might have been able to, but in the harsh light of the new day that had dawned—the Bella-less day—all of my justifications seemed meaningless. There wasn't a single part of me that wouldn't trade the next hundred millennia for just one more day with Bella. So why _had_ I left her?

"I'm sorry," Alice said. "One day, when you're ready, I'll tell you what I know and why I couldn't tell you. But please…keep reading."

I nodded before hanging up the phone without another word.

I folded up the letter I had just finished. I hoped it was the most horrendous I would read. I couldn't stand to think of her life getting worse than what she had suffered at Victoria's hands. But even with Alice's reassurances ringing in my ear, I couldn't immediately open the next letter. I couldn't experience any more of Bella's pain, knowing that I might have saved her from it had I stayed.

I left my bag and the pile of letters where they were and walked out into the cool night air to clear my head a little. I found myself drawn again towards the small white house on the edge of town.

~ 0 ~

I waited until I knew the girl who looked like Bella —her granddaughter— was asleep before scaling her bedroom wall again. I slid the window open and climbed inside before creeping into the corner of the room. As I stood watching, I pretended. I pushed the girl's dreams and thoughts as far from my mind as possible and stopped breathing so I could ignore the difference in the smell of her blood. I tried to forget about the intervening years and disregard the visits I'd made to Bella as I watched her grow steadily older. Instead, I imagined it was Bella lying on the bed a few feet away from me. In doing so, I found the closest thing to peace I had experienced in years.

I watched as the girl slept, often fitfully. As the time wore on it became harder to push the knowledge that this wasn't Bella from my head. She began to dream again, and it became impossible to ignore her thoughts any longer. In her mind she was with her Nana Michaels—my Bella—they were sitting together in Bella's bedroom, side by side on the bed with the photo album stretched out before them. The tenor of the dream was more like a memory.

"_Do you love Gramps?" the girl asked. _

_My Bella looked thoughtful for a second and then nodded. "Yes, I do love him. I think a part of me always will."_

"_Then why aren't you together anymore?" the young girl asked. _

_Sadness passed across Bella's face, something missed by the child but that I could see clearly. _

"_Sometimes…" She sighed. "Sometimes love just isn't enough." She plastered a small, fake smile on her face and closed the photo album. She stood to move it back to the shelf on the bookcase. Just before placing it back into its spot, she opened it to the first photo. Her fingers traced a line absently and her face grew saddened again. _

_When she turned back to the child, her lips were set into a smile, but tears shone in her eyes._

I choked down the cry that had threatened to escape. That Bella's sadness was still evident as recently as a few years ago broke my heart anew.

The girl's dream stopped and she woke with a whimper. "Nana," she called out softly. She turned to her pillow and cried softly over her loss, not for the first time I gleaned from her thoughts.

I stood stock still in my corner, not even daring to breathe in case it drew attention to me. After a few minutes, she reached over to her bedside table and grabbed a phone.

I heard a male answer her call. I wondered if it was Jackson—the boy she left with on the motorbike the previous day?

"It's me," she whispered into the phone. "Can you come over…please? I…I…I need you," she sobbed.

The concern in his voice was evident as he agreed to come immediately. I waited until the girl had turned back to her pillow and then I dived for the window. I knew I should have left. I should have returned to my old house and to the letters that would help me find peace before I ended everything. But I couldn't. I wanted to know more about this boy who was with Bella's doppelganger progeny. I knew from the diner that he was relatively harmless, but I wanted to know more. _Who are his parents_? _How did he and Bella's granddaughter find each other_? _Are they in love_? I waited in the forest, concerned with ensuring the boy was treating her right. I wanted to know she wouldn't get her heartbroken…the way I had broken Bella's.

It was about fifteen minutes before he arrived. The roar of his motorbike ripped through the quiet night. He drove the bike over the corner of the lawn and into the forest near my hiding place. From my vantage point, I was able to get a good look at him. I was glad to hear that his thoughts were filled with concern rather than lust. He paused briefly and sniffed at the air. He looked in my direction, but after a moment or two, shook his head. Before I had only been able to tell that he was a young man with russet-coloured skin. But in the brief instant that his face had been turned completely toward me, I recognised him. Jacob Black, but not quite Jacob Black.

"Bella," he whispered up to the window.

I stilled. _Her name was Bella too?_

"Arabella," he whispered again, before swinging himself up onto a rope that the girl—_Bella_—had thrown down for him.

I didn't need Jasper's gift to understand how they felt about each other. I closed my eyes and turned away from the inundation of love that I felt in their thoughts. It was too much to bear. I wished I knew Bella had truly felt about me in the same way. _Would I have believed in the depth of her love if I had been able to experience it for myself_? I never understood that she could love me almost as deeply as I loved her. The pile of letters waiting for me to read proved that she had.

I left the two young lovers alone and ran back to the solitary confines of my house. I didn't think about what I was doing, I simply pulled out the next letter in the pile and opened it.

_14__th__ February 2007_

_Dear Edward,_

_Why is it that the holidays are the hardest days to get through? The days where my mind turns to you almost as soon as I wake up and refuses to let you go. Even holidays created by card companies as a way to get more money. _

_Not too much has changed since I last wrote to you, except that I have started a new job. My old job saw me spending far too much time with the mother of the boy whose heart I'd had to break. After everything that happened between him and me over Christmas, I just couldn't look in her in the eye. For her part, she alternated between giving me sympathetic looks and death glares. It became too hard; I couldn't work there anymore. _

_My new job is at a little shop that sells giftware and knick-knacks. I thought it was a good idea when I applied because it was quieter than the outfitters. But during the last week, I've had a steady stream of Valentine's Day gifts flood by my register. It's hard seeing all those gifts, knowing that I can't buy a gift for the one person I love; knowing I won't even see you on this day made for lovers. _

_I wonder how many Valentine's days will pass before I will begin to get over you. Every time I think I am ready to move on, something will happen or something will remind me of you, and I'll be right back in that dark place again; back in the forest where you left me. The hardness in your eyes when you said goodbye still haunts my nightmares. _

_Overall though, I have been getting better. Each day is a little easier than the last. Purging my mind of the events with Victoria has helped a little. Perhaps not as much as I would have liked or hoped, but I keep trying to remind myself that I can't expect any miracles. _

_My new boss, Blake Michaels, is very supportive though, which helps. He seems to understand my heartbreak and anticipate my needs on a day to day basis. If I am having a particularly hard day, he will allow me to work in the storeroom rather than face the customers. I don't know if he does it for me or for the store though. After all, who wants to buy gifts off someone who is crying? _

_Charlie has been spending less and less time at home. I don't blame him; I'm not very good company most days. He's been spending a lot of his time at La Push with Leah's mom, Sue. I don't know if there is something _more_ happening between them, but I suspect there is. If there is, I'm happy for him. Renee has Phil now, so it would be nice to see Charlie paired off too. He's there even as I write this letter. I guess that probably suggests that something more is happening. Why would they spend this day together, if they don't have some feelings for each other? _

_I have to go, I'm due at work very soon, but I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you today…as if I don't think about you every day. But I thought of you more today._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~0~


	8. Chapter 7: Dreams

**Chapter 7: Dreams**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive and ever-lovely fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz. She tinkered & fixed, then I edited again so all mistakes are on me. _

~ 0 ~

_12__th__ March 2007_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm writing this letter to you late at night—very late in fact. I should have been in bed hours ago, but today was a particularly hard day, although an interesting one. It seemed ironic when I thought about it, because it was this day two years ago that you rescued me and I learned the truth about what you were—another long but interesting day. Do you remember that night? Driving me home from Port Angeles? That was the first time the walls were really down between us. Although with what I know now, I guess you always kept some walls in place. Otherwise I would have known that you could leave. I honestly thought we had forever. _

~ 0 ~

I had torn open Bella's next letter without even thinking about it, curiosity striking the instant I had recognised her married last name; Michaels. I needed to know if Blake Michaels was the one who had captured her heart.

I was surprised Bella recalled the date of the fateful trip to Port Angeles so clearly—and that she thought I wouldn't. It was a sharp reminder of how much I had underestimated her love for me and just how much I had left her down.

Her words filled my mind with images of sitting next to her in my old Volvo and a fresh ache consumed me. Her words from that night echoed through my head and I shivered as I recalled her voice whispering, _'It doesn't matter.'_

It didn't matter to Bella what I was, or even whether I would hurt her. Her trust in me was unwarranted and, ultimately unjustified. I was a monster and had hurt her regardless of my intentions.

I continued to read.

~ 0 ~

_But back to the reason I am sitting here once more, writing my innermost thoughts. Back to the strange day I had today. It started off so normally. Then it went horribly wrong, and then it just became weird; not _your_ kind of weird though, just the regular normal kind of weird. At least…weird for me. _

_It started as a typical day. I woke early in the morning from dreams of you, and nightmares of Victoria before trudging downstairs to find I was already alone in the house. I wondered, but had no way of knowing if Charlie had even been home. He's been spending more and more time in La Push lately, with Sue Clearwater…Leah's mom. I'll tell you all about that fun-fest another day._

_I drove to work, prepared for it to be just another day. The morning past by without incident but a little after lunchtime, something changed. Specifically, the music in the shop changed. Blake decided that classical music would be more soothing and keep the customers browsing longer. His theory was that the longer they browsed, the more they would eventually purchase. I didn't really care what type of music played; I ignored all music studiously. Music reminds me of you and the days when you played your piano or hummed me to sleep at night._

_I ignored the gentle strains of the classical music until finally, I couldn't. One song came on that I couldn't disregard, a song almost as special to me as the one you wrote me; Clare de Lune. I can't even recall what I did after the song started, but I was startled when Blake touched my arm. _

_I twisted my head toward him, realising I had tears streaming down my cheeks and a small pile of shattered glass around my feet. Blake asked if I was alright and I nodded, but he didn't believe me. He ushered me out the back, into the small staff kitchen, and offered me some water. I declined, and then he mentioned something about going home. I nodded, agreeing it would be best if I left, and apologised again for whatever it was I smashed. _

_I picked up the keys to my truck. I turned to thank Blake again, but his hand shot out and grabbed mine lightly, closing my fingers around my car keys. _

"_I said I was driving you home. I'm not going to let you drive in your condition," he told me, in a tone reminiscent of yours when you insisted the same thing after the blood-testing in biology. It was enough to start my tears all over again. I asked what would happen to my truck if he drove me home. _

"_I'll pick you up in the morning," he offered. _

_I shook my head quickly, pulling my hand back from his. But apparently there was no use arguing with him, at least not when it came to the safety of his employees._

_Before I could really comprehend what was happening, we were half-way to my house in his car. I expected him to just drop me off and drive away, but he insisted on coming inside to ensure I was alright. I offered him a drink, and he accepted. He told me that he knew he didn't have a right to ask, but that if I ever wanted to talk to him about what was troubling me he was available. I don't know what he did, but the look on his face or maybe even his voice broke through my carefully constructed fortress and I found myself sobbing against him as I told him everything about you. _

_Well…not _everything _about you. I left out the obvious—for obvious reasons._

_It was bizarre, being able to open up about the heartache I felt without worrying about telling him all the specifics. I guess it was what my counsellor has been trying to get me to do from the beginning. But with Blake it was different somehow, he wasn't expecting me to spill my life story; he just wanted to offer me a shoulder to cry on. _

_It was almost like it used to be with Jake, except it felt like there were fewer expectations with Blake. With Jake my whole flirting to get information about you thing, set the tone of our relationship early on. Then of course we had to contend with the whole craziness of his ancestry crashing down on the two of us. After that, he was always more concerned about what you were rather than what you'd done._

_Anyway, back to this afternoon. Blake and I sat and talked for hours. My tears had finally dried up and I was telling him about some of the better times you and I had, at least as much as I could tell him. I could hardly tell him about running with you, or of our meadow. Instead I settled on our quiet afternoons studying, of you driving me to school. I even told him about how you'd sneak into my room at night; I just didn't specify that you would spend the whole night there. It was good to talk about you in that way, with positive memories and happiness rather than heartbreak and pain._

_Charlie came home from wherever he had been to find Blake and I side by side on the couch. We were sitting with our bodies turned inwards to face each other and were talking animatedly—Blake was telling me about his girlfriend. I hadn't even heard the door open, much less Charlie's quiet footsteps. _

_When I saw him standing over us, I expected him to give me a hard time for being alone in the house with a man or at least to give Blake a hard time for allowing himself to be in the house alone with me. Instead, he smiled and shook Blake's hand before inviting him to stay for dinner. _

_Blake took Charlie up on the invite. In fact, he only left about five minutes before I came upstairs—at a quarter to eleven. He and Charlie got along like a house on fire. The conversation flowed smoothly between the three of us and I found myself laughing along with them often during the night. _

_Laughter—it's something I haven't experienced much since you left._

_I'd better go; I need to get some sleep. I just thought maybe you would like to know that I'm doing okay. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I clasped the letter like a lifeline. My mind processed the reminders of what Bella and I had shared that she'd littered throughout the letter. It astonished me how easily she recalled the tiny details of our time together. I'd assumed that she'd forget the intimate details of our relationship. That within a few years I would be just a blur in her memory—a happy memory I hoped. I survived for years on the small comfort that thought had provided me. To learn that I was incorrect, that even after close to two years she could recall the song that had been playing on my car stereo the first time I drove her home, was a painful experience. Could that simple moment really have been so memorable to her? Or had every moment of our time together been etched as deeply into her psyche as it had been on mine?

I turned my mind away from that painful stream of thoughts, focusing instead on my desire to know what happened next. I needed to confirm Blake was the one she'd married, and why love wasn't enough to keep them together. He obviously looked after her—he had insisted on driving her home after all. But what happened next? Had he broken her heart? I knew where I needed to turn to find the answers; the pile of letters in front of me.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_Happy birthday. _

_I just wanted you to know you were on my mind today. Of course, you're still on my mind every day; it just hurts a little less now. _

_I realise it has been a while since I last wrote a letter to you. In fact, I am certain the last one described an afternoon with Blake. The last few months have been better for me. Easier somehow. I guess that afternoon helped more than I would've ever thought possible. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I thought about the date on her letter; my birthday. It had been the second birthday I'd suffered through since leaving her side and the hardest. It was the year I decided I could pretend. For just one night of the year, I could try to forget that I was staying away from Bella for her own good, and pretend I still meant something to her. It was the second time I visited Forks; a journey that would become an almost annual pilgrimage for me.

I had crept away from my family in the middle of the night. Alice knew I was going, but she did nothing to stop me. I knew it was because she hoped I would find my way back to Bella permanently; even though she knew as well as I did that it wasn't going to happen.

I went for utterly selfish reasons—I just needed to see Bella again. Especially after seeing her so broken the last time I'd been in Forks. I wanted to know that she was all right, but mostly I just ached for her.

I found my way back to Forks without conscious thought, instead I spent my time picturing Bella and recollecting her scent. The last thing I wanted to do was to lose my mind and attack her, so I needed to ensure I was as prepared as I possibly could be. Although I knew nothing could ever truly prepare me for being back in her presence again. It would be like granting sunlight to a man that had been hidden away in a cell, like offering warmth to someone left in the bitter cold or like allowing a condemned man one last sight of true beauty.

I found myself at her house sooner than I would have believed, love granting my feet a swiftness even I had never before experienced. I crossed the lawn carefully, ever mindful of watching eyes. Then I stood for a moment beneath her window, like Romeo waiting for Juliet—only my Juliet would never know of my presence. I took a minute to pause and reflect on my state. I was in agony, but there was nothing new with that. I longed to see Bella, but again that was nothing unusual for me. Most importantly, I believed I had my thirst in control enough to be in her vicinity again.

Once I was as certain as possible of my control, I scaled the side of the house and pushed open the window. It slid so easily, as if it had been anxiously awaiting my return. As I climbed into the bedroom of my beloved, I clutched onto the windowsill to stop myself launching across the room at her. It wasn't her fragrance that drove me insane; it was her lips. Her sweet, red lips pouting slightly as she dreamt of things unknown and unknowable. I took a moment to steady myself before I risked stepping closer to her.

I let my eyes drink deeply of her beauty. The evidence of sorrow that I had witnessed on her face through Charlie's eyes during my last visit was almost completely erased, but I couldn't be sure whether it was because of her slumber or because someone had helped her through it. I ghosted my fingers through the air, tracing the soft curve of her face. I didn't trust myself to actually touch her skin; I knew I didn't deserve to be allowed that pleasure again. But even with the inches between us, I could feel her warmth radiating into my fingertips. I pulled my hand away from her face and gently took a small section of her hair between two of my fingers, letting it gently caress my cool skin before drifting softly back onto the bed.

I knew it was wrong being back in her room, and I knew I would suffer for it, but it was worth it. Five minutes in her presence was worth all the agony in the world—provided it was my agony. I knelt onto the floor beside her bed and rested my hand alongside her face. Her breath breezed over the small hairs on the back of my hand, sending shivers up my arm and throughout my body. I pushed forward on my knees, resting my upper-body on her bed and laying my head over my hand—allowing her breath to wash lightly over my face. I was tempted to close my eyes to enjoy the sensation, but I knew doing so would block her beauty from my vision. I had been without her for so long, I didn't want to waste a second of time that I did have.

The familiar burn at the back of my throat was back with vengeance, but I welcomed it. The burn was tangible proof that I was close to my love again. My body and mind were more relaxed than I had felt in the longest time and I realised I never wanted to be apart from her again. I couldn't even begin to imagine how much it would hurt to tear myself away from her when the time came. _Maybe the time doesn't need to come,_ a small part of my mind whispered quietly, _maybe you can stay. If you want, you can have her forever. _

I shuddered at the thought as soon as it crossed my mind, shying away from it instantly. How could I ask her to give up her soul and throw away her life for me? The answer was easy, I couldn't. I didn't deserve her. I would only cause her pain. _But she wanted it too. _I groaned softly at the battle that had begun in my mind, before stifling it as quickly as I was able. I wanted to spend my time with Bella in peace.

I had been beside her bed for less than an hour—the only almost perfect hour in close to two years. Before her eyelids began to flutter as she reached REM sleep, she began to whisper. The sound of her murmur startled me, instantly reminding me of the first time she uttered my name in her sleep. She mumbled a name, only it wasn't my name on her lips anymore.

"Blake," she whispered again. "I need… He needs… Tell him… You helped." She fell silent.

I was left frozen in the silent room with my mind reeling.

I felt weakened as I realised why the stress that had been so evident last time had been erased. She had obviously moved on—just like I had wanted. But the fact that it was what I had hoped for didn't stop the ache that spread throughout my body. If I could have cried, my tears would have flowed freely at the thought of her in the arms of another man. I knew it was selfish for me to think that way, but I couldn't help it. She would always be the love of my existence and it would always hurt to think of her with someone else.

I knew it was wrong to be in her room. She had moved on. She needed to be free and I needed to leave her life in peace like I had promised. I had to go. It wasn't easy, I had to dig deep into my reserves to find the strength to do it, but I finally managed to drag myself away from her bedside. I knew I had to—for Bella. It was just before one a.m. when I left her; for the third time. But this time I knew there was no coming back.

_For Bella, _I repeated to myself as I ran in the direction of the ocean.

That was the second time I visited Isle Esme alone.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2007…no wait 21__st__ June 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_It's a little after one a.m., and I've just woken from the most vivid dream of you. It's almost like the ghost of you still lingers in the room, and the aroma of you is clinging to my sheets. Like some part of you is hidden away beneath the floorboards or in the walls. I haven't had a dream so _real_ in a long time. It was almost as if I could have reached out and touched you. When I woke, I was certain you would be there. _

_The dream has stirred up all the things I thought were buried deep inside me. Things I thought my friendship with Blake was helping to resolve. But obviously I am still just as big a basket case tonight as the day you first left me. _

_I hate it. _

_I hate that I can't listen to music or watch TV without being reminded of you or seeing your face as you said goodbye. I despise that I can't drive near the school without thinking of the first day that I saw you there, or of the first time you spoke to me, or sitting across from you at lunch, or a hundred other completely random, seemingly insignificant moments. Except none of those moments were insignificant to me. Those brief moments with you made living in Forks worthwhile. They are what makes leaving Forks now so unbearable. It's like I lived for a few short months and now I am dying. Charlie once said to me that I acted not like I had experienced a break-up, but that I had suffered a death. In a way, I did. The death of the life I could see myself having with you._

_The ghost of that life haunted my dreams tonight. I imagined you back in my room, lying beside me. Don't laugh, but I had a moment of stupidity when I was certain you had actually been there. I even checked the tape on the window. But when I saw it was gone, blown across the other side of the room because it was no longer sticky, I realised how foolish I was being. I'm too sensible to hold out hope that it was gone because you had come back. In saying that, I put a fresh piece in its place…just in case. I guess I'm foolish, but hopeful._

_If by some miracle you were in my room, and if you ever return again, please just give me some kind of sign. Let me know somehow that I wasn't completely meaningless to you. You were anything but meaningless to me. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

It pained me to think that the night I had gone back—the night my will would have crumbled if not for her whispering Blake's name—I had missed her waking by such a short fragment of time. If I had known how close a call I'd had at the time, I probably would have convinced myself it was for the best. I would have believed Bella was better off not knowing I was there, or how close I had come to deciding to stay. But reading Bella's letter was proof that it wasn't for the best; that my decision to leave—and to keep leaving—hurt her again and again.

I wanted some way to make it up to her, some method of apologising for doing the one thing I left her to avoid—hurting her. I made a plan and promised myself that I would read as much as I could until the first light of day began to break over the horizon, and then I would visit her. As much as I dreaded seeing the cold hard evidence that she was really gone for good, I couldn't put it off any longer. It wasn't fair to Bella for me to stay away from her any longer.

~ 0 ~

_14__th__ July 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_Blake broke up with his girlfriend today...actually I guess technically she broke up with him. Well, she decided that Forks doesn't agree with her, and he wants to stay. They both moved here from California a little over eighteen months ago when he first bought the shop, but now she has realised that she misses the sun._

_Blake is understandably upset, although he's acting like a typical male about the whole thing. He doesn't want to talk about it and I've never once seen him cry, but I know he's pretty shattered. _

_I just hope I can be there for him the same way he was for me. We can be the two broken people in this sometimes too perfect town. I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but if I hear of one more person I went to school with hooking up and getting engaged…or having a baby, I might just flip. It's hard to be happy for someone when you are heart broken. _

_Blake's been driving me to work lately because my old truck finally died. It's probably a sign that I need to call Jake again, but I'm still avoiding him and Leah as much as I can. It's just too sickening to be near them. Especially lately when every time I see them I have to face Charlie and Sue all loved up too. I'm happy that Charlie has found someone new, I really am, but I can't help feeling like the fifth wheel. _

_I have to admit that sitting around with the four of them often makes me curious about you. Are you still the odd-man out in your family? _

_I'm not sure whether I want you to be or not. On one hand, I don't want you to be unhappy forever. I know I wasn't what you wanted, and love you enough to hope that one day you will find that person who does complete you. But by the same token, I don't want that for you because the thought of you wrapped in another's arms makes my skin crawl. _

_I don't know which life I want for you more. I do know where I want you to be, but I also know that you're not coming back to me. _

_I wonder if there is happiness for me somewhere around the corner. I just can't imagine ever wanting anyone more than I wanted, and still want, you._

_Charlie's just shouted up the stairs that Blake is here, which means I have to go to work. I'll try to write again soon. You know this process would be easier if you wrote back once in a while. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

_P.S. Alice if you're reading this, I miss you, but that wasn't permission for you to tell your brother about my letters. _

_~0~_

**_A/N:- Hi. Sorry. You know what for. Hopefully it won't take so long for my next update. I know I said that last time. One of these days it will be true. _**

**_If you are waiting on chaps for my other stories, they will be coming soon too. _**

**_I hope everyone had happy holidays & a good break from work. _**

**_Have you all seen the pick a pic contest? I have an entry (Taken) & so does my beta Boydblog (seriously run & read her entry "Billionaire" if you haven't already, it is great!) All the entries (all 65 or so) are listed here www(dot)fanfiction-challenges(dot)blogspot(dot)com. Read, review & don't forget to vote for your favourite_**

**_Also, FanFicAnon kindly asked me to interview my hubs Manhoor for a "Men in the Fandom" Spotlight. The resulting chaos is here: fanficaholics(dot)blogspot(dot)com/2011/01/men-of-fandom-manhoor(dot)html?zx=a43256c7a1c8685d. Enjoy :) _**

**_I think that's it for me except to say if you love angst (and seriously 7 chaps into this little ray of sunshine you'd wanna :P) you HAVE to check out Expectations and Other Moving Pieces if you haven't already. It's back being updated regularly & it's still as much of a heartclencher as it ever was. _**


	9. Chapter 8: Gone

**Chapter 8: Gone**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to the lovely FE71SH & my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz & for looking over this not just once but twice to ensure it was just right... Double thanks for betaing even though she's not an angst hoor like me! _

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ July 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_Blake accompanied Charlie and me to the diner tonight. I really can't believe how well those two get along. In fact, they've even been fishing together—which in Charlie's world basically makes them firm friends. It was only last weekend that Blake turned up on our doorstep at 5am. I thought I had somehow messed up my roster times before I realised I never started that early—the shop doesn't even open that early—but then Charlie raced to the door with his tackle box and rod in hand, and I realised what was happening. _

_Despite being left out of the loop, I was glad. They both need time doing 'man' things together. After all, things have been a little…strained lately between Charlie and Billy. I don't know if they'll ever be the same again after everything that went down with Jake and I–not to mention their rivalry over their mutual affection for Sue. _

_As for Blake, during one of our long talks after his ex left, he admitted they had spent all of their spare time together. Consequently, he had no friends, besides me, and no life outside of work. If it wasn't for me, he probably would have fallen into a much deeper depression when she left. The knowledge that I helped him provides me with cold comfort, because the same was once true of Jacob for me. He helped heal me, but that help came at the detriment of our friendship. I sincerely hope Blake and I don't end up in the same situation. I couldn't bear to lose my only real friend. Then again, I'm not secretly in love with Blake, so I'm sure that it won't become a problem in the long run. We will both be able to help each other through our mutual heartache, at least until one of us is ready to date again. _

_So anyway, by the time Charlie and Blake came back from their fishing trip, they were joking like old friends. They brought back a ton of fish and Blake even stayed for dinner. Although, to be honest, he's been over pretty much every night since his ex left. I don't think he wants to be alone and I honestly can't blame him, because it's the moments I am alone that are the hardest to bear. _

_During the cold of night, when the wind pushes the trees against the side of the house, I can almost picture your face looking in through the window. I've had countless dreams of you coming in to my room that way, sometimes to watch me, other times to change me. Those images are the easiest ones to distinguish as dreams, because I know that was something you never wanted to do, I guess because it would have bound me to you in ways that you didn't want._

~ 0 ~

I hated reading any reminder that she thought I didn't want her. If only there was some way I could have shown her just how deeply I loved her, how I was willing to endure a forever without her just to ensure her soul remained pure and unsoiled. I couldn't turn her into a vampire, and risk her becoming the monster that I was. I hadn't been willing to take that selfish road; although now living without her in the world, part of me—the dominant part—wished that I had.

~ 0 ~

_I have to admit I have one peeve about Blake coming over so much–Charlie keeps glancing between us a little too expectantly. It's as if he thinks we're going to start embracing passionately the next time he looks away. I think he's convinced himself that the improvement in my behaviour is a sign of a mended heart, when in reality it's the combination of writing my letters to you and Blake's friendship that have taught me how to survive through my pain. _

_Charlie will never really understand that now I _can_ live—maybe even move on—because by writing these letters I'm not losing touch of my memories of you. The memories still hurt…_I _still hurt, but I know I will survive. One day, maybe I'll even be happy._

_Sitting here alone in my room writing this letter though, I have to laugh. I can't believe Charlie would think that I'd turn to Blake like that anyway. I mean…I'm just not interested in him in that way. Besides he's my boss and my friend, why would I jeopardise either of those things for a relationship—especially when I am still in love with you. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I wondered whether I had misjudged their relationship. Had Bella even loved Blake? Or had she married him just to appease Charlie? I didn't think _my_ Bella would make that sort of choice.

Then it hit me that the girl in the letters wasn't really _my_ Bella; the love of my existence. I would have always loved Bella, no matter what changes she had gone through. However, I had to acknowledge that by the time she had written the letters, she was no longer the same person I had known. It was impossible, because the heartache I had put her though shaped her so significantly. My actions had changed and redefined who she was as a person. I wasn't sure whether it had ultimately made her stronger, or significantly more fragile and vulnerable.

I found myself recalling the many and varied reasons why I'd fallen in love with Bella. There were so many little things that had started my infatuation with her; her silent mind, her scent, the way she had been so inherently trusting. Then her innate goodness sprung to mind. I was struck by the reason she had given for moving to Forks in the first place—she was self-sacrificing for her mother. I realised that maybe, just maybe, Bella could have indeed made the unselfish choice in a partner if she truly believed it would make her father—and the man in question—happy. I clutched the paper as I considered the fact she may have lived for years in a loveless marriage. I was sickened to think that I'd played a lead role in forcing her into such a relationship.

I clung desperately to the one thing Alice had given me—my life preserver in a sea of agony—her statement over the phone. _She didn't have a bad life._

~ 0 ~

_1__st__ December 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_This is a letter I haven't been able to write for a long time. Holding a pen seemed too hard until now, putting it to paper was next to impossible. I'm writing this to you with my heart torn into a million pieces and those pieces scattered far and wide. I don't know if I'll ever be able to force them together again. _

_First you left, and that was hard enough, but now another loss has struck me; another unbearable torment to score painful scars across my soul. I wonder how much of it still remains intact after so much agony. _

_Renee is gone. _

_My mother, my crazy insane mother who looks like me, only prettier, was torn from the world not long after I wrote you my last letter. There was no warning. It was a horrible accident. A car ran a red light and ploughed into the car she was in, killing her instantly. Phil survived, but his arm was shattered. He can no longer pitch or catch, and is unable to continue his career at all. Worse than that, he feels responsible for her death, even though he wasn't able to do anything to avoid the scene. When I saw him in Florida, he wasn't the same man that had married my mother. He is now a man who has nothing left in the world._

_Alice called me moments before it happened, but obviously it was too late for anyone to stop it. Another driver made a split second decision to try to make it through an intersection and now Renee's gone; all because that idiot wanted to shave a few minutes off his trip. _

_I never really comprehended how much pain I would feel over the loss of a parent. I know one of the excuses you always gave for not making me like you was that you didn't want me to have to say goodbye to my parents. Now I understand why you would have wanted me to avoid this pain._

_Pain, like so much in this life, is unavoidable. People will continue to leave me; in the end, perhaps every single person I have ever loved. It won't stop until my chest is nothing but a hollow, empty cavern where a heart once existed and it is impossible for me to love any more. _

_Charlie has taken it awfully hard. He's been damn near inconsolable since our trip to Florida for the funeral. He's been spending hours alone in his room and blocking Sue out of his life completely. It proves to me that Renee was still his one true love, even though they were no longer together. I look at him and I wonder if that is my destiny–to still be longing for your affection so many years after you rejected me. I'm ashamed to say I think it might be. _

_The hardest thing is I don't even know where to start to try to fix him, because I don't even know how to fix myself. How can I convince him to live another day, when I don't feel like it's worth doing myself? I need you Edward. Desperately. I just can't help but think that the pain would be at least a little more manageable if I wasn't still suffering from a broken heart. If I had but one chance to beg you to return to me, I would use it now. Please Edward? Please come back and take me away from this never-ending darkness. _

_The only small ray of light I can see in my life now is Blake. He's such a good friend, and has been an absolute rock for me. He's even been staying with Charlie and I temporarily to ensure we both rise in the morning and eat throughout the day. It's a terrible burden for anyone to bear, but he does so willingly and without complaint. He's also given me leave of absence from work, and told me that my job is waiting when I'm ready to return to it. _

_He's been a wonder and a treasure, and yet he's not enough. I want to be wrapped in your cool arms again. All of this would be easier to deal with from that comfortable embrace. The fact that you aren't here rips fresh strips from my heart. Please help me; I just don't know how to start living again. _

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I felt my fist slam through the dry wall of my room like a hot knife through butter. I felt detached from my body as I wrought damage to the once pristine walls of my bedroom. I lunged at one of the shelves that lined the wall, snapping it off in one swipe. Chunks of plasterboard still clung desperately to the screws that had once held the shelf in place. I hurled it across the room before sinking to the floor with heaving dry sobs wracking my chest.

If I had known of Bella's suffering over the loss of her mother, I would have been at her side in a heartbeat—one of her precious heartbeats. But I hadn't known, and I hadn't been there, so reading the results of her freshly gaping wound was too much for me to handle.

It was a private agony written down to ease her suffering almost fifty years ago, but it felt like it was fresh. I was living her agony now; it had become my agony and I would have to endure it for her in her absence—and with no reassurance of her love at the bottom of her page.

I pounded the floor relentlessly, desiring to inflict pain on myself but having no result other than to shake the whole house and dislodge a chuck of plaster from the ceiling, which fluttered down ineffectively around me. _Why? Why had she suffered? Why hadn't Alice helped, or at very least told me of her sufferin_g? I knew I wasn't going to get answers from my sister, so I searched for answers from my Bella.

My eyes, traitorously clear of tears, searched for her next letter. My fingers tore open the envelope. My long-frozen heart splintered in pain. I rolled over onto my back, holding the paper aloft, desperately wishing for some way to make it all better, even while knowing there was no way I could.

She was right; I left so that she wouldn't have to give up her parents, her life and her soul. And yet, two out of three had been lost anyway, and the third had endured such damage I wondered, like she had, if it even remained intact.

I couldn't think like that; knowing her soul had moved on to a better place—that my sacrifice had ensured that possibility—was the only thing that made my miserable existence worth anything.

~ 0 ~

_5__th__ December 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_Please don't be upset with Alice. She just left my house a couple of hours ago, although I have no idea whether she will be with you now or not because I have no idea how far away you are living. Just know that her visit was the best thing that could have ever happened to me at the moment. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her comfort._

_I think she realised how much I needed you and that in your absence, her presence was the next best thing. I don't know whether my letter precipitated her visit or whether she saw something much more terrible in my future if she didn't come. But it doesn't matter—what matters is that she came. She came and she held me while I cried. I cried for my losses. I cried for Renee and for you. I cried for Charlie and Sue and for the relationship that has faltered before it even really began. _

_It was strange having a set of cold arms wrapped around me, and yet feeling warmer and more alive than I have in a long time. Alice and I talked, really talked. She said she couldn't tell me where you were or what you were doing. In fact, she wouldn't tell me anything about you at all. Instead, we talked about Carlisle and Esme, about Rosalie and Emmett, and about her and Jasper. _

_Her visit helped me to feel marginally better, at least until she explained she probably wouldn't be able to visit again. I am trying to understand. I guess it isn't fair for me to cling to the hope of any of you returning with any permanency; you all have your own lives to lead after all._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I remembered Alice and Jasper's impromptu vacation. I hadn't cared enough about what my family was doing to ask why they were leaving. I had thought they left because Jasper needed space away from the constantly painful, aching swirl of emotions he experienced whenever he was around me. Now, I had learned the real reason. I knew why Alice had left so suddenly, and why they had both returned so distraught.

Alice's strange questions and hypothetical situations crossed my mind. _What if Bella was in desperate agony? Would you want to know? What would you do?_ I'd been so dismissive of her for talking to me about Bella—for bringing my pain back to the surface when it was still so raw—that I had all but driven her away. She had been so careful to keep her thoughts hidden. If only I had thought to question _why_ she was asking, I might have been able to save Bella some torment.

At the time, I hadn't cared enough for my family's pain to consider there might have been a reason beyond the initial loss of Bella—of the one they had thought would become their sister—to explain their constant sorrow. The change for them, loving Bella and accepting her, had been as permanent and almost as profound as it had been for me. By making them leave her, I had torn eight hearts into pieces.

But my family each had their mate, someone to share the sharp pain of loss with. I had no one, so my grief was doubled. Bella was the love of my existence, so my grief was doubled again. Trying to be considerate of their feelings—and their pain—constantly proved too much for me to handle. Eventually, I'd learned to pretend to be involved, but I never functioned in the same way again.

Even our talents, which Alice and I had always shared, became meaningless. I stopped looking at Alice's visions early on, because I couldn't stand to see Bella in pain, and I had to block her thoughts in order to get through the day. In fact, I had to block _all_ of their thoughts because the pity, the grief and the pain was too much to bear on top of my own.

~ 0 ~

_21st December 2007_

_Dear Edward, _

_Charlie and Sue have made up. He's slowly starting to come back to life. He's even returned to work. I've done a couple of short shifts in the storeroom of the store, but I can't face customers just yet. _

_Sue is planning a great big family celebration for Christmas this year, including all of the La Push pack. I think her intention is to take Charlie's and my mind off the fact that it's our first Christmas without Renee. I know her heart is in the right place. I don't think the size of the event matters, nor the fact that I haven't spent the last few Christmases with Renee. She's gone and Christmas will never be the same again. _

_The past few cruel years have taught me one thing, life does go on—even if sometimes you don't want it to. Just once, I would like a little respite. Just once, I would like it to stop and pause and think about the damage it is doing to me. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I stood by the glass wall, resting my forehead on the fragile surface. I stared blankly through my own reflection, through the forest, through _everything_. Instead, I pictured myself dancing with Bella at prom. I remembered how her body had fit with mine, and how effortlessly the two of us had moved together. _How had it all gone so wrong from there?_ I winced as I recalled her hope for how the night would end.

It was her desire to become like me that haunted me. Throughout the years, it had always been both my greatest desire, and my greatest fear. I had turned her down the night of prom, and every time she asked afterwards, because I couldn't change her. I couldn't risk the corruption of her soul.

The sun had risen while I stared unseeingly at the forest. I blinked when I saw the rays; muted slightly by the clouds, hit the skin of my hand, making it slightly luminescent. I knew it wasn't enough to arouse the suspicions of any humans who saw me visiting Bella, but I couldn't be certain that the sun wouldn't suddenly break through the clouds once I arrived to say goodbye. I decided to take the risk, knowing Alice would call me if she thought I was going to be exposed. We cared about each other enough for her to do that at least.

I knew I could have visited Bella during the night, as soon as I had known the time was right, I could have snuck into the cemetery like I used to sneak into her room. But I didn't want my goodbye to be in the cover of darkness. She was sunshine and light—goodness personified—it only seemed appropriate to visit her in the light of day.

I pushed away from the glass panels, turning back into the house to grab her letters before trying to find the most appropriate clothing to wear to see my Bella. As part of our meticulous planning, we always left a car, and a secret stash of clothing and money hidden inside all of our properties, usually stored in an airtight room in the basement. We maintained our supplies occasionally when we passed by the towns, but otherwise they were left untouched so that whatever happened, we would have fast, easy access to clothing, cars and money. It had come in handy once or twice over the years when we'd had to run suddenly from a town when one of us had slipped up. I paused momentarily as a number of horrid incidents flooded my mind, but I pushed them down and kept moving forward to avoid anything that would distract me from visiting my Bella.

I selected the most formal item of mine in storage, a navy blue dinner suit, and folded it over my arm. I felt as if I was preparing myself for a funeral—_my _funeral. Saying goodbye to Bella—seeing her name engraved onto a tombstone—would mark the death of the part me that had struggled to leave her; that always _knew,_ beyond any doubt, I would end up back in her arms one day. Seeing the tangible proof of her absence from the world would mean the death of that delusion; the death of that part of my mind. There was no way now for me to return to Bella. Her soul had moved on to a better place; my soul no longer existed.

I took the keys to the car abandoned with the house so many years ago. While the others had struggled with the decision of which car to leave, or whether to purchase a new one for the sole purpose of being a spare, I had no doubt which car should be granted the privilege of staying behind—of staying close to Bella. My Volvo, the one in which her scent had still lingered when I'd parked it at the back of the multi-bay garage, remained behind. Preserving the memories associated with it was to be my penance for leaving.

I pulled the car cover back slowly, squeezing my eyes shut briefly at the first hint of silver. I folded the dust cover neatly, before running my fingers over the smooth paintwork. I knew someone in my family had returned occasionally to conduct basic maintenance to keep it running over the years, but I hadn't so much as glanced at it since the day I had left Bella.

We had upgraded and replaced every other spare car we had, except this one. I was never involved in those discussions, but I think they all knew what the car meant to me, and that discarding it would be an insult to the relationship Bella and I had shared. As if I hadn't made the ultimate insult in thinking that she would be able to move on without pain.

I slid my hand over the dull paint, feeling all the pits and pockets in the metal caused by the passage of time. I knew from experience just how hard getting our spare cars to run again could be, it usually took Rosalie at least a full day; and that was with ones newer and better maintained than my Volvo. That didn't stop me from cracking open the door and slinking into the seat. I pulled the door shut quickly and breathed deeply.

I kept my eyes closed as I inhaled the stale air inside the car. I instantly knew what was missing; Bella's scent. It had been washed away by time, and by whoever had been doing the maintenance. It was hard to tell because I couldn't smell what _was_…only what _wasn't_. I leaned forward onto the steering wheel and felt another tearless sob wrack my chest.

'_Why are you doing this to me?'_ Bella's voice echoed around my mind.

I turned my head to the right and could almost picture her sitting in the seat beside me in her prom dress. The deep blue of the silk accentuated the soft pink of her almost translucent skin perfectly. Alice had done her make-up so artfully that day; she had subtly highlighted all of her features. I recalled her hair; it had fallen in a beautiful cascade of soft, feminine curls that floated around her shoulders. That night, she had been a beauty to rival even the most unnatural of beauties I had encountered; but then, to me she always was.

I reached out my hand toward the empty space that held the image projected by my mind, and pulled it back, disappointed, when I grasped at nothing but air.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

That whole night had been yet another shining example of how I had always charged in head first and done what I thought was best for her rather than listening to what she actually wanted.

I took another deep breath, ever hopeful—but ever disappointed—that maybe this breath would carry with it a trace of her scent, no matter how minute.

I climbed from the car. Even if I was able to start it immediately, I wouldn't be able to drive it. The memories it held were pressing in on me, assaulting me and leaving my mind tattered and torn. I decided to run, even though I hated the idea of being at the cemetery so unprepared if I needed to leave while humans were watching, but ultimately, I didn't have much choice.

I changed solemnly into the suit and placed the letters into the pocket sewn in the lining of the jacket. I primped myself as best as I could given my limited time, ability and desire, tugging at my hair to wrestle it under control. The only reason was to ensure I was presentable. I didn't know if it would matter or not, I wasn't sure if she would know of the effort I had gone to, but it didn't matter, because I would.

I ran my hand over the car one last time and then I left.

It was finally time to be with my sweetheart again.

~0~


	10. Chapter 9: Angel

**Chapter 9: Angel**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my absolutely amazing fic-wifeys Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF, even though I don't always talk to you as much as I want you are always in my thoughts_

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz-seriously she makes herself so available to me & her help and support is priceless._

~ 0 ~

_10__th__ June 2008_

_Dear Edward, _

_I have found new hope, in the most unlikely of places. Charlie, of all people, has shown me it is possible to be happy with someone else; he proposed to Sue. The two of them seem so happy together. They've thrown themselves straight into the wedding plans. I have to admit that the whole thing has given me the desire to at least try to be happy again, maybe one day I will be able to. I know I owe it to myself, and the love I have for you, to at least try to move on._

_In keeping with my new plan, I agreed to go out with Blake yesterday. We drove into Port Angeles for the night. He suggested Bella Italia but I couldn't go there, at least not yet, there are still too many memories of you. Instead, we went to Smuggler's Landing and enjoyed a nice meal there. After that, we went for a stroll along the boardwalk._

_I guess you could say it was our first _date_. It was very odd, but surprisingly easy to transition from friends to something more. It feels easy, but at the same time so hard. We get along so well that hours can pass in quiet conversation, but he doesn't quite give me the same butterflies as you did. I guess it's unfair of me to expect him to. I don't think I will ever again feel what I felt when you were here. Even the lingering memory of your kiss is more powerful than one of Blake's. But that doesn't mean I can't find some sort of happiness with him...right?_

_Trust me when I say, Blake is a good man. He's the best I've met in a long time and I think, in fact I'm certain, that maybe I can be happy with him. At the very least, I'm going to try, but that doesn't make me love you any less. In fact, it's because I love you that I am willing to try this at all. I'm moving on the way you wanted me to. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I had become immobilised with pain the moment I saw Bella's tombstone. Even from across the cemetery I could read the elegant, bold script:

_Isabella Marie Michaels (nee Swan)._

_Sept 13, 1987 – Sept 13, 2054_

_Forever loving; forever loved_

I wondered who had selected her epitaph, because I couldn't imagine a truer one existed. It was almost as if her hand had reached down from heaven to strike the words into the headstone. It felt like the words were specifically meant for me to read and understand. It struck me briefly that she may have even selected it herself before her death. If so, had she known in the end just how much I had loved her? I sank to my knees in agony a little over four hundred yards away, knowing I needed to cross the final, short distance to truly say I had returned, but unable to force my feet to take the steps.

Instead, I pulled out her letters and started to read, trying to draw comfort from her. At first I found little, her letters were still filled with heartache, but then I found the description of her first date with Blake and I found hope. Her desire for happiness filled me with a strange comforting warmth. Her next letter, another birthday note, helped me find my way back to my feet.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2008_

_Dear Edward, _

_Happy birthday! _

_This is the third birthday of yours that I've spent apart from you. Each one is actually a little easier than the last, but that doesn't stop me wishing that somehow _I_ could be your birthday present somehow; even if it was for only one day. _

_I know I probably shouldn't say that when I have a…boyfriend. It's funny, that word feels so much more appropriate for Blake than it ever did for you. It never seemed quite _strong_ enough to describe how I felt about you. I think it's adequate for Blake. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I drew the strength I needed from her slow healing and took one agonising step after another. Each step carried me closer to the resting place of the mortal vessel that had once contained the most pure soul in existence.

When I finally reached her grave, I sunk to my knees again. I could still see the lines marking the squares of turf covering her resting place. Her body lay just there, beneath a few feet of earth. I closed my eyes and imagined her as she would be; her lips cool and white, her skin pale and cold. In my mind, death had released her body's hold on her soul, but was unable to banish her beauty.

_Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,  
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty._

I rested my hand lightly on the damp grass. My fingers dipped into the soil, as if they knew my love lay just below and were seeking her out. I tried to find some peace, but there was none before me. I tried to find words to express my sorrow to her, but my voice was gone.

I knew I wasn't able to leave until I had adequately apologised for the hurt I had inflicted on her. I needed more strength. I needed more comfort. I needed more _Bella_.

I selected her next letter and read, once I finished that one, I selected the next. There were pages of details of dates with Blake. Through the course of her letters, she began to question her right for happiness less and actually seemed to accept that she did deserve it.

~ 0 ~

_10__th__ October 2008_

_Dear Edward,_

_Charlie and Sue are getting married tomorrow. It should be a happy occasion, but I have to admit I worry about him sometimes. Although he seems so happy, I can see the sorrow that dwells deep in his eyes every now and then. It's especially evident in our quiet moments together. I know he still mourns for the loss of Renee, both the recent, permanent one, but also the one he suffered so long ago. He will live with that sorrow forever. I'm not sure how I can be certain of it, but it's almost as if my own sorrow recognises its counterpart. I wonder whether it means that Charlie knows I'm not as happy as I ought to be with such an attentive, caring boyfriend and a seemingly satisfying life. _

_I can't help the way I feel when I think about you, and I know that sadness is now a permanent inhabitant in my soul. No matter how happy my days are, no matter how free I can feel at times, it's there, eating away at my heart. Especially in the still of night._

_I'm not sure how I will feel after tomorrow. Charlie is giving me the house. He has signed the deed over to me because he is moving to La Push to live with Sue. He told me, as he packed up the last of his belongings, that it's something he's needed to do for a while because the house is too full of memories for him. It was a rare moment of openness and complete honesty between us._

_I know I should be happy about his generous gift, but it means that tomorrow evening I will return to the house and be alone; completely alone. I don't how I will feel once it has actually happened, but right now, I feel a little lost and very empty at the thought. I will have no distractions in the evening to stop the sadness from creeping into my everyday actions. I will have no one to care for and talk to in order to take my mind off you. I haven't worked out what it will mean for me to be constantly alone with the memory of you._

_I know it might be hard to believe, it's hard for me to believe it, but I think I might be okay. Thankfully, I have Blake to help me out if things get too much. I don't know what he can do other than provide me with a little company, but perhaps that will be all I need. _

_I have a big task tomorrow, I am the Maid of Honour, or at least I am sharing the duties with Leah. You should see my dress. I think you would like it. I almost cried when they showed me the blue they had selected. I remember you once complimented me when I wore a similar shade. I will be taking the memory of that compliment with me as I walk down the aisle beside Leah tomorrow. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I let the letter fall to the ground before closing my eyes and picturing Bella in her prom dress, the very image that had been haunting me earlier. I saw her behind my eyes and watched her laughing as our bodies pressed tightly together as I whirled her around the high school gymnasium. Alice and Jasper, and Rosalie and Emmett, spun elegantly around in my periphery, but I only had eyes for the beauty in my arms.

I wondered, not for the first time, how different my existence would be if I had granted her request that night, or if I had let James' venom spread when he'd bitten her in Phoenix. I knew I would never know, but part of me selfishly wished I could go back in time and change it. I knew I couldn't. Only my plan to destroy myself stood between me and an eternity of regret. Although, I wasn't sure I didn't deserve to suffer for that long for the pain I put Bella through.

"Why did I have to walk away from you?" I asked, my voice catching in my throat. I splayed my hands across the foot of her grave, feeling my shoulders and elbows give way as I did. It was as if every ounce of my strength had been drained away and replaced with an endless ache.

"_How_ did I?" I pulled myself back up onto my haunches, and shook my head slowly from side to side, trying to clear the ache that was radiating up from my limbs. As I turned to the left, I saw an angel out of the corner of my eye.

Bella stepped out from behind a group of trees. She was as beautiful as ever, wearing a flowing pink dress. Her hair was half-up in a loosely-tied ponytail. I spun myself around quickly to face her completely.

I watched as she stepped closer with a look of utter shock on her face. It was almost as if she hadn't expected me to be there, like I had let her down so much in life, she doubted me even in death. As she moved toward me, I saw a shadowy figure walking behind her. She turned as if to say something to the figure, and I noticed they were walking hand in hand.

_Who is that near Nana's grave?_

I felt an earth shattering disappointment settle through me as I realised I had once again been mistaken. Bella hadn't returned to me, it was simply Arabella visiting her grandmother's resting place.

"Who is that?" I heard a gruff male voice ask as quietly as he was able.

I closed my eyes as reality sunk in. I needed to cover my tracks quickly, I had to hide Bella's letters and construct my cover story. I turned as quickly as I dared—the pair was getting closer and I couldn't risk them seeing me move at faster than human speed.

I tucked Bella's letter into my bag, brushed my hands off and then settled back into a slightly less anxious stance. It was surprisingly easy to shift into a more casual position; I was practised in the art of deception—a flash of Bella's tear filled eyes as I told her goodbye filled my mind threatened to derail my careful posturing at the thought.

"Wait here," Arabella whispered to Jackson. "I think I might know who it is." I saw a photograph of my face in her thoughts. She began to wonder whether I really was who she thought I was.

I froze. _She knew me? _My eyes flicked back briefly to the epitaph on her headstone, _Forever loving; forever loved._ Was she the one who had selected it? Had Bella, _my _Bella, told her everything?

If that was the case, all pretence was unnecessary; I could be myself around Arabella, but then self-preservation set in. I didn't know how much she knew, so I had to be cautious until I worked that out. I reminded myself to breathe, but remained sitting, as she approached.

"Hi," she said, smiling sadly down at me. "I'm Bella. Did you know my Grandmother?"

I ignored the second part of her question. "Edward," I offered.

Her smile grew wide. "I thought so!"

I clenched my jaw as hope set in that I might be able to offer my sincerest apology to one of Bella's family. That Bella may have explained who I was to her progeny.

"You must be related to _the_ Edward right?" _The resemblance is uncanny, but then again everyone constantly tells me I'm the spitting image of Nana at my age too._

My hope fell. She just thought I was a family member so she mustn't have known the truth. I nodded.

"Is he like your Grandfather or something?"

"He was my Great Uncle," I murmured, the lie coming to me surprisingly easily.

"Oh, I just thought…" _You look so much like the photos I've seen of him. _

I buried my head in my hands and attempted to swallow down the lump that formed in my throat as her thoughts filled with various images, photos from Bella's album, the scene from her own dream, talking to Bella about her love for Edward.

She sat beside me. "You look so much like he did when they were together."

"Everyone tells me that," I whispered. "You… you look so much like her too."

She smiled. "I know." I could tell it was a source of pride for her. It was torturous for me.

We sat side by side in silence for a while before she turned to me. "Why did you come here?" She didn't ask it maliciously, just curiously, but the question still struck me like a knife.

I shrugged. "When I found out…" my voice broke again. I swallowed. "When I found out what happened, I knew someone from my family should come." _It was impossible for me to stay away._

"Will you tell me about him?"

I wasn't sure if I could, but I nodded anyway. "He loved her very much. That was the one thing everyone tells me. He never wanted to leave her, but he didn't think he deserved her either. He thought his presence would only hurt her." I couldn't look at Arabella as I spoke, her likeness to Bella as I talked about myself was just too much to handle.

"Idiot," she muttered angrily, before clamping her hand on her mouth when I turned to her. "Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, he's your family."

I shook my head. "You're right though, he was an idiot. He hurt Bella, even I know that."

"You keep talking about him like he's gone. Is he…?"

I nodded and told her something that was absolutely true. "He was never the same after leaving her, he died shortly after."

I had died the instant I convinced her that I didn't love her, I just hadn't realised it until the words left my mouth.

"That's why he never came back," she asserted, and I realised she knew a lot, even if she didn't know exactly what I was—or that I was actually _the _Edward.

I nodded. "He was incredibly stubborn, but he loved her desperately. She was the only one he could ever love. I know that with all of my heart." I turned toward Arabella and found her staring at the same words I had been. _Forever loving; forever loved._

"I think she knew that," Arabella murmured. "In fact, in the end, I just don't think she could bear to live apart from him any longer."

I bit my lip to stop myself roaring out in agony.

"I'm sorry," she said, turning back toward me. "I shouldn't be here bothering you. I'll leave you in peace."

"No," I whispered quickly. "It's okay, stay…if you want to."

We fell back into a companionable silence. I actually found myself feeling comforted by the girl who was a stranger but felt so familiar at the same time.

"Can you tell me some more about your Nana?" I asked. "Was she happy?" I mentally kicked myself immediately for asking such a careless question.

She smiled. "She was. Mostly." _I think_. Her mind flittered though a series of memories of Bella smiling and laughing, but I could see the constant hint of sadness in her eyes.

I turned my eyes down to the freshly laid grass in front of me, my guilt pitching to a new level because of the images I'd seen. I needed to try to take my mind off it in order to remain in control enough to appear human.

"So, are you Isabella as well?" I asked, trying to lead the conversation away from how the topic of how badly I had let Bella down.

She chuckled softly. "No, I'm _Ara_bella."

"That's an interesting name."

"From what Mom's told me, I got my name for a number of reasons. She wanted to name me after Nana, but she also wanted me to have my own identity. And she's a major conspiracy theorist, see I share my birthday with the eldest of John F. Kennedy's children. She was named Arabella too." She smiled subtly as if to show me that she didn't believe in the same things her mother did.

"Nana Michaels was always closest to Mom because of their shared belief that anything is possible. In fact, Nana used to tell us kids stories about werewolves and vampires. Gramps used to laugh at her, telling her those sorts of stories would scare us all. But the thing was the wolves and vampires weren't always monsters in her stories. They were almost…human. Sometimes I wished that they really did exist, just the way she described them." She smiled and I could tell she was so very fond of her Nana, my Bella, but who could blame her? "She taught me to see the good in things, and never to just accept what is said as the truth, even if it has gotten me into a little bit of trouble sometimes."

I imagined a silver-haired Bella whispering fairytales to her grandkids. The image I had was one of such tenderness and purpose that I felt a small renewal of my justification for leaving her. She would have missed out on that if I'd stayed.

"What sort of trouble?" I asked, trying to keep Arabella talking. Listening to her meant I didn't need to be alone with my own mind.

"Dating Jackson for one." She turned her head and looked in the direction where he sat, respectfully granting her privacy with me.

"That's trouble?" I asked. I suspected I knew the reason, but I wanted to keep her talking.

She sighed. "We weren't supposed to go to La Push, Nana forbade it. It became sort of the rule of our family. She never explained why. All I knew is what I have learned from Gramps. After her father died, she cut off all contact with the rest of his new family. Something about a gang down there that was dangerous. It was a rule in place long before I was born, and I always just followed it. Nana didn't put her foot down often, so when she did, it was serious. But last summer, all of my classmates went down to First Beach. I couldn't…" She squeezed her eyes closed. "I went with them. I met Jackson then, but afterwards, I got in so much trouble. I'd never seen Nana so angry, even Mom couldn't understand it."

"How did she take it when you started dating?" I asked, finding myself involved with the story, thanks in large part to the fact that with the thoughts that accompanied it, I was able to see my Bella in full _living_ colour.

She chuckled, or perhaps it was a sob. "She was livid. See, after our first meeting, Jackson started sneaking from La Push to see me. We met up secretly after school. It was almost a month before anyone found out. When they did find out both Nana and Mom came down on me pretty hard, saying I knew nothing about the boy. But it wasn't true. He's the son of Jacob and Leah Black. Leah was Nana's much younger step-sister. From what I can gather, she was born some time after Nana's father remarried."

My heart broke for poor Bella. It must have been difficult seeing her granddaughter become involved with the child of the ones she felt had betrayed her. I found myself wondering why Arabella believed that Leah was born after Charlie was remarried, but knew it was yet another question I would have to rely on Bella's letters to answer. It was too late for anything else. I was also curious why such a lie was even necessary, and how one as young as Jackson appeared, could possibly be the son of a couple who would be well into their sixties. Unless something affected the way they aged.

Between the danger of the wolves and the lies involved to cover up their existence, it was no wonder she had declared La Push to be off limits for her family. I longed to find out whether something else had happened to turn her against the people who had once been her friends, or whether losing Charlie was the deciding factor, but I didn't want to bring out Bella's letters in front of Arabella.

I felt slightly guilty for keeping the small part of Bella I had away from a person who was obviously close to her, but I couldn't find it in myself to share. I decided that if Bella wanted her family to read her letters, she would have left them somewhere more obvious.

"It got better after that, after a few months both Nana and Mom seemed to accept our relationship. But then Nana died…"

She sobbed and tears sprung to her eyes. Her thoughts were filled with such an overwhelming sadness that I wanted to do something to make it better. I reached out unthinkingly and brushed a tear from her cheek.

She started, staring at me for a moment with fresh tears still welling in her eyes. She stood up suddenly. "I'm sorry, I really have to go," she said. "Are you in town for long?"

I shook my head. "I don't think I will be. I have other matters I need to attend to."

She nodded solemnly. "Of course."

She took two steps before turning back to me. "Sorry about today. You'll have to come over for dinner before you leave."

I'd seen the idea forming in her mind, and was ready to turn her down, but her next words took me by surprise.

"Mom has something which I think you should have."

I tried to find out what it was, but Arabella's mind was already focused back on Jackson. She was only waiting for my answer before running to him.

I knew I was going to regret it, but as I opened my mouth, I agreed without hesitation. She gave me her address—not that I need it—before rushing off to Jackson and apologising for taking so long. I heard her explaining in a rush the lies I had told her, lies that she had no reason not to believe.

I wasn't sure I had made a wise decision agreeing to go to Arabella's house, but it didn't matter. I had agreed, so I would go. But first, I would find out some more from Bella.

~0~

**A/N:- Letters to You was nominated: Favourite Vampires Under 1000, Angst Under 1000, Best Bella Under 1000, Favourite Angst No review limit. Voting is open now & runs through to 23****rd**** February :D Go see what other fics have been nominated & vote for your favourites http:/inspiredfanficawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/ **

**It was also nominated for an "I can't believe it's not sparkly" (Best AU) Vampie. Voting is open now. Go check out all the fics that have been nominated & vote for your favourites http:/twificpics(dot)com/vampawards**

**Thank you to everyone who is reading & reviewing. I love hearing what you think.**


	11. Chapter 10: Til Death

**Chapter 10: Til Death**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations. I just really enjoy torturing them. Thank you to my lovely fic-wifeys Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF. I'm missing you girls a stack with our conflicting schedules but you're both in my thoughts. _

_I have to say a huge thank you to BoydBlog for her support._

~ 0 ~

Once I was certain Arabella was gone, I opened Bella's next letter.

_11__th__ October 2008_

_Dear Edward,_

_Last night was very hard. I've only been alone for a little over twelve hours, but it's been difficult. I've had nothing to distract myself with except useless drivel on TV. I've lost the comfort of having someone else by my side. Even though Charlie and I sometimes had nights where we would barely speak, I always knew he was always nearby. He was always there when and if I needed him. Now I have no one to talk to except myself, which makes me feel a little crazy. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

For the first month after Charlie's wedding, her letters were written at least daily and were filled with the despair and solitude she had feared, but then the frequency began to decline. I could see the reason written between the lines. Each time she mentioned a date with Blake, her letter writing scaled back. I knew I should have been happy that she was healing, but the bitter taste of jealousy began to burn at the back of my throat.

As if Mother Nature read my mind and was willing to alter the earth to fit my mood, it began to grow dark and the clouds closed in further as I continued to read Bella's letters. The air chilled quickly and the last of the other visitors to the cemetery tucked their coats tightly around them before heading back to their cars.

I closed my eyes and dreaded the fact that I would have to leave shortly. My continued presence in nothing more than a dinner suit, despite the ever cooling evening, would begin to look out of place. But I wasn't yet ready to leave Bella's side. I longed for the peace that being close to her had once brought me. I had fought against my natural instincts fifty years ago in order to be beside her; I was still fighting them to be back by her side.

Contrary to many of the myths surrounding my kind, we avoided cemeteries as a general rule. For the nomads—the vampires without civility—the stones marking the passing of human life simply held no interest. For the more civilised of my kind, cemeteries were a reminder of what we could never have; peace, sleep, freedom from the mortal bonds of life and the release of the soul into Heaven.

There were other reasons too why my kind avoided cemeteries; the stench of decay, the reminder of loved ones lost long ago. But all of those reasons had seemed meaningless when I had considered coming to Bella's side. Now that I was here, I couldn't find a single reason to leave. Nothing that was outside the gates I had passed on my way in held any value to me. Even my promise to Arabella meant little as I sat beside my love and read of her life.

~ 0 ~

_27__h__ November 2008_

_Dear Edward,_

_I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. _

_I am thankful for having Blake in my life, to help me through my darkest patches. _

_I am thankful that I still have one parent who is alive and healthy. Who cares about me and wants me to be happy. _

_But mostly, I am thankful that I have experienced true, earth shattering love at least once in my life, even if it was unrequited and the object of that desire has now moved on to other distractions. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

There were so many mistakes and assumptions I'd made before leaving Bella that had hurt her during her life. Before leaving her, I had assumed that she hadn't cared for me as deeply as I did for her. I thought it simply wasn't possible. I knew now how wrong I was. Because of my assumption—and my subsequent lie—she had believed that I hadn't loved her. She had thought her love unrequited and endured pain because of it.

I wondered if she would have despaired less if she'd known earlier how strong my feelings for her were. I felt the sharp sting of pain, knowing of the depth of her love for me and that even fifty years hadn't dimmed the torch she held for me. I knew if she'd known the depth of feeling I held for her, it wouldn't have eased her pain. She would have still suffered heartbreak, maybe even more so. Yet, she may not have accepted that I was leaving as easily as she had. _Which might have worked out for the better_. I closed my eyes as regret over my decision filled me once again.

I knew from Arabella that Bella had known how much I loved her before the end. I knew I just had to take some comfort in that; however little there appeared to be.

~ 0 ~

_26__th__ December 2008_

_Dear Edward,_

_Charlie invited me down to La Push to spend Christmas with him and Sue, but honestly I find it much too difficult to fake being nice to Leah and Jake any more. They're engaged now, did I tell you that? I can't really say I was surprised when they announced it, but I guess I am happy for them. I honestly think they are perfect for one another. _

_So I said no to Charlie and instead of an awkward family thing, I had a lovely dinner for two with Blake. And…well…he stayed the night. We didn't do anything really, but he held me in his arms all night. It felt nice. I think nice is the best I can ask for. _

_I think Blake realises that he is not the love of my life, but he accepts that I am broken, just as he is, and together I think we might be able to be almost happy._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

It pained me to read Bella talking about 'nice' and 'almost happy'. Whenever I thought she was beginning to heal, she would write something like this, it made me realise the pain was still raw for her.

Her next few letters contained more nights in Blake's arms, more desire to break free from her sorrow, but little sign that she was actually healing.

~ 0 ~

_10__th__ June 2009 _

_Dear Edward,_

_Blake asked me to marry him today. I was shocked, but I said yes. I didn't know what else to do when he told me that he loves me more deeply than he has ever loved anyone. He told me that he wants to spend every day of forever with me. I couldn't tell him that he doesn't really know what forever means, after all there was a time when I thought you and I had forever. _

_Do you know the worst part of the whole thing? He proposed exactly one year after our first date, and I didn't even realise the significance. I can recall perfectly the date of the first time I saw you, of when you saved my life—every time, of the day you took me to prom and of the day you left. The date and significance of every single moment with you, every memory, is clear in my mind. But it's not like that with Blake. Instead, it is just a blur of time and light that started when the darkness began to recede. I can't let my relationship with him be like that. I have decided if I'm going to commit to him, I need to do it completely. In order to do that, I needed to pick a wedding date that I would never forget. A date that is synonymous with love and everything I ever wanted. _

_I managed to convince Blake there was no reason to wait if we were both sure. We are getting our marriage licence tomorrow and will get married in a small ceremony at my house in ten days. There is little to arrange because there are very few people I want to invite. _

_I'm so sorry if this news hurts you, but I couldn't break his heart by telling him no. I couldn't risk ending up alone. Besides, I owe it to myself to at least try to be happy with him. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I looked at the tear stained blotches on the page and lamented. Bella's engagement should have been a happy occasion. Instead she was crying tears over it, _over me._

I wondered whether she thought I would be hurt because she was getting married—which I had thought I wanted her to do eventually—or the fact that she had made her wedding anniversary coincide with my birthday. _A date synonymous with love and everything I ever wanted. _In truth what hurt the most was that her wedding couldn't have been celebrated with the grandeur she deserved.

I tried to picture what our wedding would have been like. I'd seen snippets in Alice's mind before I'd decided to leave Bella. They occasionally struck during the moments when I had assumed I could protect her from my world, and always when I selfishly wished I could have her join me in eternal life. I'd always known she was the only one I wanted to marry, if only I'd believed I deserved her. If only I had been able to find some way to make it work.

I squeezed my eyes shut and filled in the blanks with the few things I thought Bella would have wanted and everything that I knew she deserved. In my mind the entire downstairs area of our Fork's house was covered in flowers, all artfully arranged by Alice. I could picture it clearly. I smiled to myself as I imagined Bella walking down the staircase and pace steadily down the aisle, heading toward my waiting arms; surrounded by every person we knew in Forks, so each one of them could bear witness to the miracle of our love. Bella's face would split into a huge smile as she drew closer to me, and I would be unable to contain the excitement I felt that she was agreeing to be with me, and me only, forever; or at least whatever version of forever we could have had.

I would have declared my love for her in front of everyone, never taking my eyes off hers because I wouldn't want to break the magic of the moment. When we were finally declared man and wife, I would take her into my arms and kiss her with all the passion I felt.

My daydream ended abruptly with that thought. I could never have kissed Bella with reckless abandon. Doing so would have had consequences that could have been deadly for her.

I curled up into myself, clutching her letter into my chest to comfort me. Why did I have to be such a destructive force? Why couldn't fate have thrust Bella and I together as humans? We could've loved, been happy and lived normally together. That was what I longed for above everything else, the one thing I wished I was able to offer Bella; a normal life. _A family_.

Opening Bella's next letter—dated the day of my birthday—was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I thought that it would contain information about her wedding. I had no idea whether her day was happy or sad, just that it had been rushed. She had pushed for a fast marriage rather than waiting to think about what she wanted, although perhaps that was because she knew what she wanted, but I was already gone.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2009_

_Dear Edward,_

_I am writing this letter early, in fact, I have only just woke a few minutes ago, but I wanted to say that the first thing I thought of today was you. I hope wherever you are, you are happy. That's the one thing I would wish for on your birthday; your happiness._

_Maybe one day while chasing your distractions, you will pass by Forks. If you do, I wonder if you will recognise me. I'm not the same girl I was when I was with you. I am older, wiser and yet profoundly more in love with you than ever. Just when I think I am finally able to emerge from the shadow of our love to find something new, the shadow grows. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle, and then I wonder if I _want _to win. I don't want to not love you, because loving you is what has shaped me into who I am today. I am stronger than I used to be. _

_I just hope I'm making the right choice today. With the options available to me, I think I am. I just wish there was a different option available. _

_You could be anywhere on the earth, and yet I know you will always be in my heart. I'm giving the remnants to someone else for safekeeping today, but please believe me when I say that it always belongs to you. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

On her wedding day, the day that should have been the happiest in her whole life, she was concerned about me. She wanted to make sure I understood how much she loved me, as if a series of regular letters written over the course of a number of years didn't show me that.

~ 0 ~

_21__st__ June 2009_

_Dear Edward,_

_Blake is still asleep, so I've snuck away to write this to you. _

_Yesterday was everything I expected it to be. It wasn't perfect, but I have long come to realise that I won't have perfection. Not that I don't deserve it, but because I can't have perfect without you. _

_The ceremony was lovely. Small and intimate just how I pictured it, except that every time I imagined it I pictured you waiting at the end of the aisle for me. Does that make me a terrible person? _

_I tried to ensure I made a promise to him that I was sure I would be able to keep. _

Because of you, Blake, I laugh, I smile, I dare to dream again. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you, caring for you, nurturing you, being there for you in whatever life has in store for us, and I vow to be true and faithful for as long as we both shall live.

_I intend to uphold that promise. Short of you walking back into my life—which I know isn't going to happen—I don't want any other. Blake holds my heart, or at least what's left of it. _

_We're leaving later this evening on our honeymoon, but we aren't going very far. Even now, even though I've committed to him, I can't quite bring myself to leave Forks for any length of time. When we come back, he will be moving into my house and I will never need to be alone again. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I closed my eyes as my mind turned to my secret sanctuary; Isle Esme. I had visited the tropical paradise so often over the years, and yet very few visits had passed without me fantasising about what would have been like to take Bella with me. I had walked around the island so many times dreaming about showing its wonders to Bella. I knew without doubt that if I hadn't been such a fool and had made her my wife, it would have been the place I'd taken her for our honeymoon.

It wasn't hard to stretch my mind to picture her by my side on the island. I knew every inch of Isle Esme intimately, and Bella was so ingrained in my every thought it was almost as if she had been there with me. It was so easy to imagine her snorkelling beside me, or showing her the jungle that circled around the island. I was impossibly effortless to picture her sleeping on the large bed in the master bedroom. The white canopy above shadowing her features softly, the perfect romantic setting. I could almost sense her scent travelling to me, carried by the humid night air. I could imagine her curling into me while she slept soundlessly, my arms wrapping around her to protect her from harm all night; my lips planting gentle kisses all over her mouth, down her throat and across her soft body.

I growled softly as I dreamed of a honeymoon that could never be, a honeymoon that had belonged to someone else. _Blake_. I owed him my gratitude but all I had to offer him was my hate as I thought about him lying with Bella. The images in my mind began to twist. Instead of me lying awake holding Bella, I saw Blake sleeping along side of her; holding her tightly. I knew the picture was natural and right, but it was so painful to imagine. My eyes snapped open and all the images dropped away, replaced with the stark pain of reality. Bella wasn't in my arms, or even in Blake's anymore, she was held in the tender embrace of the soft wooden casket in which she was buried.

~0~

**A/N:- I am still here, and I am still writing when I can. Thank you for your continued support. I can't make any promises on when I'll update next, but I sincerely hope the Easter long weekend will be kind to me & I'll get lots written. I wanna say so much more, but my AN will likely end up more angsty than the chap, so I'll leave it with thank you & see you next update.**


	12. Chapter 11: Life

**Chapter 11: Life**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

_1__st__ September 2009_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry for not writing sooner. I realise it's been over two months since I last wrote to you, but it's very hard to find time to myself now that I'm married. Sometimes it feels like whenever Blake and I aren't working together, we're at home together. It's never just me or I anymore; it's always us or we. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I really like being married. I mean, it beats sitting around this house on my own, right? It's just that every now and then I would like a little bit of time to myself, but at the same time, I know if I get it, I'll only think about you and me, and I'll end up wallowing in the darkness that always overtakes me when I'm alone. _

_Sometimes it's hard to believe that I am actually married. It's even harder to believe that I've already been married for two months. Life just seems to fly by sometimes. The days become weeks, then it's months before I even realise what's happening. It's been that way ever since I moved to Forks, days speeding past in a blur, and yet certain moments stand out with crystal clarity. I haven't had any of those lately._

_To be honest, I don't have much to say, very little has happened or changed in my life recently, but I felt like I needed to write to you. It's been too long since my last letter. Far too long. I don't know why writing makes me feel better but it does. Sometimes it feels like a connection to my past, and to you, still exists while I have my pen to paper. I can image that I'm writing down my thoughts so that I can share them when I see you again. I know that you'll probably never read a single word that I've written, but I feel the connection anyway. _

_I've started a business management course by correspondence, hopefully that will give me something to distract me from the nothingness that sometimes fills my days. Even with Blake by my side almost constantly, I feel a little lonely occasionally. I guess it's the same old thing I've always experienced—I just don't really feel that I belong in this world. But then, I guess, I don't belong in your world either. I am, as always, destined to be one step out of beat with everyone else. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

It was dark but I could still read Bella's letter clearly. I'd gone from whispering fresh laments about her passing to reaching anxiously for her next letter. For the precious minutes that I read her words, she was alive again. I could picture her hunched over a desk, her pen scribbling across the once empty page as she poured her heart out, providing me with seemingly insignificant details of her life. If only she realised that no detail was too insignificant. She could have written me a new letter every hour of each day containing nothing new and I would have been happy. If only I had known years earlier things might have been a little easier for me; if I'd been able to acknowledge it. Looking back, I would like to think that just having the knowledge that she had thought about me, that she _wanted_ to write to me, would have made me delirious with joy.

Even as night enveloped me completely, I couldn't move away from my position at Bella's graveside. I wanted to make good on my promise to visit Arabella and her mother, but I found that I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried to force myself to fold up Bella's letters and move, I was physically unable to. The strength of will I needed to hide away the tiny pieces of Bella I had in front of me was too much. The more I read, the more I wanted to know. Nothing would ever satisfy the deep yearning I had for more information about Bella's life; my need ran deeper than my craving for human blood when I was a newborn. I knew that her letters were fast becoming a temporary hit that I needed in order to survive another week, another day, another minute. If she had been my own personal brand of heroine, her letters were my methadone. They would temporarily stave off my insanity, but would never completely satisfy my need.

I decided that if I wasn't able to leave, I would make the most of my time by Bella's graveside. When I held her next letter in my hand, I read it out loud to her. It was comforting to hear her words spoken aloud. My imagination quickly began to play tricks on me, twisting my voice and morphing it into hers.

"13th September 2009

"Dear Edward,

"This time of year is always so hard for me. Up until now, I've been able to hide away from everyone in my room from the day of my birthday until after the anniversary of you leaving. I don't think anyone really understands precisely why birthdays are so hard for me; Blake especially. How am I supposed to explain to him that each year since you've left I've mourned? My heart and my soul died the day you left, and yet my body continued to persevere. How can I ever justify the pain of being expected to just get over the loss of not only your love, but the love of a family who were everything I ever wanted? How can I possibly tell him that I don't think it matters how many years pass, the heartache I experience over these few days will always be as fresh as the day you left? How can I tell the man that I love now all of those things?

"I know the answer to those questions; I can't. I can't, because it will break his heart. He thinks that he has helped to repair me, which he has; but not to the degree that he, or anyone else, believes. I can't admit to him that I'm not healed, nor do I think I ever will be. There will always be a part of me that is in love with you and a bigger part that longs for the day you finish chasing your distractions and return to Forks; to me. I know they are silly cravings, but that doesn't make them any less real.

"This birthday has been especially hard because Blake has been determined to break me out of my _funk_, as he calls it. I just want to lock myself away in my old room and be alone, but he had other plans. I honestly think he thought a nice dinner, expensive jewellery and a night spent together would help me, but it hasn't. I tried to force myself to get lost in the experience. I tried to allow the light he usually helps inject into my life take over, but I just couldn't. Today I truly felt like I was an outsider interloping on a life that should have been happy. Blake is caring and considerate, but today it just didn't matter. He could have offered me the world but it wouldn't have been enough, because it wasn't you. All I wanted for my birthday—all I've wanted for every birthday since you left—is the one thing I'll never have again; no matter how much I want it. I want you.

"I love you.

"Forever yours,

"Bella."

~ 0 ~

My voice was uneven as I read through her letter. Her heartache echoed through me yet saying the words out loud was comforting . The night atmosphere seemed to take a deep breath whenever my voice started, and began to move again whenever I fell silent. I was crazy enough to convince myself that Bella was out there, listening from heaven as I read her words back to her. That somehow the stillness was her letting me know that she was watching over me. I began to listen to the wind as it rustled passed, wondering if maybe, just maybe, I would be able to hear her voice on the breeze. In the silence of the empty graveyard, anything seemed possible. I whispered another quiet apology, hoping that if she was looking down on me, she would understand.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ December 2009_

_Dear Edward,_

_Charlie is coming down to our place for Christmas. I'm actually getting pretty excited about it, my first Christmas hosting a family dinner in my own house. Blake is thrilled, he found the biggest tree that would actually fit in the house and we've decorated it extensively, although I think he was a little bit confused when I ordered red and silver decorations. He wanted the more traditional green, red and gold. I know it was probably wrong but I had to bring a little bit of you into my celebration. _

_For the first time in a while, I'm genuinely looking forward to something. That's got to be a good thing, right? I'd better get back to it. I have a lot to organise before my dinner party debut._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I was happy that Bella felt she had something in her life to look forward to. It showed genuine healing. It showed that she was finally moving away from the past and into the future.

I was happy about it, but it hurt like hell to read.

~ 0 ~

_25__th__ December 2009_

_Dear Edward,_

_The dinner party was a complete success! Charlie ended up coming alone, Sue stayed in La Push to cook for her kids, but it was a lovely meal with just the three of us. _

_Although, I have to admit it was a hard day. I felt absolutely exhausted the whole time. I have for a little while now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I think I must be coming down with a bug or something. Or maybe it's just that it's so cold and dark all the time. Regardless, I forged ahead and created a wonderful dinner. _

_Merry Christmas wherever you are. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

It was a short letter, almost insignificant, and yet the change in it—in Bella—was almost astonishing. Even without reading the words written on the page, I could tell that there was something different between her other letters and this one. Previously her script had been rushed and sloppy, her letters written on tear-sodden pages, but the Christmas letter was the first that looked as though not a single tear had been shed while she was writing it. The handwriting looked like it belonged lovingly inscribed on Christmas cards and birthday cards. I wondered if I was beginning to see _the_ change. I wondered what had happened between her birthday and Christmas to change things.

Suddenly, I remembered.

Suddenly, I knew. Twenty-ten was the year it all changed for her. It was the year that I realised no matter what happened, I could never go back. I learned the hard way that I could never be with her again. Of course, I hadn't known how unhappy she'd still been only months prior, but even still, everything changed that year and I no longer held any claim on her. I knew now that it wasn't enough to keep her happy forever, but at the time, I had considered our fate sealed by the events of that year.

I thought about my visit to her just before my birthday. I was physically unable to stay away from her any longer. I hadn't even made a conscious decision to see her again; I just ran one night until I found myself on the outskirts of Forks. Once I was there, I knew there was no turning back. At the time, I'd had no idea that she was already married. In fact, I had no clue at all about anything happening in her life. I just knew I needed to see her; I had to know that she was safe. I also selfishly wanted a few precious moments of the silence and peace that I only ever experienced when I was by her side.

Disappointment flooded through me when I arrived in her bedroom because it was no longer the same; it was certainly no longer _her _bedroom. The single bed that had been present for every one of my previous visits was gone, replaced with tiny furniture with a specific purpose. I gazed around the room, unwilling to believe the truth that was evident before my eyes. I began to grow crazed, wondering if something had happened. If it wasn't for the lingering scent of my beloved, hidden slightly by the overpowering paint fumes, I would have sworn she had moved out. I couldn't help but wonder, had she moved _on_?

I crept from the empty room, determined not disturb anything. I pushed open the door and stepped into the hallway. I crept forward anxiously, feeling more like a peeping tom than I ever had. I carefully opened the door to the master bedroom, not knowing whether I hoped to see Bella in there or not. The furniture in what had been her bedroom was making my mind race.

Almost as soon as the door was open I saw her. To this day, I couldn't say if someone else was in the bed with her, because I only had eyes for her. She was sleeping soundly on one side of an oversized queen bed. Her skin was flushed and the scent of her blood heady and overpowering. I realised quickly it was because of the extra volume of the sweet liquid being pumped around her tiny body. She was the absolute picture of perfection. I wanted to cry out in pain and simultaneously smile at the same time. She was radiant; _glowing_.

_Beautiful._

The purpose of the other room, of the tiny furniture, flooded into my mind. My perfect, sweet, innocent Bella was blooming and changing; _creating_.

She rolled slowly in her sleep and the moment seemed to drag for all eternity. The blanket slid off her body as she turned, revealing her beautifully swollen stomach. I wanted to fall down to my knees and beg her to take me back and forgive me. I wanted to witness firsthand the wonders of the miracle she was creating. I wanted to stake a claim even though I knew I had none. I reached out slowly, my fingers aching as I closed the distance between us inch by inch. I placed my hand tenderly across her midsection and felt a second, steady heartbeat beating rapidly against my fingers. I raised my hand before it could wake Bella. The touch had been only fleeting, yet it was enough. I ghosted my palm over her stomach knowing as I felt the warmth of her skin still clinging desperately to my cold flesh that I couldn't risk her life or the life that was growing within. I had more reasons than ever to leave and never come back. Instead, I lingered for a moment longer.

I memorised her soft face, I trailed my eyes momentarily across her new body and I inhaled deeply to absorb her sweet smell. I knew I was seeing her for the last time. I couldn't risk returning again; there was too much at stake.

I turned and fled from her house, leaving her to be happy. My hand seemed to burn where I'd touched her skin, as if to make the pain of my regret tangible. I wasn't sure whether my greater regret was leaving her the first time, or knowing that she was experiencing the one thing I could never give her. The words of Shakespeare rang in my ears.

_Younger than she are happy mothers made._

~ 0 ~

I pushed my memories aside; they were all from a time still to come in Bella's timeline. I knew her illness was the first symptom, even if she didn't. I continued on to her next letter, the first words jumping out at me, taunting my desire to forestall my agony for just a moment longer.

~ 0 ~

_8__h__ January 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_You'll never guess my news…I'm pregnant!_

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- Umm yeah, I've got no real excuses for the delay in getting this chap up, other than a horrid case of **_**you know what**_. **But when the words finally did come, they came in a rush, so the next chapter is pretty much written and the one after that is started too. So in other words, please forgive my lengthy delay, I hope not to do it to you again :) **


	13. Chapter 12: Baby

**Chapter 12: Baby**

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

_8__h__ January 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_You'll never guess my news…I'm pregnant!_

_I can barely believe it myself. I was never really the type who pined for children, but now…well it's hard to describe. Ever since I saw the two little lines on the pregnancy test, I knew it was what I wanted. Actually, even before that, when I first noticed I was late and began to suspect. I knew that no matter what else came my way, I had to be strong just in case. To see it confirmed though, it almost brought me to tears. _

_I've been worrying for the past few hours how I should tell Blake. Should I just come out and say it? Should I get something to say it for me, like booties or something? I don't know. I know that I want it to be special for him. I want to celebrate this gift. _

_I'm smiling, truly smiling, for the first time since you left. I didn't know it would be possible, and I certainly never thought that having a baby would be the cause of it. Somehow it's like my body just knows it's not just me anymore; that I have someone else who is relying on me to be strong and be happy. _

_I can't wait to tell Charlie about it, although I'll wait. I think I'm about six orseven weeks now and from the little I've read, I know that I should really wait until twelve weeks before I tell everyone. I couldn't bear to see the pity in their eyes if anything went wrong. _

_I still can't believe it. If you ever read these letters and find out about this wonderful happenstance, I hope you will be happy for me._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

Bella's words at the end of her letter proved to me just how much I had destroyed her when I left. If I hadn't left her doubting my love, she would have known that I would be ecstatic for her. The only thing that would have made the situation happier was if _I_ could have been the father.

My mind ran off on a tangent, picturing the child that Bella and I would have created if we'd had the opportunity to meet under more traditional circumstances—if I had been human. I couldn't help but imagine a little girl with soft curls. I saw my human eyes—that I'd seen in Carlisle's memory a thousand times—framed by soft brown locks. Each time I tried to capture an image, it dissolved and yet another possible alternative appeared. Possibility after possibility ran through my head until the one picture I'd shied away from for so long sprung to mind—Bella, pale white with piercing red eyes. It was the life that I would have condemned her to had I stayed. It was the reason I left. However desperately I would have loved to have her by my side for eternity, her joy at her pregnancy was so obvious, each word in her letter proved that I had been right.

At least, my _motives_ had been justified. In actuality, the ripples that came from my decision to leave were still evident. The fact that Arabella had to initially hide her relationship with Jackson was my fault. I'd driven Bella into the arms of Jacob and he had hurt her as badly as I had.

I clenched my teeth together. I wondered briefly if I should pay a little visit to La Push, but I knew I couldn't because that action would lead to a broken treaty and would put my whole family in danger. I couldn't risk their lives for my own vendetta; I wouldn't.

My head began to swim with possibilities and mistakes. I began to dwell on my missed opportunities and my greatest desires. I couldn't think straight. I knew there was only one thing that would clear my head.

~ 0 ~

_15__th__ January 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_Blake was ecstatic when I told him the news. The moment I told him he picked me up and carried me to the couch and insisted that I sit and rest. He grew all protective of me and began to plan changes to the house for the nursery and everything. I hate myself for what I did next; I started to cry. He didn't understand what had made me so sad, and I had no idea how to explain it to him. _

_It isn't difficult to explain it to you though. Besides Charlie, there was only one person who was ever so protective of me_—_you._

_The way he acted reminded me so forcibly of you that I couldn't help the sob that escaped, or the tears that fell down my cheeks. I couldn't tell him how I was so happy to be pregnant with his child but that part of me wished that the baby was yours. I know that would have been impossible for us, but it's easy to dream the impossible when you're separated from the reality of the situation by time and distance. _

_I wish it were you here to help me through this pregnancy._

_I wish this baby inside me was yours. _

_I wish I didn't wish those things. _

_I wish I could give myself completely to Blake just like he deserves._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I found myself wishing the same things as Bella. Once more, I touched the earth that encased her and found myself whispering to her, telling her of my own desires. The night wind brushed passed my fingers and caressed my hair. If I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine Bella's sweet breath washing over me, her scent surrounding me.

~ 0 ~

_23__rd__ January 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_I fainted at work today. Since then, my life has become significantly more difficult. I tried explaining to Blake that it's a common symptom of pregnancy, but he wouldn't listen. Instead, he insisted on driving me home and booked an appointment for me with Dr Gerandy later this afternoon. _

_Blake's frustrating sometimes, but I know it's just because he cares and because he loves me. _

_It looks like I'll have more time on my hands because I think he is taking me off the staff roster for the shop._

_We told Charlie and Sue our news, it was a little earlier than we planned but we figured the doctor appointments would get back to them eventually and Charlie would only worry if he didn't know the truth. He was unbelievably happy to hear that he was going to be a grandfather. I didn't expect him to take the news that well, but I'm happy that he did. It's one less thing for me to stress over. The biggest disappointment I have is that I won't be able to share this experience with the one person who would understand it the most. It's moments like these that I really miss my mom. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I chuckled bleakly to myself as I pictured Bella as she wrote the beginning of her last letter. Her indignation was clear in the heavy pen strokes. I was relieved that at least Blake seemed to be looking after her the way she deserved. She wouldn't be likely to admit that anything was wrong, so it was better that he was willing to err on the side of caution even if it meant risking Bella's ire.

I wondered if she had admitted to Blake just how much she missed her mother. I seriously doubted it. It wouldn't have surprised me if she had only put it in the letter to me because she honestly thought I would never read them. She was always so stubborn about things like that.

I found myself recalling small details about Bella that I hadn't thought about in a long time, mostly because the memories were too painful to recall.

I found myself smiling as I recalled Bella's kitten-like anger.

~ 0 ~

_3__rd__ February 2010_

_How could you Edward?_

_How could you leave those things under my floorboards? Didn't you know that I might find them? Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? Some kind of torture? _

_Just when I finally thought I was beginning to have some sort of life separate to my memories of you it's all come crashing down. I know I should be relieved that I've got a tangible reminder of you, but it hurt so much to see the photos and all my gifts buried underneath the floor of my old room. Discarded and unwanted…just like me. _

_How could you do this to me? _

_You can't know how desperately I've wanted something to prove to myself that it wasn't all just a dream. Now that I have photos of you, especially the photo of you from before my birthday party, I think maybe it would have been better if I never found them. _

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I couldn't believe that once again I'd let Bella down. I'd promised her that it would be as if I never existed, and yet my stupidity—and because of my true desire to remain by her side—I had hurt Bella again by leaving everything just beneath her feet. I hadn't thought of what would happen if she found them.

"I thought I might find you here."

My head snapped up at the voice. I recognised it immediately as Arabella's. I hadn't even realised that dawn was slowly creeping over the horizon. I quickly organised Bella's letters and pushed them back into my bag, before checking that the sun was covered by sufficient cloud to ensure I wasn't revealing more about my nature than I would have intended.

"At least, I hoped I would," she continued as she drew closer to me.

I nodded a welcome, upset with myself for being so immersed in Bella's words that I'd completely missed her approaching thoughts.

"You didn't come over last night." Her tone wasn't completely accusatory, more resigned.

"No, I didn't," I responded as she moved to sit beside me. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have agreed to come over."

"You know, even as you were agreeing to it, I wondered whether you would actually come." _There was something about the way he looked at Nana's grave. There's something else going on. _

I found myself bristling at her thoughts. I knew what the intelligent response to her thoughts was to run. I knew her suspicions meant I should leave Forks behind me and try to find somewhere else to read the rest of Bella's letters. However, knowledge and action rarely meet.

I smiled as warmly as I could. "I'm just fascinated with the whole 'love lost' concept. I wonder if things had been different, my Great-Uncle and your Nana would have been happy in the long run."

"I've thought the same thing myself," she admitted.

"Really?"

"I've heard so many stories from Nana Michaels. She was such a great storyteller. I can't even recall the number of times she told me about Edward and about how much it hurt her to lose him. It's funny…" she trailed off. Her thoughts turned from her words to Bella's gravestone. _Forever loving; forever loved._

"What's funny?" I prompted, trying to turn her thoughts back to her statement.

"Just that when I was little I used to get things mixed up. I used to confuse Nana's stories about the wolves and vampires with the stories about her and Edward. For a while, I was convinced there was something more to him. Isn't that silly?"

I forced myself to laugh, all the while listening intently to her thoughts, trying to find out whether she still thought that way.

"Anyway, I was hoping I would catch you here before you left town. I wanted to give you something." She held out an aged crystal CD case containing an unmarked CD.

I couldn't believe my eyes and my hands reached out reflexively to grab the gift I'd once given Bella.

"I know its old technology now, but Mom and I thought you might like the original."

Even though it was achingly familiar and I knew what it was, I had to ask for the sake of pretence.

"What is it?"

"It's a CD of original compositions by Edward. He gave it to Nana on her eighteenth birthday."

I closed my eyes briefly as flashes of that fateful birthday came flooding to me. I heard Jasper's thoughts as he smelled Bella's fresh, flowing blood. I saw Bella hitting the glass table as I pushed her away from Jasper. It was the story of us; each time I tried to protect her I only ended up hurting her more.

"Your Great-Uncle was a fabulous composer. Nana used to play this for Mom all the time when she was a little girl. Mom played it for me. I hope you don't mind, but we kept a copy of all the songs." She looked at me sheepishly.

I shook my head as I looked down at the CD. What Arabella, and her whole family, failed to understand is that my composition wasn't anywhere near as extraordinary as the girl who inspired it.

"Thank you for giving this to me. You don't know what it means to me."

She smiled coyly. "I think I do."

I tried not to frown as I looked at her. There was nothing in her thoughts to indicate anything more than a desire to pass on family heritage. Was having a piece of Bella important to her? My thoughts flickered momentarily to Bella's letters. Could I part with any of them? Should I? I wasn't willing to lose any connection I had to Bella, no matter what it may have meant for her granddaughter.

"Do you mind if I sit with you for a little while?" she asked.

I shook my head. Maybe a little time close to Arabella would help me determine whether she could possibly know more than she was letting on.

~ 0 ~

As willing as I had been to sit with Arabella, her presence soon began to frustrate me. Her thoughts contained little clue about whether she suspected there was anything supernatural about me; instead they were filled with grief and sorrow each time she glanced at Bella's grave.

It felt awkward sitting in silence when all I wanted to do was read the next of Bella's letters. I tried to continue Arabella's attempts at conversation a few times, but my mind kept returning to the only reason I was in Forks. The one thing that was important. _Bella_.

After almost an hour, I knew I couldn't sit at Bella's graveside with Arabella any longer. There was a risk the sun could break out from behind the cloud cover. There was a chance I would inadvertently say something that would raise Arabella's suspicions. Most importantly, there were letters from Bella I wanted to read.

I made my excuses and rose to my feet, leaving Arabella at the one place I wanted to be. I headed toward the parking lot until I was out of Arabella's sight, and then I darted into the surrounding forest, doubling back on myself so that I was able to see Bella's plot. I decided I would wait in the cover provided by the trees until Arabella left.

I pulled out Bella's next letter, trying to forget the anger of her last one. I reminded myself that she had kept writing for the next forty-odd years. I hoped they weren't all full of anger and pain.

~ 0 ~

_10__th__ March 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry for my last letter. I was just so hurt when I saw my gifts beneath the floorboards. I found them when I was preparing my old bedroom to be the nursery. Luckily Blake wasn't with me, so he was spared the heartache of seeing me cry over my loss of you. He's a good man, he doesn't deserve to see that. _

_I still don't know what to think about everything you left behind. I just wish I knew why you did it. I don't think it was to cause me more pain, at least I hope it wasn't. Haven't I endured enough?_

_I just wanted to let you know how I felt. _

_Once I had calmed down enough to actually look at the photos, I was shocked by just how beautiful you are. I mean, I knew you always were—in fact, I'll never be able to forget—but I guess my memory of you had dimmed slightly over the years. It doesn't help that each day I know I'm getting older. I've changed so much since you knew me. But you haven't, have you? You still look exactly the same as in my photo. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I breathed a tiny sigh of relief that at least Bella knew enough about me to know that I would never intentionally cause her harm. I would give up every day of forever if I could to ensure she was never hurt by my hand.

I'd worried the first time I saw her that my will was going to crumble and I would kill her for her blood. I should have been worried about the greater damage I could cause.

~ 0 ~

_19__th__ June 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_I've been so busy over these last few months. After the fainting spells stopped, Blake realised that I was fine. Some people have told me it's bad luck to be prepared too early, but I'm trying not to be superstitious. I just want everything to be ready whenever my child arrives. _

_I wonder if you saw me now whether you would recognise me. I'm getting so huge! Some days I just feel like a beached whale. I can feel the baby moving now. Occasionally, Blake will be able to feel a particularly hard kick, but I am treated to a regular ballet, or maybe a football match. Blake and I have agreed that we don't want to find out the sex of the baby. We want it to be a surprise. Although, sometimes I think it would be nice to have Alice around to let me know in one of my weaker moments. _

_You should see the nursery! I put the finishing touches on it yesterday, just in time for Blake to take me away for our anniversary tomorrow. I'm not sure exactly where he's taking me; all he's said is that he's planned a big surprise. _

_I had the most vivid dream about you again last night. I still get them occasionally, but not usually with the intensity that this one had. In my dream you reached out for me, you placed your hand on my stomach and smiled and told me how happy you were that I was carrying our child. When I woke, I could have sworn my stomach felt cooler than the rest of my body. I guess that teaches me! I know it was because I looked at your photo and listened to the music you left me before heading to bed. _

_I just might have to do it more often. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

_~0~_


	14. Chapter 13: Madonna

**Chapter 13: Madonna **

_A/N: I own nothing - I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks as always to my fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_Thank you to BoydBlog who is always gifting me her time and mad skillz to whip my words into better shape._

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_We're about to leave for my surprise getaway, but I couldn't let the day go without wishing you a happy birthday._

_Happy birthday!_

_I hope one day you will find what you are searching for. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

_It _is _the bloodsucker. _

I was pulled away from the misery and grief of reading Bella's birthday wishes by the 'voice' of an unwelcome intruder. I didn't instantly recognise the origin of the thoughts, but I guessed it could only be one person.

I twisted my head minutely, just enough to catch a glimpse of the newcomer. He looked about twenty years older than the last time I'd seen him, but his features were familiar enough for me to know without doubt I was looking at Jacob Black.

I wondered what he was doing in the forest._ How had he known I was here?_

"Edward," he said quietly as he nodded a welcome. He was still a number of yards away and was obviously relying on my supernatural hearing. "Why am I not surprised to see you here?" _I knew there was something funny about the person Jackson told me about, the one who was talking to Arabella. _

I didn't say anything in response—to his thoughts or his words—instead I blew out a deep, shaky breath and stared over toward Bella's grave, wishing for tears that would never come. Amongst so many other things, I owedher tears.

_Poor guy. I can see he's devastated. If only I knew how to make him see that he made the right choice leaving her. _

"Did I?" I asked bitterly, my mouth twisting in distaste.

He was confused for a few seconds before remembering what Bella told him about me so many years earlier.

_That's right, he's the mindreading leech. _

I let the insult slide because I didn't have the energy or inclination to argue with him. I quickly tucked the few letters I had at my feet back into my pocket—not caring about moving at human pace because Jacob knew what I was. He seemed to take my hasty clean up as an invitation to join me because he sat against a tree a few feet from me without waiting to be asked.

"You did make the right choice," he stated. _How can I make him see that life and eventual death is better than what his kind can offer? _"She lived a happy life."

"What would you know about Bella's life?" I scoffed.

"There was a time when Bella and I were best friends."

"Before she banned her family from even visiting La Push you mean?"

A shockwave ran through him as he realised I knew much more than he thought I would. I was surprised in turn to see his knowledge of my numerous returns to Forks. He assumed that I had gathered that information from one of my many visits.

"How do you know I came back?" I asked.

He snorted. "It's not hard with your smell you know. At least it never used to be." _Now I have to rely on my original sense of smell, it's a little harder. He still stinks, but it's less obvious now._

"How do you know it was me?" I insisted. I wondered if he told Bella of my visits.

"I couldn't know for sure at first. But I noticed the same scent stinking up the area around Bella's house often enough to know someone was visiting her, and they obviously didn't intend to hurt her because there was ample opportunity if they had. It was fairly easy to piece the pieces together after that." He shrugged. "I knew the only reason you would have been back was if you still felt something for her."

"I never stopped loving her," I admitted.

_Neither did I._ "But that's why you leaving was the right decision for Bella. Just look at Arabella and Jackson, they have a chance at a normal life, without the influence of all that supernatural stuff. You gave Bella that opportunity." _Just like I did._

I frowned at his conviction that _I'd_ made the right choice. Once I would have welcomed the support for my cause—God knows my family never supported my choice—but I didn't believe it any more. Not after reading Bella's letters. Not now that she was gone and I was facing eternity without her. I wanted to tell him that I hadn't given her any opportunity, only pain, and that his leaving was seen by Bella as just another betrayal. But then I raised my eyes to see Arabella, now lovingly wrapped in Jackson's embrace by Bella's grave and I realised that their love wouldn't exist if I'd stayed.

Had that been our fate all along? Had Bella and I been destined to break each other so that a future generation could find happiness?

My mind began to spin in dizzying spirals and Jacob's presence wasn't helping.

"Why did you come here?" I asked, growing frustrated at his intrusion on my goodbye.

"Jackson mentioned something about a boy at Bella's graveside. The way he described you, and Bells' declaration that your skin was ice cold, made me wonder whether you had returned. I figured if you had, you'd still be here."

"I suppose you've come to try to frighten me off?"

He laughed. "Those days are long behind me." He eyed me speculatively. "Although, I probably could still phase if I absolutely had to," he added quickly.

I just shrugged in response.

"I wanted to give you a friendly piece of advice." _How do I tell him that what he is, and his being here, could drive Arabella and Jackson apart? _

"How?"

He furrowed his brow for a moment before remembering my talent.

_Man, that's annoying. How does his family stand having him inside their heads all the time? That's one part of being a wolf that I'll never miss._ "Something in our blood reacts with your presence. Having a vampire close by…well it makes us what _we _are."

"And unless I leave…" I trailed off.

_It could happen to Jackson. It's already starting. I've noticed the heat and the anger. It may even be too late to stop it. _

"Surely it can't happen so quickly."

He frowned. "We've rarely been _alone_ since the last time your family lived here."

My head shot up and I was instantly focused on him. "Who else has been here?"

_The tiny female and the blond from his family, but I know they didn't want him to know._ "No-one," he said.

"Alice and Jasper," I mumbled under my breath.

Jacob regarded me for a moment before nodding. "They stopped by occasionally to check on Bella too."

"You spoke to them?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Once or twice."

I frowned and looked at my hands. There was so much I hadn't paid attention to over the years, so much I'd missed even though I'd tried to participate in my family's lives.

"I don't think they spoke to Bella very often," Jacob said finally, as if that was somehow supposed to make me feel better.

I shrugged, not feeling overly relieved that although my siblings had felt obliged to check on the one whose heart I'd broken, they hadn't necessarily comforted her.

"You really loved her, right?" he asked after a moment's silence.

I nodded. I couldn't even put the depth of my love into words that he would understand.

He smiled sadly, and nodded knowingly at my expression. "That's why you need to leave for the sake of her granddaughter."

I was confused about his sudden shift back to our previous topic, but his thoughts were guarded and he wasn't willingly giving away any information about his next words.

"I think that Jackson loves Arabella at least as much as I loved Bella, maybe more."

I remembered Bella's words from her letters, stating that she never felt that way for Jacob and that was why he left her in the end.

"She didn't love you like that though," I said reflexively before realising that my statement sounded cruel. Jacob wouldn't know my insider information.

"Did she?" I added for his benefit, turning it into a question rather than a statement.

"I guess I'll never know. I thought she did, or at least she could have." He scrubbed his face roughly with his hands. "The wolf thing, it interferes in more ways that you can imagine."

I found myself drawn into the story his thoughts were showing me.

"_I can't believe you Jake," a young girl with russet coloured skin, jet black, cropped hair and a hard, muscular body cried out when he came within sight of her. _

"_What is it Lee-Lee?" _

_A visible shudder ran through her at the name. "Don't call me that," she hissed. _

_Jacob rolled his eyes. "What's the problem?" _

"_The _problem_ is Bella." _

_Jacob sighed heavily as he walked toward her, stripping off his clothes as he went. The girl, Lee-Lee, turned her back at the last moment as he shed his cut-off shorts. _

"_She's not a problem_._" _

_A slight popping sound filled the air as Jacob's human form exploded outward to release the wolf within. It was an unusual sight, experiencing things through the eyes and ears of a wolf. _

_The girl growled as Jacob ran lithely away from her, his four legs working as one to propel him forward at tremendous speed. Another popping sound and suddenly Jacob's thoughts were no longer his own. Lee-Lee—or Leah as she preferred—was in his mind, surrounding each one of his thoughts. Reading and sharing; linked. _

'_It's not a problem,' Jacob reiterated. _

'You're going up to the hospital to see if she's woken again, aren't you?'

_Jacob confirmed her suspicions wordlessly. There was no need for words; his thoughts were hers too now. _

_Suddenly images of Leah with a man, and then that man with another woman, filled Jacob's head. _

'_It's not fair for you to try to convince her that she should choose you.' _

_Jacob's thoughts filled with Bella. Her sadness after I'd left and with the slow healing he'd seen over the months that followed. _

'_It's not the same as you and Sam,' Jacob said defensively. _

'_How is it not the same?' _

_Jacob remembered the feelings he had for Bella, the overwhelming love and desire. _

'She isn't your imprint,' _Leah reminded him sadly. _

_Jacob didn't want to be reminded that the imprinting phenomenon they'd thought rare was affecting most of his 'brothers'. _

'_I might never imprint on anyone,' he reminded her in return. _

'_But you might.'_ _Her thoughts were soft, gently trying to coax him to see the truth she was presenting. _

'_How can I turn my back on her now, after everything she's been through?'_

'_Wouldn't it be kinder and easier to do it now while she only feels friendship, than to have her fall deeply in love with you and you imprint on someone else?'_

_Jacob's thoughts filled with images of how hard it would be for Bella if he imprinted after they were married. He thought it was something that could never happen, but then admitted it was something that could happen at any moment. All it would take was one glimpse of 'the one' and he would break Bella's heart all over again. Leah's thoughts reminded him of her own pain after Sam imprinted on another. How she didn't understand the reason they'd broken up. They'd loved each other so much, had so many plans, but once Sam saw Emily—Leah's second cousin—it didn't matter._

_Jacob winced internally at feeling Leah's pain. _

'_It's better to hurt her now while she still only thinks of you as her friend. Don't convince her otherwise. Don't try to drag her into this life. Not when there's that risk you will hurt her.' _

_Jacob hated to admit that she was right. _

~ 0 ~

I understood Jacob's memory immediately. It was a conversation he'd had with Leah—the one Bella mentioned in her letters—assumedly before his visit to her in the hospital after rescuing her from Victoria. The one where he'd said goodbye and walked away from her.

I thought back over Bella's letters. Surprisingly to me, Leah had not been interested in Jacob romantically, at least not during that conversation. Under different circumstances, I might have been interested to find out why they'd gone from friends to lovers. Why they'd decided to marry and have children. I knew enough about human nature to know that sometimes any companionship is preferable to loneliness. Humans have the remarkable ability to push heartache aside to move on, at least to some degree. _Bella is proof of that._

"Do you doubt Jackson's love for Arabella?" I asked.

"No, definitely not. He loves her. I know it. I'm just saying, once _it_ happens. Once we _change_ it's an impulse. We don't know who we'll imprint on. It's not our choice and I'm not even sure it has anything to do with love. All we know is that it happens the first time we see _her _after the first time we phase. It's compulsive, or so I'm lead to believe."

"Didn't you ever…"

He shook his head sadly. "In the end, I left Bella for no reason. There was never anyone else." He closed his eyes for a minute, as if remembering something. "Although, if I'm honest, I think she was happier with Blake than she ever would have been with me."

"Do you know him?" I asked.

Jake nodded. _He's a good man. He loves Bella, so much. I can't admit that I think he loves her more than I ever could have. _

I bowed my head in response to his thoughts.

We sat for a moment in mutual silence, each of us shrouded in a cloak of our individual grief and guilt. Jacob's thoughts echoed my own, acknowledging that we each played a part in the destruction of Bella, with Blake picking up the pieces after we abandoned her.

Jacob stood to leave. "Just think about it, please?" He swiped his face to rid himself of a single tear that slid down his aged cheek.

I nodded. "I'm not planning on staying for too long," I murmured.

I had no idea how much longer it would take to finish all of Bella's letters, but beyond that, I had no immediate plans to stay in Forks. It held nothing for me anymore; just like the rest of the world.

"Thank you."

I just nodded in response, silently willing him to leave so that I could go back to wallowing with Bella's letters.

~ 0 ~

_13__th__ September 2010_

_Dear Edward,_

_You won't believe how much my life has changed since the last letter I wrote you. I'm now the mother of a darling little boy, Bailey. _

_Bailey Charles Michaels was born on the 21__st__ August 2010. He weighed in at 8 pounds 2 ounces and was 18 inches long._

_Life has changed so much since that moment. I can't even believe how much my heart bursts with love for my son. _My _little son_. _I'm still coming to terms with everything that's happened since the last letter I wrote you. _

_Bailey is adorable. He's my angel. The way I feel about him eclipses the way I've ever felt about anyone. It's not necessarily that I love him more than anyone else it's just a different love. When he was first born, I spent hours just staring at him, I still do in fact. It's the little things about him that fascinate me the most and keep me constantly enthralled. The way his lips move as he attempts to suckle while he's sleeping. The way his eyes search to find me. I know that he relies on me completely for everything. It's empowering and it's terrifying. He's completely consumed my life. _

_I've been playing him your CD every night while he sleeps. Especially the song you wrote for me. I've wondered when listening to it whether you actually did write it for me, or whether that was just another lie? Although…I've got a theory about the stuff you left for me. It's strange, sitting and watching Bailey gives me so much time to think. In my wildest fantasies I've even begun to imagine that maybe, just maybe, you left because you cared. It's twisted I know, but ever since the first time that thought danced through my consciousness, it's been impossible to forget. In fact, my mind has continued to build up more evidence to support the crazy notion. _

_Today, on my birthday, it's even easier to convince myself that _is_ the reason you left. I mean, things were great, better than great. Then, after my birthday party, things suddenly changed. For days you weren't yourself, and then you left. Just like you said you should when I was in the hospital in Phoenix. You told me you should leave then. You told me you were dangerous. Was Jasper's slip the final straw for you? Did you leave so that I wouldn't be hurt by your family, or worse, by you? _

_I'm laughing at myself now, inventing these wild fantasies rather than facing the evidence that you simply didn't want me. It's just…how can I explain it? You told me that you loved me for months and months, yet I believed you instantly when you said it wasn't true. Was I just so unwilling to accept good things in my life that I was so readily willing to accept the lie?_

_After all, from the first time you showed interest in me, I kept waiting for the sword to drop. I always suspected it was too good to last. I guess I'll never know for certain will I?_

_On the plus side, this is the first birthday since you left where I haven't locked myself away from the world completely. I have someone much more important to focus my attention on, and that makes coping with the heartache much easier._

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I had promised myself I wouldn't go back once I realised she was pregnant. I'd sworn that I would never return as I ran from her house that night. That pact had lasted all of three months. Shortly after her birthday, I found myself creeping back to Forks and climbing the familiar wall that led into her old bedroom; into the room that had been converted into a nursery.

I climbed the wall achingly slowly, conscious of the fact that Bella might be awake with her new child. As soon as my eyes reached the window, I risked a quick glance inside. She was there, seated with her back to the window, holding a tiny bundle in her arms. I watched silently, waiting to see if she was awake or asleep. Eventually, I realised that she was asleep by the tiny, rhythmic rise and fall of her shoulders.

I slid the window open, inching it up agonisingly slowly. I listened carefully for any tell-tale squeak or sound that might signal to Bella that someone was entering the room. Thankfully the window remained oiled and ran along its tracks silently and steadily. I opened it only wide enough to allow myself to climb through.

I stepped carefully into the room, unwilling to disturb her slumber. I almost choked when I rounded the chair to look at her. A small, dark-headed baby rested against her chest, its mouth was open and its tiny tongue clicked at regular intervals as it attempted to suckle the air in its sleep.

I took a step back and drank in the scene. It was the perfect image, the Madonna and child. It made me ache for her and I longed to be human so I could experience this with her, even though I knew I never could. Instead, I stole a few more seconds of the intimate scene before regretfully tearing myself away from her room again when I heard the sounds of someone moving around in the next room. As I ran from the house, I didn't stop to ponder the fact that whoever else had been in the house, their mind was silent to me too.

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- This would have been posted sooner, but my internet died. It's up and running again now so...prepare for the deluge if you have me on aurthor alert ;)**


	15. Chapter 14: Madness

**Chapter 14: Madness**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

It was clear to me now that it was Blake who had been in the other room. _But why was he silent to me?_ I hadn't given much thought—or any thought at all—to the silent mind of Bella's companion over the years. I'd spent too much time worrying about Bella or lamenting the fact that I'd abandoned her.

I could easily remember the madness that overtook me once I left the comfort of that room. I left Bella sleeping peacefully with her beautiful child. I headed straight for my safe haven. I didn't stop moving until I reached the shores of Isle Esme. I desired respite, but nothing gave me peace from myself. Every thought, every moment, was consumed by Bella. It was far worse than when I'd initially left her because seeing her holding her child made it _final_. It made it _real_.

Bella had moved on. Bella didn't want me anymore.

Even though it was what I wanted for her, I couldn't deal with it. I had existed by surviving on the knowledge that if I became desperate enough, if my yearning grew too fierce, I would be able to go back to her and beg on my knees for forgiveness; but not any more. She was someone else's now. She belonged to her child. She could never abandon her baby to join me in my existence, and even in my most selfish thoughts, I could never even contemplate asking her to.

Knowing that it was completely finished, that I could never be there for her again, hurt. I didn't think it was possible for vampires to feel physical pain, but my emotional agony manifested itself in my body. My eyes stung, constantly burning with venom. My ears rang with the echo of her voice, her laughter. My love for her and tears that would not fall, tortured me. It felt like huge chunks were missing inside me. There was a gaping hole in my chest and my breath felt restricted. It was as if I couldn't breathe, even though I didn't actually need oxygen.

I had existed like that for years. Minute after painful minute dragged at me, pulling me down into the depths of despair. I fell to pieces, and try as they might, it was impossible for my family to put me back together. I stayed alone on the island for most of the year. Someone from my family would visit to check up on me once every few months.

Alone and isolated, I had nothing to do but live with the Bella who existed solely in my mind. She became a spectre; following me around, whispering to me all the things I wanted to hear from her. Reminding me of everything I had given up, and everything I had lost. Everything I could never get back again.

It was at least four years before I finally returned to my family, full of apology for the heartache I knew I'd caused them. No matter how much I apologised, it never felt like enough, because they weren't the only ones I owed the apology to. They of course welcomed me home with open arms, even though I knew I didn't deserve it. Their willingness to forgive me was almost enough to send me fleeing again; it wasn't their forgiveness I craved.

From then on, I tried so hard to be a part of my family; to live rather than just to exist. Sometimes, I was successful, at other times I wasn't. It was harder than I could have possibly imagined, but I owed it to them. I had taken Bella out of their lives; it wasn't fair of me to remove myself as well. I began to slowly piece together my crumbled self, but I knew it was only an act.

I knew I could never be whole again, not without Bella by my side.

~ 0 ~

I was saddened by the fact that Bella's next letter to me was dated almost a full year after her last. I flicked through the pile again, just to be certain, but it was clear that I'd become a low priority for her. The frequency of her letters decreased so rapidly. When I looked at the gaps, it was easy to wonder whether she even thought about me at all as the years passed by.

I felt the madness that had eaten away at me for so long returning in force. I knew it wasn't fair for me to expect her to continue to write her letters with the same dedication that she had when she started, but a selfish part of me wanted to know every aspect of each day of her life. I wanted to know that I was in her thoughts as often as she was in mine. I wanted her to remember me. I could admit that now. When I said goodbye, I'd thought I wanted it to be as if I never existed. Now, to think that she _had_ forgotten about me …well it was just too painful to accept.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ June 2011_

_Dear Edward,_

_I can't believe it's your birthday again already. I only remembered the date because Blake was excited about having some time alone together on our wedding anniversary. I would have been content to let the day pass just like any other, watching the miracle that is my son. _

_He started crawling a month ago. I can't believe it happened so quickly. It's scary; he's not really my baby boy any more. Although, I guess he will always be my baby. _

_Blake has arranged for Charlie and Sue to come to our house to watch Bailey tonight. It will be the first time I've left him alone with them, and I'm anxious about it, but I think that's normal for a doting parent like me. _

_Blake and I have decided that I don't need to work. Looking after Bailey will be my focus. I think Blake loves having me stay at home with our child; he really is so old fashioned in a lot of ways. It's little things like that which remind me of you._

_Anyway, I'm supposed to be getting ready to head out for the night, but I had to take the unhindered opportunity to say happy birthday to you. I really hope things are going well for you. _

_I'm happy now, Edward. Most mornings I actually wake with a smile on my face. It's usually to the sound of crying, but I'm smiling nonetheless. I always have a smile for my family. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I found it ironic that just as I was going through the deepest pits of despair, Bella was finally beginning to heal. The tone of her letter, the words, the writing, everything led me to believe she was the happiest she had been since I left. Guilt twisted inside of me that it had taken so many years for her to begin the healing process. My mind shielded me from the pain momentarily as I remembered the heartache I'd witnessed in her later years through the memories of Arabella. Instead, I focused on the fact that for a time Bella was truly happy.

~ 0 ~

_13__th__ August 2011_

_Dear Edward,_

_Guess what? I'm pregnant again. I can barely believe it. I'm not sure whether I'm more terrified or excited. It's great for Bailey. He's going to have a little brother or sister. He's always going to have someone else for him in a way I never did. _

_I'm due mid-March next year. I know it's clichéd, but this little one is an anniversary baby. I know the conception date for a fact, because…well, it's about the only time Blake and I have had time and energy to be together that way. _

_I can't help wondering if it's going to be another boy or if it will be a girl this time. I'm not sure whether or not I want to find out. All I really want is another healthy baby. I know that's not too much to ask for. Blake was overjoyed when I told him. He kissed me so sweetly. It was impossible not to get swept up in the wave of love he showed me. _

_I'm so content with my life at the moment. I hope that you have found peace too, especially if my theory that you still love me is true. If you did leave to protect me, it means that you might have truly loved me. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have a memory with perfect recall and have to live apart from someone you love. Even with my dull human memories, I have occasions where I miss you so much it's physically painful. I just try not to wallow in memories of you anymore. After all, if you left so that I could have a life away from the dangers associated with your kind, don't I owe it to you to be as happy as I can be?_

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I knew I should have been glad that she was happy. I knew I wanted that for her. Instead, I felt the agony of my loss stab at my chest repeatedly, deflating my lungs and forcing out loud, painful sobs. It hurt especially badly when I saw the date on her next letter. There were a few cards and jotted notes, but nothing more than a happy birthday or a merry Christmas.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ August 2015_

_Dear Edward,_

_I am so sorry that it's been so long since I wrote. Please know I haven't forgotten about you. In fact, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of you. It's just so hard trying to find time to sit and write a letter at the moment. _

_I'm juggling three kids now, can you believe it? I barely can. _

_I knew two kids to balance would be hard once Rhys came. If Bailey is my angel, Rhys is my little devil. He has been a little wild child since the day he was born; never allowing me a moment's peace or time to myself. I'm on my feet twenty-four seven looking after him._

_You should have seen him as a baby though, Edward, he was so adorable. His eyes weren't the usual newborn blue. I don't know why, but they looked almost green. The colour of them shocked me a little, but they made the name I had selected for him so much more fitting. Rhys Edward._

_And now I have my little girl, Carianne Alice. She was born in March this year. So much has changed since I last wrote to you, and yet everything remains the same. Blake and I still live in my childhood home, although he's raised the idea of moving so many times. I just can't. This house is home to too many memories for me. It's funny sometimes, the five of us squeezing into the two small rooms. But I don't think I could have it any other way. _

_My little man, Bailey, turns five tomorrow. It doesn't seem like it was five years ago that my life changed so completely. Before his birth, I didn't know whether it was even possible for me to feel actual joy again. Not that Blake didn't make me happy in his own way; of course he did—_does_. But I'd wondered whether I would ever feel genuine warmth radiating from within me again. I've had very few moments of absolute sorrow since my children came into the world. _

_I still miss you. I still love you. I always will. _

_Part of me will belong to you forever. _

_I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

Almost four years. That's how long she'd gone without writing to me. I knew I should have felt relieved that she had obviously healed enough to not need the therapy of her letters to me to survive, but I didn't. I felt pain and anger. I felt…jealous. Mostly, I felt ashamed for the way I felt, but I didn't know how to change it.

I wasn't envious of anyone in particular; just of the situation. Blake and their three children got to see the best of the Bella. All I had was fantasy and make-believe. I could only imagine her comforting _our_ children when they were stricken by the flu. I could only dream of connecting with her intimately in stolen moments of passion while the rest of our family slept peacefully at night.

She'd led the life I wanted for her, but I now knew why it hurt me so much. She had what I wanted for her, but not with me. I wanted to be the one who was able to give her all of those things. But because of what I was, I was incapable. Instead, I could only offer her pain and suffering.

It took me a moment to get over the delay in her writing to reflect on the names she had given her children. I felt a fresh stirring of love for my beautiful angel that she had given her son my name. Despite everything I did to her, she thought I was worthy of that kind of gift.

~ 0 ~

_21__st__ August 2015_

_Dear Edward,_

_Blake and I had a huge fight last night. I feel so terrible about it. It was all a bit of a misunderstanding. Well, actually maybe Blake understands more than I can fathom, but he doesn't really know. He can't. _

_It was stupid, but I accidentally left my last letter to you under a stack of bills. Blake found it and he was livid. I tried to explain it to him in the best, most human way I could, but I don't think he understood. How could he? How could I explain to him that I'm writing letters to someone but I never intend to send them? How do I make him see that he's not my second choice? He's my only option. _

_I'm hiding out in the kid's room now. I'm so afraid to face him. I don't know what to do to make this better. I can't lose him. Despite what he might think, I do love him. I love him so much. It feels almost easy to admit that and write it down, but I just don't think he believes me when I say it. Not now. _

_It hurts to think about losing him. At the moment I feel like my lungs have been ripped from my chest. I can't breathe. I can't function. It's a sensation I know very well, I felt it for the longest time after you left. _

_Blake asked me if I was lying to him when I said our wedding vows. He was so hurt, so broken when he confronted me about whether I was in love with you still. It hurt me to see the pain in his eyes. He has done nothing but be there for me, and I admit in a letter to you that I love you. _

_It is possible to love more than one person. Isn't it?_

_I think he is scared that he is going to lose me. I wonder if he thinks you will return some day and sweep me off my feet. But he doesn't understand, even if you did, where would it leave you and me? You'd be just as you were and I'd be different. I love you so much, but I don't think I could be with you now. I have my children to think of. I have my husband to think of. _

_I stumbled across a quote the other day and it resonated with me. I think I understand it even more now after my fight with Blake. _

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child:

but when I became a man, I put away childish things.*

_Maybe now is the time to pack away the things of my childhood. _

_Maybe it's time I move on from my adolescent love. _

_I love you; I will always love you. _

_But now is the time for me to be with my family. _

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- Hope everyone is doing well! **

***Quote is 1 Corinthians 13:11**


	16. Chapter 15: Apology

**Chapter 15: Apology **

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz._

~ 0 ~

Bella _had_ written more letters.

I knew that she had, the evidence was in front of me. I had them laid out and I could detect the last vestige of her scent still lingering on them.

However, the fact that more letters existed did little to assuage the pain that ravaged me as I'd read Bella's 'final' farewell. I'd had the opportunity to read her letters one after the other, so many years of her life had past almost in a flash.

The sequence —her healing and moving on—all occurred quickly for me. Even allowing for the interruptions, it felt like no time at all had past since she was hurting so badly over what I'd done to her. While I didn't want her to be hurt any more, the idea that she was able to pack away her thoughts of me and forget me completely, shattered me.

Of course she was just doing exactly what I'd thought I wanted her to do, but that was before I really knew. It was before I understood what it meant for her to move on, the pain it caused her and the pain it caused me. I didn't want her to forget. What I wanted was the one thing I could never have; I wanted to go back and erase the pain I'd caused her. I wanted to go back and live my _life_ with her.

I almost didn't want to open her next letter, because it pained me too much to think about what could have caused her to put pen back to paper.

The last time it had been hope that had spurred her to write to me. I hadn't visited her during that period in her life—I had wanted to, I had yearned to be near her so much. However, each time I'd so much as thought about visiting Forks and watching over her again I was swamped by images of Bella holding her child. I knew she didn't need me in her life anymore. I was a complication that would only make things harder for her if I was seen. As hard as it was to stay away, I did, for her. It was always for her.

Instead of opening the letter that I was dreading, I thought back on our time together. I pictured the way she would smile or quirk her eyebrow when she didn't believe what I was saying. I relived our summer days spent hidden away from the world in our meadow.

For one summer I was completely hers and she was completely mine.

It had taken hours immersed in memories of love and happiness before I finally gathered enough courage to continue reading.

I took a deep breath before opening the next envelope. I almost faltered again as I looked at Bella's handwriting. Gone was the almost whimsical lettering of the previous letters, replaced with morose, heavy penmanship.

~ 0 ~

_19__th__ March 2026_

_Dear Edward,_

_It's been more than ten years since I last wrote you a letter. I wish I could say I'd been able to resist thinking about you for those ten years, but I would be lying. Sometimes, most of the time in fact, I find it impossible not to dream of your face. I think about the little things that we did together, like lying side by side on my bed for hours while Charlie slept obliviously in his room. I wonder what he would have thought if he'd known you snuck into my window each night, but then that would probably be the least of his concerns if he knew everything, right? _

_I don't know how best to say this, so I'll come out and say it. I think Blake and I might be about to separate. Things have been a little bit rocky between us. We've both tried so hard to make things work, but I just don't know if we'll ever be able to get back to where we were. I think it's largely my fault. After all, I married him even though I was in love with someone else. Try as I might to shake those feelings, they are still there. _

_I still love you, and I don't think I will ever be able to stop. _

_The kids all know that something is wrong. They keep questioning things and my little Cari keeps asking if I'm alright. She's so intuitive, sometimes I wonder if her middle name rubbed off on her a little and she has a trace of Alice's gift. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. _

_I wish I knew how to set things right with Blake. I know that neither of us want to break-up, but I just don't know if it can go any other way. How can I beg him to stay with me when I can't give him all of my heart? He deserves someone better than me, someone who will love him completely, and someone without all of my baggage. _

_He's told me he's in it for the long haul, that he stands by every word of his marriage vows, but I've seen how upset he gets at the mention of you, or even of your name. At first I had no guilt or apprehension about giving Rhys your name, but as the years have worn on, and as Blake has come to know more about you and me, it seems increasingly cruel of me to have inflicted that pain on him. If I'd known the pain the name 'Edward' would cause Blake, I would never have used it. _

_I just don't know what to do. I want to save my marriage. I really want to make it work. I just wish that my feelings of love for you didn't make me feel like I'm betraying Blake. What I feel for you doesn't diminish at all with each passing year, and I feel like I'm deceiving him anew. How can I fix it? How can I stop? _

_It's gotten so bad lately that I've even begun to fantasise about you. It's so terrible. I'm almost forty and I've begun to fantasise about a seventeen-year-old who only exists for me in my memory. I've had the most vivid dreams about you. I've woken in a cold sweat as I've imagined your cool fingers exploring my body tenderly. I've dreamt about doing things with you that I've only ever experienced with Blake. I can't stop the images from overtaking my mind each night. It's all part of the reason why I feel like I'm being unfaithful to Blake. If I knew how to stop it, I would. He deserves better than this. He deserves better than _me_. _

_I'm sorry for venting this in a letter addressed to you, but I need to get my thoughts in line. I've been talking myself around in circles for a while now. I just can't seem to find the words I need to cut him loose. I need him too much, but we can't keep going on like this either. Sometimes it feels like we're living two completely separate lives, or that we're roommates rather than husband and wife._

_I wish there was some way to have it all. _

_Forever yours,_

_Bella _

~ 0 ~

I would be lying if I said I'd been completely unaffected by her words about her fantasies. I'd thought about what might have been if I'd been selfish enough to change her, but I knew _that_ could never happen between us while she was still human. It would have been far too dangerous for her, and I wouldn't have been able to control myself.

Even thinking about the heady scent of her blood combined with making love to her was almost too much. I tried to push that part of her letter out of my mind. Instead, I concentrated on what she had written about the issues between her and Blake. I was anxious to know what happened between them. _Had Bella broken up with him because she was too haunted by visions of me? Had I unwittingly caused her heart to break all over again?_

It seemed I was destined to condemn us both to eternal pain.

~ 0 ~

_20__th__ March 2026_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore, but I've either just done the best thing or the worst thing imaginable. Just after I wrote my last letter, I realised what I need is time._

_I need time to resolve everything that's going on in my mind. I need to try to get past the fantasies of you. Most of all, I need to work out who I am and how that compares to who I want to be._

_With that in mind, I asked Blake for a separation. I was terrified before I asked, and the look on his face was horrible. I wasn't sure how he would take it, part of me was worried that he would be angry, but he wasn't. No, it was much worse than that. He was devastated. He had tears in his eyes as he asked me the one question I dreaded. _'Why?'

_How can I even begin to answer that question? Why can't I love him, and only him? Why can't I forget about you, someone who I haven't seen in over twenty years? Why is it that my love for you never seems to dull. No matter how happy I am, I'm always aware of your absence. It's almost like you took part of me when you left and I have no idea how to fill the gap. _

_It hurt so badly asking Blake to leave. I felt like I was stomping on his heart. I still love him, I don't doubt that. I just don't know how to get us to where we should be. I can't help feeling that he'd be happier without me in his life._

_The one thing I do know is that we need some time apart. More specifically, I need to take some time away from him to sort out my own mind. It feels like everything has come crashing down on me recently. It's not just one event either. It's like it's been building for so long and it's finally hit me. I feel like I've been dishonest to him and I just can't handle feeling this way anymore. It's eating me alive. _

_The worst part is that I know he doesn't want this. He doesn't want a break; he wants us to work things out. But he left because I begged him too. He loves me so much that he's willing to walk away from everything we have just to give me space. That fact alone is enough to make me hate myself even more. _

_I wish I had someone who could help me and guide me through this. I will just have to try to work out what is best for everyone._

_Sometimes I wonder whether this is how you felt before you left. Did you think that I would be better off without you? I wonder whether I am. I have my wonderful children. I know that I would never have had the chance to experience that with you, but even though I wouldn't give them up for the world, I don't know that I would have missed motherhood if I'd never experienced it. _

_Maybe that's part of my problem, I just don't know whether you were lying when you said you loved me or when you said you didn't. One of those two has to be a lie, and the more I think about it, the more logical it seems that the lie was the thing you only told me once. _

_But the problem is, if I think like that—if I think that you loved me when you left—I can't cope. It makes me regret not fighting for us that day. Was there something I could have done or said differently that would have made you stay? Was there still some hope for our relationship and I let it slip through my fingers? _

_I just wish I knew. _

_Forever yours, _

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I hated that Bella held so much despondency over her continued love for me. Our love should have been something that was celebrated; a true, undying love that never faded or dimmed no matter how many years passed. Had I known the depth of her love, would I still have left her? A part of me had been sure that she wasn't able to love me as completely or deeply as I loved her. I had been certain she would forget me.

_It will be as if I never existed. _

I cursed my stupidity, my naivety. I wish there was some way I could fix it all. I wish I had known then what I knew now.

Alice had known, of course, and she'd tried to talk me out leaving. She might not have known exactly what would happen, exactly how long it would take for Bella to heal, but she had told me that Bella would be hurt; that Bella would continue to hurt. She'd tried to convince me that I was being a fool. The years had proven that she'd been right, but she'd never once said 'I told you so' or berated me for my choice. She supported me even though my stupidity had cost her a best friend. She'd even gone so far as to watch over Bella from time to time to ensure she was safe—Jacob's confession had told me that much.

I realised I owed my sister an apology. I'd spent so many years rampaging my way through her life, through the lives of all of my family, without considering the consequences of my actions. I'd been so concerned with my own grief and guilt that I'd never even regarded their pain.

I thought about the detachment that I'd felt over the years. My family and I had once been close, but no longer. I realised that any rift between my family and I had been entirely my doing. They had constantly offered their support and love but I continually distanced myself from them. I'd lived with them, but not as one of them. I saw my mistakes reflected in the relationship between Bella and Blake. Bella was so consumed with her own guilt that she didn't see the truth; Blake was willing to love her despite knowing of her love for me.

I wasn't sure whether he believed that you could love two people at the same time or whether he was so desperate that he was willing to accept anything Bella offered, but I found myself sympathising with him. He had fallen in love with the girl I had damaged and he had helped her find her way into womanhood. She may have given a piece of her heart to me, but she had given everything else to him.

I decided I wanted to meet him.

I couldn't let him know who I was obviously, but I needed to meet the man who had loved Bella so fiercely that he was willing to walk away just because she asked him to.

First though, I needed to call my family and apologise.

I pulled out my cell and turned it on. I dialled Alice's number.

"Edward," she answered before I'd even heard the calling tone.

"Alice, I just wanted to say—"

"It's okay," she cut me off. "Everyone knows why you were the way you were. They understand. Each of us would have been the same in your situation; none of us can even _imagine_ living without our mate."

"I should never have left her," I admitted.

"No, you shouldn't have."

I managed a mirthless chuckle at her brute honesty.

"Jasper and I are going to be there tomorrow," she said, abruptly changing the subject.

"What?" I asked. "Why?"

"You're going to need us, and I know you have questions for me. I'd rather answer them in person."

I considered what she was saying. I hadn't wanted any of my family with me because I had planned on ending my life after I'd said goodbye. Alice knew it, it was part of the reason she'd wanted to come with me in the first place.

I thought for a moment. A big part of me wanted to tell her not to come, that it was something I needed to finish on my own, but another part, a tiny piece of me that I usually tried to suppress, wanted her and Jasper with me. If I was honest with myself, I needed their support. I needed people more than I ever would admit to myself. I was finally beginning to come to terms with that, and it was Bella pushing her husband away that made me realise it.

"Okay."

"Edward, can you do me a favour?" she asked almost silently.

I held the phone tightly, wondering what she would possibly ask of me.

"Please don't read Bella's next letter until we get there. I think… I just think it would be for the best."

I couldn't agree to it, and Alice must have known that I couldn't.

"Well, can you at least go to our old house?" she asked. "You have someone waiting for you there."

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- Thank you all for the love, reviews & support. Thank you again to Boydblog for betaing this baby for me. Have you checked out her stories? No? Well you totally should! **

**Also a quick thank-you to those who have nom'd or voted for Letters to You in a few different awards lately, it is seriously a huge honour just to be listed in the same category as some of the other fics I am up against. **


	17. Chapter 16: Surrender

**Chapter 16: Surrender**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz._

~ 0 ~

I debated saying no to Alice. I wanted to keep reading the letters and I didn't want to tear myself away from the cemetery, away from Bella.

Alice pleaded with me before I'd had the chance to turn her down. She convinced me to go home when she'd told me who was waiting for me. I couldn't find the strength to argue after that.

I ran to the house as fast as I could, realising that I would have to make up some excuse for why I didn't have a car with me. I knew I could lie my way out of that easily enough, after all my Volvo was still in the garage, even if I hadn't driven it.

I came towards the back of the house, over the river that ran through the forest. I shed the jacket of my suit and unbuttoned the cuffs of my shirt—anything to make it look like I was more at ease than I really felt. I'd decided I would pretend I'd just finished a walk in the forest, and pretend that I hadn't spent the better part of the day at the cemetery. After all, Arabella had seen me 'leave'.

In the end, my planning was for naught. Arabella arrived a few minutes after I did. She sat in her car for a moment.

_Should I ask him about this? I mean I barely know him, but who else can I turn to? He's going to think I'm crazy. _

Eventually she decided she would talk to me and climbed out of her car before crossing the knee-high grass to get to the front door. I pulled opened the door just as she raised her hand to knock.

"Edward," she breathed. "I was hoping I'd find you here."

Her heart was pounding and she had been crying.

"What is it?" I asked.

She began to cry.

_Jackson! Where are you? Where have you gone? What's happening? _

"It's Jackson," she said quietly. "His dad told me that he doesn't want to see me anymore."

"What?" I asked.

I thought back to Jacob's words in the forest near Bella's grave earlier that morning. He was happy that Arabella and Jackson were together. _Why would he suddenly change his mind?_ One reason sprung to my mind, but the implications were too much for me to instantly comprehend.

"Would you like to come in?" I asked realising too late that the house hardly appeared lived in. There wasn't even any food in the kitchen.

She nodded. "I'm sorry to dump this on you. I mean, I don't know you and well, you don't know me or Jackson. I just…I don't know. I just felt compelled to come here. I thought you might understand. I wasn't even sure that you'd be here, but I knew that no one had lived here since your Great-Uncle's family left and I thought that maybe you'd be here."

_I wish I could explain exactly why I came here. It's stupid. I shouldn't have come. He's a stranger. Why do I feel like I can trust him?_

I smiled as reassuringly as I could before leading her into the living room. My mind was reeling as I considered her thoughts. _Why had she come to my family's house?_

I tore the dust cover off the couch before offering her a seat. She sat down heavily and I sat alongside her, desperately anxious to find out more. I needed to alleviate the fear that was settling on me.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Jackson was supposed to take me out tonight. We arranged it this morning when he met me near Nana's grave. I drove him home rather than going back to my house because he said wasn't feeling well. I think he was running a temperature or something. But he promised me he'd come to my house, or call me if he couldn't.

"He was supposed to be at my house at four, but when that came and went without hearing from him, I called him. His dad said that he didn't want to see me again."

"Perhaps he was just sick?" I offered.

She shook her head. "No, his dad didn't say he couldn't see me _today, _he said he didn't want to see me again. Ever again!" Fresh tears welled in her eyes and fell heavily down her cheek.

I wanted to comfort her but I had no idea where to start. I hadn't been in close contact with humans since…well since Bella, and, with the exception of what happened with James, during our time together embraces had been for pleasure and not for comfort. I leaned toward her a little and placed my hand gently on her knee. I wasn't sure whether she noticed it or not, but her tears didn't abate.

"I just don't know what to do," she sobbed. "I love him. I know that people will say that I don't know what love is, that I'm too young. But I _love_ him. I know its love. I can't even imagine my life without him."

She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her chest. It was almost as if she was trying to hold herself together. I couldn't help myself; I held my breath to try to keep control of my thirst and then wrapped my arms gently around her.

"Shh," I soothed, stroking her hair gently, trying to calm her at least a little. I was worried about the reasons behind Jackson's sudden disappearance, but I didn't want to worry Arabella unnecessarily. Jacob's words from earlier in the day came back to haunt me. '_It could happen to Jackson. It's already starting. I've noticed the heat and the anger. It may even be too late to stop it.' _

"I believe you. I know that you can fall in love at any age."

She looked up at me and I found myself lost in her eyes. They were so much like Bella's and I didn't like seeing them filled with tears. I gently brushed away a tear on her cheek.

"Are…are you in love with someone?"

I felt the pain of the last fifty years bubbling inside me. I closed my eyes to shield myself from the intensity of her stare. I couldn't deny how I felt, because she would have seen my answer in my reaction.

I nodded.

"What's her name?"

I couldn't speak at first. How could I possibly tell her that I was in love with her Nana? Instead, I shook my head. I finally found my voice and gave the only response I could think of.

"It doesn't matter. We aren't together anymore." Saying the words out loud felt like the final betrayal.

She sniffed and a fresh round of tears began. I tried anew to soothe her, but I knew it was useless. There was only one person who could ease her sorrow. It broke me all over again knowing that Bella had felt this way at some point and I was the person who could have fixed it, but I wasn't there. I had failed her.

I vowed that I wouldn't fail her family.

~ 0 ~

I sat with Arabella for at least half an hour before she'd calmed down enough for me to leave her alone. She curled up on the couch and continued to sob quietly while I went into another room to try to gather my thoughts. I wanted to find out whether Jackson had simply grown tired of her, or whether supernatural forces were behind his sudden cruelty. I just didn't know the best way to find out. I knew Jacob would be able to tell me, but I couldn't risk breaking the treaty and going onto their land to find him. Especially not when I wasn't sure whether Jacob actually wouldtell me.

I considered asking Arabella for Jacob's number but I suspected he wouldn't tell me anything more than he had told her. I needed to speak to him or Jackson in person or I wouldn't get an honest answer.

Before I'd had time to consider too many other options, I realised I didn't need to try to find Jackson.

He had found me.

_I know you're in there, bloodsucker! I can smell you. _

I closed my eyes and concentrated on his thoughts. He was in the forest behind the house, just on the other side of the river. I called out softly to Arabella, to let her know I would be back in a minute before heading out to meet Jackson.

The instant the wind hit my face, I was disgusted and my worst fear was confirmed. A wretched scent wafted from between the trees and as I watched, I could easily make out the shape of a giant wolf.

_Dad says that this is your fault. He said you can hear me, hear my thoughts. I don't know if it's all true, I don't know what to think. I just know…he won't let me see _her_. And that's _your_ fault._

"Arabella's here," I murmured quietly. I knew he could hear me but I didn't want Arabella to overhear or come out to investigate. I checked that she was still on the couch before tuning my entire mind to Jackson's.

_Why is she here? Is there something going on? Why is everything happening? She can't see me like this. I'm a monster for crying out loud, how could she possibly feel the same way about me? It's all his fault! Why didn't I believe Mom and Dad when they told me all the legends? I'd thought they were just history, just make-believe. Bells knew the stories too. We laughed about how silly they were. She never believed them either. She won't believe them. She won't believe me. She won't still love me. _

Jackson's thoughts were muddled and confused, layering over one another. Underlying every thought was hatred for me. As far as he was concerned, my arrival had changed everything. My presence was to blame for him changing. He was certain Arabella would leave him when she found out what he'd become, but was equally concerned that he'd have to stay away from her because of what he was. He could only tell her the truth if she was his imprint—that's what his father had told him.

"Don't give up on love over something so trivial," I said.

I knew I should have told him to go. Infant wolves were dangerous and he could easily hurt her if his anger got out of control. Wolves were temperamental and their anger easily provoked. But I also knew how the two of them felt about each other. I knew what Jacob had told me and how the young girl sobbing in my living room felt.

_Trivial? I'm a fucking wolf! A wolf. A hairy, monstrous, gigantic, stupid, idiotic wolf. I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with this. I never knew. I never realised. I never wanted. This is your fault!_

His body shimmered and his hackles raised as a vicious snarl ripped from his muzzle.

I took a step toward the forest.

_Stop right there! You've done enough damage. It's your fault I'm like this! Dad says I can be human again, but I don't know how to change back. I'm so scared. I'm scared and I'm angry and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to close my eyes and have this all be a dream. It has to be a dream. Things like this don't happen in real life. Things like wolves and vampires don't really exist. It's not real. It can't be real. _

"Maybe I can help? I understand how you feel."

_You don't know anything about me! How can you even begin to imagine what I feel? The anger, it's burning me. I can't think properly. I'm so angry and scared. I feel so helpless. I want to see my Bella. I don't understand why they won't let me see her! I don't want to…I'll never hurt Bells! _

"Is everything okay? I thought I heard an animal growling. It…it sounded close."

I closed my eyes when I heard the quiet voice of Arabella. I didn't want her outside. I didn't want her to witness what had become of Jackson. I didn't want her to realise that the stories Bella used to tell her were true. I didn't want her to know what I was.

I watched through her eyes as she took in the scene of me standing and staring at the forest, seemingly talking to myself. I watched through Jackson's eyes as he saw her; as he _really_ saw her.

It was as if he'd never seen her before; as if he'd never seen anyone before her. The world fell away and nothing existed but _her_. The sun, the moon, even the Earth itself, they all meant nothing. Nothing meant anything; nothing but her. She existed, and therefore he did. He loved her. He had thought he'd loved her before, but he hadn't, not like this. Before, he'd been able to leave her when he'd had to, now he didn't think he would survive without her continuously by his side. He began to sink to the forest floor as a wolf, and landed on his knees as a man.

I audibly cried out at the feelings that pierced through me.

I'd felt like that. I had loved like that. I had that, and I had walked away.

Jackson pushed himself to his feet and took one step toward Arabella.

"Arabella, can you please go inside." I said as calmly as I could. I didn't want to turn away from the wolf even though he was now a man. I knew he could change back at any moment.

_You can't keep me from her. _Jackson's top lip pulled up into a snarl.

_Why does he want me to go inside? What's out there? _Arabella took a step closer, trying to see around me and into the forest.

I knew Jackson was concealed enough that she wouldn't be able to see him, but he could cover the distance relatively easily.

"Please, Arabella. I promise that I'll find Jackson for you, but you need to go inside now."

I hoped Jackson would understand from my words that I wasn't intending to keep him from Arabella. I just needed a minute to remind him that he was undressed and not in a fit state to see her right away.

_Is he lying or is he really going to let me see Bella? _

"I will," I hissed under my breath so that Arabella wouldn't hear. "I just need to find you some clothes."

He stopped dead and looked down at himself. I knew how confused he was and how much was happening in his mind. His head was spinning and his lack of clothing had been the last thing he'd considered until I'd mentioned it. He covered himself with his hands and looked around quickly for somewhere to hide.

Arabella strained once more to see what I was facing, before giving up and turning to walk back into the house. Her annoyance and unwillingness to drop the issue was at the forefront of her mind. I knew before long, she would know much more than she probably wanted to.

"I'll see if I can find something of my brother's for you to wear," I offered Jackson who was standing behind a bush but straining desperately to see Arabella. "Wait here until I get back."

I knew he'd heard me, but there was nothing in his thoughts to indicate whether or not he was willing to pay any attention to me. His mind was consumed with his love for Arabella, his imprint.

I headed to the storage area in the basement, running as quickly as I could, knowing that Arabella wouldn't see me. I selected a pair of jeans and a loose fitting t-shirt from Emmett's collection. I figured Emmett's would be the only clothes that would even come close to fitting Jackson. Less than a minute after I'd left, I returned with the jeans and threw them toward Jackson's feet.

He picked them up and eyed them wearily.

_He can't be serious? He wants me to wear these? They stink. No, they reek. It feels like I've shoved my whole face into a barrel of bleach. It's disgusting. _

He rubbed his nose to try to ease the irritation.

"I'm sorry," I said, genuinely upset that the best I could offer him caused him such discomfort. "They are all I have. I'll understand if you'd prefer to go to your house and get something else. I can stall Arabella until you get back."

I hoped he wouldn't demand to go back to his house with her, I wanted them to be together but I didn't want to risk her life. Jacob had already admitted he couldn't phase anymore. I was the only one who could interject to save her life if Jackson started to phase too close to her. My gift would allow me to tell if that was going to happen. I wanted to be present so that I could be in control of the situation.

As if I'd said the magic word, he began to pull on the jeans, even as he stepped forward toward the house. He wrinkled his nose as he pulled the t-shirt over his head. He was already halfway to the house by the time he'd finished dressing. He pushed by me to get into the house, whispering as he walked past.

"Listen, _bloodsucker_, I'm willing to play nice because my Dad seems to think you're decent enough…for one of your kind, but if you try to hurt her. I'll…" His body began to quiver and shake violently.

I clenched my teeth and reminded myself I was doing this for Bella. I would put these two on the right path and help them deal with the fallout of the supernatural as best as I could.

"You need to get control before you go in there. If you phase inside the house, you will hurt Arabella."

He winced at the thought of causing her any pain.

"What took you so long, Edw—" Arabella stopped mid-complaint when she saw who was with me. She debated silently whether to cry or throw herself into his arms. She saw something in his eyes that made her blow a breath of relief before she pushed herself across the room toward him.

I turned away rather than watch the reunion of lovers. It was too much for me to handle.

To distract myself, I pulled out the next letter Bella had written me. I opened it up hastily, trying not to let Arabella or Jackson see as I took the next hit of Bella that I so desperately needed.

~ 0 ~

_29__th__ April 2026 _

_Dear Edward, _

_I hate you so much right now. I can't even begin to explain how much. You took away everything I ever wanted. You didn't give me a choice in the matter. You left because you loved me so much? How? Why? You didn't want me to lose anyone? Was that the reason? You didn't want me to have to say _goodbye_, Edward? Well guess what? I have to. I have to say goodbye to everyone that means anything to me in this life. _

_You told me you didn't want to change me because you didn't want me to lose people. That's true is it? Well guess what? All I _do_ is loose people. _

_I lost you. _

_I lost Jake. _

_I lost Renee. _

_I lost Blake. _

_And now I've lost my father too. _

_Why didn't you stay? _

_Why couldn't you be there for me? Why didn't you give me that? Why couldn't I have something permanent and never-ending in my life? Why didn't I deserve someone I could rely on until the end? All I have is loss and pain. _

_There is just so much pain! Too much for me to bear. Far too much. I just don't know how to cope with this Edward. I don't know if I can. _

_I just don't know what to do anymore. _

_I give up. _

~ 0 ~


	18. Chapter 17: Truth

**Chapter 17: Truth**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

My hands clenched the letter tightly.

_I hate you so much right now._

The words in the letter tore at me, each one tearing a new gash in my already tattered heart.

_You didn't give me a choice in the matter._

I could hear the anger in her words as they echoed around my head. Her anger, my anger, all melded together. It pulled at me, dragging me to the floor. It was too much; too much for her and too much for me.

_I have to say goodbye to everyone that means anything to me in this life. _

I wanted to deny it. I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to unread the letter. I knew it was impossible though. I hadn't even considered the fact that human lives were filled with loss.

_Why couldn't you be there for me? _

I was never there for her. I didn't deserve to claim that I had ever loved her. My love was toxic and had eaten away at her over the years until she could take no more.

_I give up. _

They were the last words I ever wanted to hear from my Bella. My Bella was so strong and she shouldered so much to ensure that no-one else was burdened; but I had given her the ultimate burden and she wasn't able to survive it.

_Is he OK?_

It was Arabella's thoughts that reminded me of the presence of my visitors.

I had no recollection of anything around me when I had read the letter. I suddenly realised I was kneeling in the living room; Arabella and Jackson standing a few paces away from me.

"Is that _Nana's_ handwriting?" she asked.

I squeezed my eyes closed tightly as I heard Arabella ask the question.

I did everything I could to pack away the emotions that were coursing through my mind. I needed to help Jackson introduce Arabella into the world he existed in now. _Because of me. _

I stood, turned toward them and tucked the letter into the back pocket of my pants in one smooth motion. I didn't answer her question—what I would say next would render it meaningless.

"I think you need to sit down."

I couldn't deny that Jackson's transformation my fault. Whether it would have happened eventually I couldn't say, but the continued presence of my family over the years would certainly have contributed.

Arabella tilted her head to one side and looked to Jackson in question. He frowned deeply as he studied my actions.

"_Please_," I said. "I have a story to tell you, and you need to be sitting."

She nodded and slowly moved to sit on the couch she'd occupied earlier. Jackson sat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. I didn't like him being so close while I recounted my history, but I figured I could intervene if I needed to.

Part of me wanted to leave it up to Jackson to tell Arabella about the wolves—and consequently, the vampires—so that I didn't have to face any consequences, but I owed Bella my sacrifice. If I told Arabella, it would be my responsibility to face the Volturi if they found out that she knew.

Arabella watched me carefully, her brown eyes assessing me and it felt like she was looking through me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't admit how much I had failed Bella while staring into her doppelganger's eyes. I turned my back on those eyes and stared at the wall instead.

"I haven't been entirely honest with you, Arabella, and for that I apologise."

_What is he talking about?_ "What…" she trailed off.

Through his thoughts, I saw Jackson put his hand on her knee and Arabella cocked her head to the side in frustration._ Does Jackson know what this is all about too? Am I the only one in the dark here? _

I choked back the mouthful of venom that had pooled in response to my conflicting emotions.

"Edward isn't my Great Uncle." I stated.

_Huh? But you look so much alike; don't tell me that he was actually your grandfather. If Edward loved someone else, it doesn't change anything. _

"I _am_ Edward," I admitted finally.

_I don't understand, of course you're Edward, you told me you were. _

I turned and walked forward, kneeling down in front of her, the way a parent might when trying to explain something difficult to a child.

"I am _the_ Edward."

_What? _ She opened her mouth to talk, but no words came out.

"Remember the stories your nana told when you were young?" I asked.

Arabella nodded slowly, before looking toward Jackson briefly. _He doesn't look very surprised. Does he know something? _

"I need you to remember those stories," I said gently, reaching out slowly to offer her my hand.

_The stories…stories about so many things. _

"About the _monsters_," I prompted.

She shook her head. "Nana never told me stories about monsters. They weren't scary…they were…_almost_ _human_." The last two words were whispered. She reached her fingers out and brushed them along the back of my offered hand. _He's so cold. _

"They're true," I whispered, searching her eyes for understanding.

"They're _true?_" she asked, almost breathlessly. She looked a little paler than usual and her heart began to race. "But…but…but that means…"

"My name is Edward Cullen, I was born in 1901. I fell completely in love with your grandmother." I slid my hand into my pocket and pulled out the old folded, photograph of Bella and me. I unfolded it carefully, treating it delicately to ensure I didn't damage it in my distress.

Her eyes trailed down to the image I held out to her. I listened to her mind as she recognised the photo almost instantly.

I stayed still as I continued. "This was taken when I lived in Forks, just a few days before I left your nana. I left Bella."

_Why?_

"It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I did it because I couldn't continue to be with her. What I am put her in danger."

Arabella stood quickly and I shifted out of the way, to let her pass. I folded the photograph again and slid it back into my pocket.

She began to pace while her mind raced with possibilities. Her thoughts swung rapidly between acceptance and denial of both my words and the photo that I was using as proof.

Jackson remained where he was, giving her exactly what she needed. I was amazed at the depth of the love that came from imprinting; it was almost as if his intuition was now hardwired to her needs. He knew what she needed better than she did, but would never do anything against her will. It wasn't quite as strong as the love I felt toward Bella, but it meant he would never make the mistakes I had. He would never hurt Arabella the way _I_ had hurt Bella.

"I don't believe you," she said finally, turning to look at me fiercely. "You're making this up for some reason…why?"

I bowed my head. "I wish I was. If it wasn't for me, Bella would have lived a life free from the pain I caused her. She and your grandfather would probably have lived a long and happy life together."

Arabella squeezed her eyes shut tightly and shook her head. "No."

Jackson stood to hold her in his arms, arriving at her side just as she began to cry. He stroked her hair and murmured something in his native tongue.

"It's true isn't it?" she asked him softly.

"I'm afraid so," he mumbled back.

The two of them were so content taking comfort in each other's arms, I felt like I was intruding. It made me long for Bella more than ever.

"How do you know?" Arabella asked Jackson.

"Because _all _of the stories are true," he whispered. I heard him mentally imploring her to understand and to be OK with what he was now.

"I don't understand…"

He frowned. "It might be better if I show you."

"Are you sure that's advisable?" I interrupted. I knew what he planned to do, but I had no way of knowing what her reaction to it would be.

He nodded before kissing her forehead softly. He took a step back and clasped her hand gently to lead her from the room.

I followed Arabella and Jackson slowly, giving them a moment alone. I arrived outside just in time to see Jackson walk to the very edge of the forest and begin to shed his clothes.

_God, give me strength. How do I do this? How can I? Before it happened because…why did it happen? I was having an argument with Dad. What was that about again? It seems meaningless now after everything that's happened. _

I listened as he tried to determine how to make himself phase. I assumed from the information contained in Bella's letters that it was something to do with anger, but I knew I couldn't just _tell_ him to be angry. I realised that it probably needed to be an authentic emotion or it wouldn't work. I knew he'd eventually learn how to control it; at least I hoped he would. For the moment, I knew one thing that was certain to get him angry.

I stepped in front of Arabella, blocking her from his view and put myself far enough in front of her that I would be able to ensure nothing hurt her. I took another step closer to him before sinking into a crouch. I sneered at him, trying to picture Laurent, James or Victoria, any one of the vampires that had threatened Bella. A growl began deep in my chest, rumbling and rolling as it grew in volume. I knew he'd heard it and then, a moment later it was loud enough for Arabella to hear.

Jackson's instincts kicked into life and his body began to shimmer. I knew I was taking a massive risk: he could phase and leap for me at any moment, but I was more concerned for Arabella than for myself. I hoped she wouldn't want him to hurt me. I was relying on her to be forgiving and understanding like my Bella. I hoped that was enough to override Jackson's killer instincts and stop him actually attacking me.

I didn't care if I _died_ the final death. Without Bella in the world there was little for me to live for, but I didn't want Arabella to endure the horror of witnessing her boyfriend rip another sentient creature to pieces.

An almost silent crack split the air—so quiet that I doubted Arabella would have even heard it—and a moment later a giant, red and grey wolf stepped from the forest. I immediately tensed, listening intently to his thoughts, preparing myself for an attack.

I stepped backwards out of my crouch and put my hands up to indicate surrender.

The wolf tilted his head to the side and slowly Jackson's human thoughts began to overtake his natural instincts. I stepped to the side as soon as I realised he had control of himself.

The emotions and thoughts overtaking Arabella were palpable and painful. The logical part of her mind struggled desperately against the information overwhelming her, but a tiny part—the part that had been enraptured as Bella had lovingly recounted bedtime tales of wolf-men and vampires—voraciously accepted everything she was seeing.

She reached her hand out slowly, tentatively stretching her fingers toward the muzzle of the oncoming beast. It was almost as if she trusted the animal as instinctively as she trusted her boyfriend.

"J…Jackson?" she whispered shakily. "Is that you?"

He tipped his muzzle down to nod as he took another step and closed the final distance between them. Her palm came to rest just between his eyes and she allowed her fingers to caress his skin and drag through his fur. She spread her fingers wide across his muzzle and relished in the warmth of him against her fingertips.

_It really is him, isn't it? _

"It is," I murmured. "It's Jackson."

Her head whipped around to look at me, my voice reminding her of my presence.

"And you…you're really a…" she paused.

"Vampire." I finished for her.

Her fingers tightened reflexively in Jackson's fur as I said the word. He let loose a low whine, in response to the word not Arabella's actions, but she relaxed her fingers anyway.

_He can't really be a mind-reader like the vampire in the stories though, can he?_

I nodded. "Yes. I've been able to read the thoughts of every person I've ever met, except your Nana and your Grandfather."

_My grandfather? But he wasn't here when you were, was he?_

"No, he didn't live in Forks when I was here," I confirmed. "I just couldn't leave Bella completely alone though. I've visited a number of times over the years."

"She never said anything about Edward coming back to see her."

"She never knew I did." I turned my eyes away from the accusing stare Arabella was giving me. I couldn't face those eyes, those almost familiar eyes, looking at me that way.

"What happened?"

"It's a long story, but for the moment, I think there is someone else you need to talk to." I inclined my head toward the wolf that was nuzzling his head gently against her side.

"I'll just be inside," I murmured, turning my attention away from the pair once again.

I walked back into the living room, trying in vain to lock out the thoughts of love washing off the couple in seemingly never-ending waves. I was terrified of what heartache Bella's next letter would hold, but more terrified of not reading her thoughts. I gathered up all of her letters, putting those that I'd taken to the cemetery with the rest of the ones I'd already read in my bag. I was saddened as I held the remaining letters, there were so few left. Did she have so little left to tell me in the remaining years of her life? I looked at the date on her next letter, it was written a few short months after the hate-filled one that had almost crippled me. I hoped she wouldn't still be angry with me, I hope she understood that I hadn't wanted her to lose her family; I'd just not considered the fact that it would be inevitable.

~ 0 ~

_21__st__ June 2026_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm so sorry about my last letter. It was all true, but I shouldn't have said it in such a hateful way. _

_I just needed to say those things; I needed you to know. It was so hard to cope with Charlie's death on top of everything else I was going through at the time. The memories of you living in my dreams each night and those memories making me feel like I was betraying Blake; everything. Then Charlie had a heart attack and none of that seemed important. _

_I didn't have anyone there to comfort me like I wanted. Blake had the kids for the weekend when the phone call came that he was in the hospital. I fell to pieces. I still don't know how I managed to drive myself safely to the hospital; I was in a daze. As soon as Blake found out, he called and asked if there was anything he could do for me. I couldn't accept his offer of support beyond looking after our children; I didn't deserve anything more than that. His offer was a godsend. In the weeks after Charlie's death, I was barely able to look after myself, let alone three growing teenagers. _

_Shortly after my last letter though, Alice and Jasper arrived. I can't tell you how much they helped me. No-one else knew they were here, but I relied on them for almost everything for a short time. They even ensured I was fed. They reminded me that love and friendship is the most important thing in the world. Seeing again the special bond they held for one another hurt so much, but it reminded me that I had a bond with Blake. It was different to their bond, not as permanent and unchanging, but that was because _I _am different to them. I grow and I change, therefore so will my relationship with Blake. Alice helped me to see that._

_Alice also confirmed that what I'd suspected was true. She told me what it's been like for you, Edward, and I'm so sorry that you've had to endure so much over the years. I think about my own pain, and I don't think it's been anything compared to yours. Alice told me how you spent so many years away from everyone, even your family. I've suffered, but I did so with the support and love of family and friends around me. _

_I've had the escape of nights, of dreams and peaceful unconsciousness. I've had Blake to hold me and love me. I've had my children to love unconditionally. I've had distractions and love surrounding me all throughout my life and you've had nothing. No distractions, no new love, no happiness. _

_I know you only did what you thought was best for me. I wonder if you would do the same if given the opportunity again. I wonder if I would take it all back if I could. Knowing what I know now, and having experienced what I have, I don't know if I would. The depth of love I feel for my children is so great I don't think love for any man could surpass it. _

_I don't know if you made the right decision or not; I think it will be impossible to ever really know. I mean, what would have happened if you'd stayed? No-one can know for sure, even Alice's visions wouldn't have been able to show us everything. _

_Now that I know how you really feel, I know how much what I am going to write next will hurt you. I want you to know though; I need to write it._

_I need you to know that _I am happy_. Blake and I have decided to try again. We owe it to the kids and we owe it to ourselves. I still don't know if I deserve him, but I know what you have sacrificed so that I can be happy, so most of all, I owe it to you._

_We're going to start by dating again, taking it slow to ensure that we don't fall back into the same routines. Overall, it's been good. I've been trying to give him my whole heart this time. I don't want to take him for granted any more. I don't want to lose him. _

_Yours, _

_Bella. _

~ 0 ~


	19. Chapter 18: Life

**Chapter 18: Life**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

Bella knew.

She knew everything.

Alice had told her.

I wasn't sure how I felt. Knowing that for twenty years before Bella passed away, she knew how much I loved her. Yet, she hadn't hunted me down or asked Alice to pass on any messages.

I was beginning to realise Alice had kept much more hidden from me than I could have ever anticipated. It would have come as a bigger surprise to me if I hadn't spent so much time avoiding my family's thoughts. Even in recent years, they very rarely communicated with me non-verbally because I took so little notice; it was only when they knew they had my attention that they would even try.

I wondered what else Alice knew that she hadn't told me. I was relieved when I knew I would be able to demand more information when she arrived; now that I knew there _was_ information I was missing.

I closed my eyes and listened to Jackson and Arabella. There was nothing else I could do to help them. I had pushed aside my own pain to ensure their happiness.

I heard another _voice_ approaching, full of concern and anguish. Jacob was driving to the house.

I raced out to intercept him, in order to explain what had happened. He stopped the car as soon as he saw me standing in the trees that lined the drive.

"Edward, have you see Jackson?" he asked, even before he'd climbed out of the car.

I nodded. "He's here. He's in the back garden."

Jacob looked concerned.

"With Arabella." I added.

"Is he…" _Is he still a wolf? Please tell me he worked out how to phase back? How could he have though? There's so much to know, so much for him to learn, and there isn't anyone that can teach him the way Sam taught me. I know how long it took Sam to regain his human form. I can't lose my son for that long._

"He imprinted."

Jacob's eyes flicked to mine and I could see his hopes and fears written as clearly there as I could hear them in his thoughts.

I nodded, answering his unvoiced question, whether Arabella was Jackson's imprint.

"So…they're okay?" he asked, his voice laced with emotion.

"They're better than okay," I replied, feeling overwhelmed myself. Between the letters from Bella and the feelings flowing between Jackson and Arabella, it was fast becoming too much for me to handle. I felt like I wanted to close myself off and hide away from the world; I felt like I had in the days and weeks after leaving Bella. A seemingly unending emptiness existed within me.

"She knows _everything._" I stated.

I hoped he understood that by everything, I meant about me as well.

"Oh. Well, that's probably for the best."

I nodded my agreement. I hoped it meant at least one person would carry on Bella's story now that she was gone.

"It's a lot to deal with isn't it?" he asked.

"It really is," I agreed. "Arabella's taking it very well though."

"I meant for you." _Bella's death, and now this. Are you okay?_

"I will be."

He nodded, his thoughts telling me that he didn't believe me for one second.

"I might go and check on the kids," he said. _He really looks like he wants to be alone. I hope he knows that if he needs to talk, I'll listen as best as I can. Despite it all, I really do think he made the right choice…didn't he? _

I turned away, leaving him to get back into his car and continue driving toward the back of the house.

Even he now doubted my decision and I couldn't take his pity on top of my own. I headed into the house instead, desperate to read the next letter. Now that I knew Alice was holding so much back from me, I wanted to know what else Bella might reveal before Alice arrived. As I opened the next letter, I was saddened once again to see how few letters were left.

~ 0 ~

_11__th__ August 2033_

_Dear Edward,_

_Blake and I made it last for as long as we could, but we've finally admitted to ourselves that it just isn't working anymore. We've tried, God how we've tried, but between the kids leaving home one by one and the underlying issue of, well, _you_, it's just proved too difficult. Our parting has been very amicable and I know we'll always be in each other's lives, just not in the way we'd once hoped. _

_I know he'll always be there for me, just as I'll always be there for him, but I just can't do it anymore. I can't pretend that you aren't still in my heart. I've tried so many times, but I always fail when thoughts of you invade my dreams. _

_You should see my three little angels now. They are all moving on with their lives, and are busy with work and college. _

_Bailey has moved to New York City. My little boy is going to be on Broadway! He's already been cast in a revival of the old musical, Wicked. I'm so incredibly proud of him. _

_Rhys is getting married in just a few weeks. He's recently started with a law firm in Seattle and so he'll be settling there with his wife. I think they're planning on starting a family as quickly as possible. I honestly can't wait._

_My little Cari has just started college. I cried when she drove away. She is my last baby, and now she's grown up and doesn't need me anymore. _

_I guess that's the other reason why Blake and I have parted. He wants to move to either Seattle or New York to stay close to our boys rather than make them come all the way to Forks to see us, but I can't Edward. I can't give up this house, my life, or the memories of you which cling to every corner of this tiny town. _

_Blake's so set on the idea that he's already sold the shop. After I told him I couldn't leave with him, he said he would stay too, but I don't want him to do that. I know how badly he wants to see Bailey perform night after night or go over to Rhys' house for a cook out. I don't know where he's going to end up, I just know it isn't here with me. It isn't right for either of us any more. _

_He's given me half of the proceeds. I refused, but he told me he owed it to me. It is a tidy sum of money, and I guess I should be relieved because it will probably leave me with enough to get through the next few years without worrying, but I don't know if I really can accept it. I'll probably just keep working occasionally down at the diner and invest the money for the kids. _

_I know about now you'll probably be worrying about me, but don't. I'm used to being alone; in fact, I used to relish the quiet. It's been so many years since then, but I'm sure I'll learn to love it again. One day. _

_Forever yours, _

_Bella. _

~ 0 ~

I was, once again the cause of Bella's unhappiness. I wanted to erase it all, but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I had to pave the way for her family and their future.

~ 0 ~

_29__th__ June 2035_

_Dear Edward,_

_Guess what? I'm going to start studying again. Can you believe it? Especially at my age? _

_I was a little sceptical when Cari suggested it, but I have to admit, it's given me something to do rather than just prattling about this old house on my own. _

_I'm going to study literature. I'm actually quite excited about it, probably more so because it's by correspondence and I won't have to look like a silly old fool trying to keep up with the much younger generation. _

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I wanted to feel happy that Bella had something else in her life, but I was beyond feeling. I was beyond thought. Every emotion I'd experienced over the past few days was pressing in on me from all sides and I could barely move under the weight of it all.

~ 0 ~

_10__th__ February 2037_

_Dear Edward,_

_I've just found out I'm going to be a grandmother! I can't even begin to tell you how thrilled I am, but it's a little bittersweet. Rhys and Kate, his wife, have been trying to conceive ever since they married almost four years ago, but it's my little Cari who is pregnant. _

_It's difficult knowing that while one of my children is over the moon with joy, another is being shattered by the exact same news. I just wish all of my children's dreams would come true, that's all that I want from life now. _

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

_I'm taking Arabella home._ I heard Jacob's thoughts filtering in from outside.

I heard Arabella ask whether they should come in and say goodbye, and Jacob's reply that he thought I would rather be left alone. I don't know how he knew that, but I appreciated the quiet acknowledgement and acceptance of my pain in his mind. He even thought his phone number at me, just in case I needed to talk after they'd left. I was grateful for the offer, but knew I wouldn't need it.

In a little under twelve hours, Alice and Jasper would be in Forks. In under twenty-four hours, I hoped I would be able to carry out my initial plan, and my pain would finally end.

Arabella's thoughts gave me cause to reflect. _I can't even imagine what he's going through. I wonder what will become of him._

I silently wondered the same thing myself.

~ 0 ~

_23__rd__ June 2037_

_Dear Edward,_

_Cari came home to Forks today. Her relationship with her baby's father, Marco, is over. I had no idea he treated her so badly! It makes me so angry. I wish I could do more to make sure my baby never has to suffer cruelty again. I just hope that she looks to Blake, to the example he has set, and continues to set, and realises that there are decent men in the world. _

_I've told her that she's welcome to stay with me for as long as she likes and I think she's going to take me up on the offer. We're going to fix up the old room into a nursery again; it's been so many years since I've seen it decorated that way. _

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I was still pinned in place by overwhelming emotions. I was only able to move enough to unfold the next letter. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what had happened to her daughter, but I felt a slow rage building within me. I wondered whether I should ask Arabella if she knew anything about her father, but then realised I would be meddling in affairs long past and stirring up old and possibly bitter memories.

Heaven knows my own memories were hard enough to deal with.

~ 0 ~

_18__th__ July 2037_

_Dear Edward,_

_I found the loose floorboard today when I was moving things around for the new nursery. To be honest, I'd almost completely forgotten about it. Old emotions, which I've never really been able to completely shake, came bubbling to the surface. I can remember clearly how I felt the day that you left, and the day I found the gifts you placed under there. _

_Looking back now, I can't believe the depths of my depression or how angry I was. I haven't felt the same range of emotions for anyone else. Even Blake, whom I still love so much, has never elicited the same highs and lows. I think it's because ever since he came into my life, he's been constant. I've never had to question his feelings or worry about whether he'll be there for me. Even now, with everything that's happened between us, I know that he'll be there for me whenever I need him and I'm not afraid. _

_After rediscovering the hiding spot under the floor, I've realised that it's the perfect place to hide my letters to you. Over the years I've kept them hidden in a desk drawer, a shoe box, an old briefcase and a kitchen drawer. I think it's finally time they have a permanent home together. I actually think it's quite fitting; they will wait for you to discover them, just like my gifts waited for me. _

_I can't say whether I hope you find them or not, I have a separate part of me wishing for each outcome. If you do read them, just don't judge my decisions too harshly, please? I did the best I could._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

I didn't understand how she could even imagine I would possibly judge_ her_. I understood she could only do what she was able to with the heartbreak I left behind. I wondered again just how toxic my love had been that she felt such highs and lows. A part of me knew it was just evidence of how great our love had been, but whenever my thoughts began to wander in that direction even slightly, the emotions weighing on me became crushing, threatening to destroy my mind completely.

~ 0 ~

_23__rd__ August 2037_

_Dear Edward,_

_I have just witnessed one of the most profound things I think I will ever see. My granddaughter was born today. I can't even begin to describe the feeling. It's more overwhelming than when my own babies were born, because my Cari achieved something wonderful; she created a new life. _

_It saddens me to think that my mother never had the opportunity to experience this wealth of emotions. _

_I have some more wonderful news too. Rhys and Kate are expecting! I'm hoping that my children will provide me with many grandkids. Somehow, they make the suffering I've experienced over the years mean something. I think I finally get it now, and I finally appreciate the gift that you gave me by leaving._

_Forever yours,_

_Bella_

~ 0 ~

She appreciated the gift of me leaving, and I hated that I had. I didn't know how to reconcile the years of pain I knew she'd felt, to the happiness she exhibited in the letter. How lasting had her happiness been this time? Was she still happy seventeen short years later? Was she still happy just a few short weeks ago when her life ended?

I held the next letter and my mind threatened to close down completely. I recognised the date on the letter at exactly the same time that my mind registered the fact that it was the last one. I was about to read the final words Bella had written me, and judging by the date, possibly the last thing she had _ever_ written. I didn't know what had happened in the intervening seventeen years. I could only assume she was busy with her grandchildren, but one thing was clear, she had something to tell me at the end of her days.

I paused for a moment and said a silent prayer to help me proceed. Reading her final letter would be as hard as seeing her headstone; another final marker, mocking me with the end of her life.

~ 0 ~

_13__th__ September 2054_

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm just so tired all of the time. When little Arabella was born, I was so happy. I spent so much time doting on her. Cari was studying again, so I became almost a substitute mother. Then Rhys' little doll, Cleo, was born and I actually visited them in Seattle for a few days. _

_I saw Blake while I was there, and we rekindled everything for a while. It was good, even if it couldn't last forever; it came down to the same old argument in the end. He was tired of Forks and didn't want to move back, and I couldn't stay away. I knew he would have come back with me in a heartbeat, but I also knew he would never have been happy. I couldn't force someone to live a half-life or settling for second best. _

_I spend my days alternating between reminiscing about you, about what we had, and dreaming of what comes next. People tell me that I'm not that old, and that I should be out celebrating the years remaining in my life. Instead, I just want to collapse onto my bed and never clamber out again. _

_I've got no one to look after anymore. Cari has been staying here to look after me from time to time, even though I've told her so many times I don't need her to take care of me. I've explained it often enough. I'm capable of doing everything myself; I just don't feel like it sometimes._

_Whenever I'm alone, I've taken to reading my favourite classics and anything written by my favourite authors. By reading, I mean actual books, not those electo-readers' rubbish they have now. It's all changed so much, you know. It's actually really hard to come by books anymore and I personally think that's really sad. There's something about the smell of the paper and the way they are bound which just helps me relax into the story. _

_I've found myself reading a lot more Shakespeare lately. I always thought of you and me as Romeo and Juliet. We really were star-crossed lovers, destined to be pulled apart. I've often wondered what could have been, if only things could have been different. If only there had been another path we could have found, I would have taken it gladly with you. _

_I have to admit though that I've found myself identifying with Juliet less and less. Instead, Hamlet has become a greater source of inspiration for me. There is one part in particular which I have read and re-read so many times. Hamlet's soliloquy. _

_I find the passage both terrifying and comforting. I can't tell you the number of times I've found myself reading it, especially since yesterday. Well, ever since I found out what was going to happen to me today. _

_I realise that you don't know what I'm talking about, and for that I am so sorry. It's hard to explain everything. Alice called me and told me what today would bring. She told me how to avoid it, and what I needed to do to ensure it wouldn't happen. I couldn't bring myself to do it though. I'm _so_ tired, Edward, so very tired. I don't want to fight anymore. _

_Don't worry about me though, because I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid of what it will mean for me, or what will happen to me. At this point in my life, I'm more afraid of _not_ dying. I'm terrified of a prolonged life with nothing left to live for. I'm waiting for the peace of mind that the next life might offer me. _

_I worry what you will do when my time finally comes. I don't want you to end your life. I am truly, truly selfish in asking this after what I've just revealed. But I can't imagine a world without you in it. I would ask you to continue your life, even while I am terrified of doing it myself. I would beg you not to end your life for my sake. I would ask you to stay brave, stay true, and wait until something comes along for you, because Alice has said she sees something else in your future. _

_I don't know if it's true, I don't know if it's even possible, but what she told me after she knew I wouldn't seek help gives me hope. It makes me see everything that's happened in my life so differently. I almost wish I had known earlier, maybe it would have changed things. But then again, maybe it wouldn't have. I guess I'll never really know. Just please promise me that when the time comes, you won't give up on me. _

_I hope you will eventually understand why I have taken this path, why it is easier to accept the fate that awaits me today rather than fight to the bitter end. _

_Also know that I will be waiting for you, until the end of eternity if that's how long it takes._

_I love you with all of my heart Edward. I lived my life for you. I lived it as well as I could. I just hope it was enough._

_Forever yours, _

_Bella _

_P.S. Tell Alice I said 'Thank you'. She was always the friend I needed whenever I most needed one. She knows what needs to happen next. I beg you, please trust her. Have faith. I know I do._

~ 0 ~

I recalled the passage from Hamlet that she had referred to.

_To be, or not to be: that is the question:  
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer  
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,  
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;  
No more; and by a sleep to say we end  
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks  
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation  
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;  
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;  
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come  
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,  
Must give us pause: there's the respect  
That makes calamity of so long life;  
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,  
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,  
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,  
The insolence of office and the spurns  
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,  
When he himself might his quietus make  
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,  
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,  
But that the dread of something after death,  
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn  
No traveller returns, puzzles the will  
And makes us rather bear those ills we have  
Than fly to others that we know not of?  
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all_

I recited the lines over and over in my mind until the meaning was crystal clear, and then continued until they became meaningless again. I turned my attention instead to her letter, re-reading and memorising every word.

I had no idea what she meant in her cryptic statements, but one thing was very evident. She had known her time was coming. She had known she was going to die.

And so had Alice.

Had I known of Bella's impending death, I would have come running to say my farewell in person. No matter how far away I was, I would have been there for her. I would have made her fight for a longer life; I would have explored every option available just so that she would have had one more day, one more week.

I couldn't help but feel cheated; my own sister had cheated me out of the opportunity to say goodbye and do everything I could to help Bella.

I put the letter beside me and wrung my hands together, twisting and flexing until it was almost painful.

I could barely wait for Alice's arrival.

_She has so many questions to answer._

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- If you aren't familiar with the Hamlet quote above, go check out this video: http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=xYZHb2xo0OI David Tennant does Hamlet in his delicious accent. I could seriously watch this again & again & again & …. Well you get the point **

**As always, I love knowing what you think…I may even like it even more than I like David Tennant, but that IS a close one ;) **


	20. Chapter 19: Future

**Chapter 19: Future**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

I hadn't moved an inch from the moment I read the last letter from Bella. I had picked it up and re-read it numerous times, but each time I had placed it beside me again and sat completely still.

Hours past in the same fashion.

Night fell and eventually the fingers of dawn began to rise from the horizon.

I heard Alice's and Jasper's minds not long after they drove passed the 'Welcome to Forks' sign. I was paying such great attention, stretching my mind to its limits because of my desire to know more about what Alice had kept hidden. I heard them much earlier than I would have years ago.

_We'll be there soon, Edward. _

Alice thought at me when she knew I could hear her. I didn't know how she knew, but I was grateful that she did, because her thoughts were comforting.

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you weren't ready to hear it. I tried to, but you just wouldn't listen. _

I watched as flashes of Bella over the years ran through Alice's mind and I knew one thing, the letters Bella had written completely undersold just how much Alice was involved in her life. In the minutes that ticked away while I waited for their arrival, I saw years of Bella's life in Alice's mind, flicking past like the pages of a book.

I felt Alice's joy as she watched Bella and Jasper hug, after Bella had told him she bore him no blame.

I watched as Bella handed Alice a tiny baby, while two other children ran around their feet.

I saw Alice stoking Bella's hair gently as Bella lay across her lap, sobbing heavily.

I witnessed Alice being there for Bella in ways I had never dreamed, and I felt a stirring of peace that at least Bella hadn't been alone. She had her family, she had Blake and she had Alice.

As I watched the progression of Bella's life in Alice's memory, I realised that almost every extended shopping trip or vacation that Alice and Jasper had taken was an excuse to visit Bella. I was ashamed to realise that if I hadn't been so absorbed in my own pain, I might have known more about Bella's life.

Alice showed me a more recent memory, telling me it was from a little over a year ago. I remembered the trip, she and Jasper had said they were going to Italy, and while they had, they'd detoured to Forks first.

~ 0 ~

"_Alice, it's so good to see you again," Bella smiled before wrapping Alice in her arms. Her hair was still long, but now it was silver rather than brown. Age and sorrow had deepened the brown of her eyes, turning them almost black. Her skin, once alabaster and almost shining with youthful radiance, was now sallow and lined. Despite the changes, I could still see the Bella I had fallen in love with shining through; good and pure to the very core. She lifted her eyes a moment later to see Jasper grinning from the car. "You too, Jas." _

_He gave her a small salute in response. _

"_How are you?" Alice asked. I gathered from her tone that she already knew the answer to the question. _

"_You know better than I do," Bella said, her eyes sad. _

"_I wish you'd go back to the doctor."_

_Bella shrugged. "He's just going to say what he always says, Alice." _

"_I just don't understand why you resist treatment." _

"_You can't mend a broken heart." _

_Alice growled softly in frustration. "You have a heart condition, Bella, it _is_ treatable. I've seen it! I know there is a surgery you can have, it will prolong your life." _

_Bella just waved her off. "I have better things to do with my remaining time. I have grandchildren to write to."_

"_It's been sixteen years since you were diagnosed," Alice said sadly. "It will catch up with you eventually." _

"_And when it does, I'll be ready." _

"_Are you sure you don't want me to tell Edward?" _

_Bella flinched infinitesimally when Alice said my name. _

"_Has your vision changed?" _

_Alice shook her head. _

"_Then I'm sure. I don't want that any more. I mean, just look at me." _

"_You're still beautiful to me, Bella. And I know you'll be just as beautiful to him."_

_Tears welled in Bella's eyes. "I know, but I can't. I mean, how could we ever be together? Anywhere we went, scandal would follow. Your family doesn't need that." _

"_You would change…" Alice started. _

"_Not my age. I would still be this old. My muscles might not be as weak, and my hearing and eyesight would be better, but my hair would still be silver and I would still be so much older than him. I've done what he wanted me to; I've lived my life. I'm ready for what comes next." _

_Alice's eyebrows knitted together in concern. "I love you, Bella."_

"_I love you too, Alice. You're my sister, and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done." _

_They embraced again, when they broke apart, Bella was smiling but the tears still shone in her eyes. "Now, let's get onto the real reason you visited." She winked at Alice. "I've got a whole new batch of pictures." _

~ 0 ~

Alice's memory had held me pinned to my seat until she and Jasper had arrived. She took one glance at me before dashing across the room, sitting next to me and wrapping her arms around me tightly. I clung to her tiny arm like a life preserver. Jasper stood slightly to one side and sent out calming waves, trying in vain to make me less despondent.

"She was dying," I stated. "That's why she stopped writing me letters."

_It was chronic heart failure. It started off as a little shortness of breath and feeling a little fatigued, but it just got worse over the years. She knew if she wrote down what was happening, it would make it real. She wanted to tell you, but couldn't._

"Why couldn't you tell me? Why didn't she want me to know?" I asked.

Alice's response was to show me the vision she'd had every time she'd planned on telling me.

I was by Bella's side, pleading silently with her. I bit desperately into Bella's wrist and throat to inject my venom to change her. Then Bella as a lovely vampire, her vermillion eyes shining brightly. The beautiful vampire sobbing tearlessly, her grey hair falling limply in waves across her face; a field of tombstones before her, each one bearing the name of her progeny.

_She knew you would want to change her if you knew she was dying. When faced with her death, you couldn't cope. You wouldn't take no for an answer. She knew the struggles you would face—the world wouldn't accept your relationship. I didn't have a single vision of you going back to her that didn't end with her being _changed._ She didn't want that._

"We could have found a way," I lamented. "We could have made it work." Just thinking about having Bella by my side, alive and unharmed, permanent and unbreakable, made my heart want to sing.

"She didn't want that," Alice repeated out loud.

I nodded because I understood. As hard as it was for me to deal with her death, it would have been exponentially harder for her to deal with the death of all her children, of her grandchildren. Each generation she would see more of her descendants live, grow and eventually die. As much as it pained me, I understood her choice.

"I don't understand why you couldn't tell me when it was going to happen…so that I could have said goodbye."

"I told you, Edward. You couldn't _just_ say goodbye. You would've tried to convince her, and she wouldn't have been able to say no to you. It was Bella's wish, and I owed her. I left her without even saying goodbye the one time that she needed me the most."

I closed my eyes as the implication of Alice's words and thoughts hit me.

Alice relaxed her hold on me and placed one hand on my knee. "In the end, this is what she wanted."

I nodded. The reality of the situation was clear. Bella died of a broken heart.

I was the only one who could be blamed. Bella wouldn't have refused if I'd offered to change her before she'd had children. I knew, because each time I had considered changing her when we were still together, I'd seen Alice's vision of Bella as a beautiful vampire and a permanent part of our family.

I wanted to find a way to follow her, but the words of her final letter ate away at my mind.

_I would beg you not to end your life for my sake. I would ask you to stay brave, stay true, and wait until something comes along for you, because Alice has said she sees something else in your future._

I turned to Alice. "What did you see in my future?"

Alice offered me a small smile and showed me a vision. "It cuts in and out. There's something interrupting it. There is one part that I am sure of."

I felt my jaw tighten as I watched myself talking in a vision. I was talking to an empty space in what appeared to be a cave. I couldn't believe the words that I was saying, they sounded too crazy to be true, but Bella told me to have faith. _Had Alice told her of this vision?_

"Could it possibly be true?" I asked.

_I don't know, but I think it's time we talked to Blake_. Alice thought and I nodded in agreement.

~ 0 ~

I recognised the area as soon as Alice thought it. I grabbed my jacket straight away. It didn't feel right to go back to Bella's resting place without getting dressed back into more formal attire.

I hadn't even considered asking to drive, but Jasper looked a little taken aback when Alice threw him the key. I couldn't remember a time he'd ever been allowed to drive when I was in the car. I didn't think I would be able to drive back to our destination; just thinking about seeing the headstone again was almost enough to freeze my body into unmovable stone.

I wanted to question Alice to find out how much she knew or believed about her vision, but I knew her well enough to know she didn't question the future she saw; at least not once she had all the facts.

We eventually arrived back at Forks cemetery and I saw a single figure folded over onto their knees in front of Bella's grave. I listened in a vain attempt to hear their thoughts and knew it was the only person besides Bella who had ever been able to evade my talent.

Alice took the lead as we climbed from the rental car. I had no idea what she wanted to say to the man who had temporarily held Bella together. Despite my earlier desires to see him, I didn't know if I had words to share with him anymore.

Alice gave him a small smile as we approached. He nodded slightly to indicate that he was aware of our approach.

We stood side by side with him for a few moments of respectful silence. Eventually, Alice turned to him and introduced herself. I barely paid attention to what she said, or what his answers were in reply. There was nothing I could offer to the conversation because my eyes were drawn to the words written on the stone again, before dropping to see a new bouquet of forget-me-nots, peppered with baby's breath. I didn't even realise I was frowning down at the addition until Alice shouted my name in her thoughts and pulled me from my own.

"You really loved her didn't you?" I asked, somewhat rudely—as remarked by Alice.

Blake followed my eye and nodded. "I loved her with all of my heart, I did from the first moment I was blessed enough to call her my own. I just wish she had allowed me to love her more."

"But you left." I stated.

I couldn't help the fact that it blurted out. Before I had time to worry that my insider knowledge would raise questions he answered me.

"I gave her space when she needed it. I was there for her every time she needed me. I could never say no to that wonderful, stubborn, beautiful woman." Tears were running down his face by the time he finished talking. He didn't rush to hide them. I was moved to complete stillness watching the old man grieve his lost love. I knew in that moment that he loved her almost as deeply as I did.

He raised his head at the same time as I raised mine; our eyes met. A moment passed when I could see every feeling he had for Bella laid bare. His eyes searched mine and his expression mirrored my own. I could see the self-hatred and desperate yearning for Bella that I felt echoed in the depths of his eyes. It was almost as if he knew every emotion I had because he felt them too. Minutes stretched on for hours.

_It _is_ true. _Alice's thoughts broke through the silence_._ My eyes instinctively flicked to her for only a moment, but it was enough to break the connection that had momentarily seemed to exist between Blake and I.

"I never gave up on our love," he murmured finally, looking back toward the headstone.

_I wish I hadn't. _I thought in response.

~ 0 ~

Alice had talked with Blake for at least another hour, telling him that she thought he was always destined to love Bella and to not give up hope that they would be reunited.

I felt my stomach twist at the thought of her waiting for him in the afterlife, but I couldn't tell whether it was from dread or anticipation.

_What if it really was true?_

I decided it didn't matter. Whether Alice's vision was true or not made little difference in the short term. All that mattered was whether or not I would listen to Bella's final request.

I thought about how easy it would be to end my suffering. I was certain I could elicit a fatal reaction from Jackson easily enough, or I could anger the Volturi and have them end my life and free me from the pain. Yet, I knew doing either of those things would be against Bella's wishes.

After failing her so often in her life, I refused to fail her now in death. Instead, I decided to watch over the family that she had sacrificed an eternal life for. It was a contribution I would willingly offer, and one I knew she would be loath to refuse.

Alice hugged me tightly before I'd had the chance to announce my decision.

"Our family will never be the same again," she whispered into my ear as she held me tightly.

"I'll return one day," I murmured.

_I wish that was true._

"So do I."

~ 0 ~

Alice and Jasper left almost immediately after we arrived back at the old family home. Alice knew it was pointless trying to convince me to take another path. They had waited only long enough for me to scribble out a short farewell to each of my family members.

After they had gone, I emptied everything out of the bag I had bought with me and repacked only the most hard-wearing clothes I had. I left my cell phone on a shelf in my room; knowing I wouldn't need to speak to anyone in my family again. I would become nothing more than a memory. I felt terrible leaving them so suddenly and without proper goodbyes, but my course was set.

I slid all of the letters Bella had written me into another bag I'd found amongst the clothes in storage. I had a destination in mind for them; one that would ensure our story would live on in history forever. I hoped that in doing so, it would show the wolves that my kind were not all heartless bloodsuckers. I knew they would see my sacrifice as a positive, even if I no longer could.

I left Bella's letters very near to where I had found them. Instead of hiding them under the floorboards, they were housed in one of Alice's handbags to await their next owner. Of Bella's descendant's, I knew Arabella was the one who could be handle the truth.

~ 0 ~

I watched as the young boy did a flip on the monkey bars. I pinned myself to the tree, reminding myself that even if he fell, he would not be harmed. I saw his sister run to him and tag him as 'it', before running off just as swiftly. The boy deftly swung himself back around so that he was upright before swinging his legs and launching off the metal frame to chase her.

_They don't know that I'm here. They never will. _

_They don't know who I am. They never will._

But _she_ does.

Occasionally, when the wind is whistling through the trees, I can hear her voice calling to me. One day, I will find a way to get back to her. Until then, I would fulfil my promise to myself.

I would watch over every last relative in her bloodline.

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- Wow that really sounds like the end…doesn't it ;) **

**Well, it's not…not just yet. **

**Thank you all for supporting this fic & for the retweet, reviews etc. I have appreciated every single one of them. **

**The good news for all my lovely readers is that I have written right to the end of this fic now & have them all back from my beta…so I will be posting them relatively quickly. I better not say anymore though or else I might spoiler a few things ;) **


	21. Chapter 20: Past

**Chapter 20: Past**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

It had been many years since I had decided to watch over Bella's family. With each passing generation, I felt a lessoning of my burden as her descendants continued to procreate and flourish across the globe.

I had watched as technology and the world climbed to dizzying heights before crashing back down and altering civilization. I saw many changes and yet, just as many things stayed the same.

When I felt my responsibility had been met, I went in search of peace. I knew there was still an easy option for me if I wanted to take it. I could easily travel to Italy, to the Volturi stronghold and beg for them to finish me off.

I knew that wasn't my destiny though. Each time I even considered it, the words in Bella's final letter came back to haunt me.

Instead, I headed across the continent, wandering aimlessly in search of answers and the respite that Alice had promised I would eventually find.

During my search, I encountered things that made my heart ache anew. In South America, I heard rumours from the nomads I encountered. The area was known for vampires who appeared human; they retained their human eye colour and could walk in broad daylight with almost undetectable refraction from their skin. It was never my intention to discover new mysteries, only to find the path that would put my mind at rest—that would somehow, in some way, reunite me with Bella—and instead I found madness.

I wanted to disregard the rumours, but then the whisperings began to speak of a vampire named Joham who didn't kill his victims, but mated with them instead. His frequent trysts with humans, and the fact that many of the humans survived, were a local legend. There was even mention of human-vampire babies born out the unions.

I became crazed, obsessed.

_I had thrown away everything with Bella for nothing? _It was a question I asked myself time and time again.

I followed leads relentlessly until eventually I found an immortal called Nahuel.

It was a discovery that tore at my sanity because he had a human heartbeat, he was warm and appeared human and yet…he was older than I was. He was a hybrid vampire who proved that it would have been possible to have _everything_ I wanted with Bella, everything and more.

My sanity plummeted rapidly as the potential for the life I could have had with Bella danced maddeningly through my thoughts. If only I had known. If only…

After learning about the possibilities that had lain before us, if I hadn't been so stubborn, I ran. I ran from…everything. I couldn't risk going to Isle Esme anymore. I had turned my back on my family and therefore I couldn't return to the one place I had found sanctuary. Instead, I ran inland. I ran toward the Amazon Rainforest, the tiny sliver that remained of what had once been a wide and proud jungle, majestically twisting across the continent.

However, I couldn't run from the thing I most desperately wanted to; myself and my choices.

I edged through the forest slowly, hunting only when I absolutely needed to and living alone with the memory of my beloved. I knew my mind had completely snapped when I stumbled across a young woman; a solitary human living deep in the jungle of the Amazon.

What convinced me that I was insane more than anything else was the fact that she was almost identical to Bella, even down to her silent mind. There were some superficial differences; where Bella had been pale with brown hair and eyes, the young woman's skin was a warm red-brown and her black eyes were far too old for her features. Her hair was jet black, hacked with a knife to rest jaggedly against her scalp.

She smiled widely at me, and beckoned me forward. I creased my brow and slowly followed the woman adorned in nothing more than a pair of cut-off shorts and a dirty, once-white tank. She hid behind a tree and I realised she was undressing. I averted my eyes and then, in less time than it took me to blink, a tearing sound filled the air and she was replaced by a giant, chocolate-brown wolf. The wolf bowed its head and whined once before flicking her muzzle to the side to indicate for me to follow her.

I stepped forward impulsively to follow the wolf. If I'd stopped to question what I was doing, or why, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I just felt the compulsion. Somehow, I knew she had something to offer me; some type of peace.

So many things about her reminded me of Bella, and not just the outward human appearance. Despite the fact that as a human she had black hair, as a wolf her fur was the precise shade that Bella's hair had once been. Staring at her face in the seconds before she had hidden behind the tree, her top lip had been ever so slightly off-balance, just as Bella's had been.

The large wolf led me silently through the thicket until we reached a cave. She pushed aside a door of twisted vines with her muzzle and gave another low whine. Even without the benefit of hearing her thoughts, I knew what she wanted. I stepped inside to see a small fire burning.

I was surprised to find I didn't feel…anything. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't thirsty. I just…_was_. Even the crushing agony that I'd lived with since leaving Bella dissolved as I passed through the mouth and into the cave beyond.

The wolf had phased back into the young woman. She stepped into the cave dressed in her human attire. She motioned for me to sit. I walked a little deeper into the cave and sat cross-legged on the ground. I breathed deeply—painlessly—for the first time in what felt like forever.

Wordlessly, she sat across from me.

"Who are you?" I asked.

She pressed her finger to her lips and threw something into the fire. It flamed blue briefly before dying back down to embers and sending thick smoke pluming through the small space. I breathed deeply again and everything grew clearer. The scent of the smoke began to take on the aroma of freesias. Through the smoke, I saw the girl step back out through the entrance.

I closed my eyes briefly and when I opened them again, Bella was sitting in the place vacated by the young woman. I knew it was a trick of the mind and that I shouldn't trust it, but I still didn't feel fear or panic. Instead, I found my mouth curl up slightly at the sight and _smell_ of my beloved. It wasn't just a vision, the Bella before me was real. She was flesh, bone, and blood; delicious, sweet-smelling blood. Even if Alice hadn't seen her in the vision, I knew Bella was right in front of me. It wasn't quite the Bella that I had left, but neither was she the tired, older woman from Alice's last memory. Rather, she was an amalgam of everything that is and was Bella; the very essence of her being.

"I know what you want," she said with a wry smile.

I was so surprised seeing her right there, right in front of me that I blinked repeatedly as venom secreted in my mouth, a natural response to her wondrous scent. In all the years I had roamed the earth since her passing, I had found nothing that even came close to the appeal of her fragrance.

"I want you," I breathed out.

She smiled more brightly than I would have ever thought possible. It was a sight I didn't think I would ever see again.

"I should never have left you," I said.

Her smile twisted into a frown. "But you _did _leave me."

I cast my eyes downward. I wanted to reach across the small space between us and touch her to see if she was real, but I couldn't risk it. _What if this is just another delusion?_ _What if my mind has finally snapped completely_?

I wasn't sure what to trust ever since the pain—the one that had overtaken me for so long that I had almost forgotten what it felt like not to be in agony—had lifted.

"I would do anything to change that, to get another chance at a life with you. To get an opportunity just to be near you again."

"You always thought you were soulless," she murmured, changing demeanour. She threw something into the fire between us and it raged green. A mountain lion formed in the smoke that swirled from it.

I nodded, transfixed by the perfect form of the big cat as it twisted and jumped, hunting for an unknown prey.

"You aren't," she smiled brightly again. Her words bought back the memory of her eighteenth birthday party and the events that happened after it. "But your soul _is_ trapped. The venom binds it to your body. It's unable to leave and move on. Even if you do die, your soul will remain trapped in the ashes while your body endlessly tries to repair itself.

"There is no peace in the end for your kind. There is only living; endless living."

I should have been horrified by her words, but instead I was transfixed by the smoke cougar. I watched with fascination as she extended her hand out to the beast, which strode over and began its dance anew on her fingertips.

"Because of that, you and I can never be reunited."

I nodded, numb to the pain that I should have felt over her revelation.

"Unless…" she murmured.

My eyes snapped to hers. "Unless what?"

"What would you give up to be together?"

"Everything," I said without hesitation.

"Your future?"

I nodded.

"Your past?"

I nodded again. "Everything, _anything_," I whispered fervently.

"Me?"

I frowned. "No, I could never give you up. Never again."

"What if you had the chance to heal me? To give me everything I need? To love me completely? Would you give _me_ up to have it?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't understand…"

I opened my eyes to see her nod with sadness.

"I couldn't give you up, Bella. If I ever had another opportunity to be with you, I could never leave you. Not unless you sent me away."

She beamed. My answer obviously communicated something she needed to know. "I think you're ready."

"Ready for what?" I asked.

"If you're willing to give everything away, _she _can help you find your way back to me."

Somehow, I just knew she was talking about the young she-wolf who was already playing with my mind by showing me Bella.

"Why would she help me? Help…us?"

"She's a healer, but she has her own reasons for doing this."

"What are they?" I asked.

Bella shook her head and smiled.

"What will happen?"

"Your soul will be released," she said.

"So I will die?" I asked plainly, the thought didn't scare me nearly as much as forever without her.

"Eventually," she shrugged. "Everyone who lives has to die at some point."

"But my soul…it will find you?" A bubble of hope grew within me.

"Your soul will be released, but it cannot move on until it has lived and died again."

I frowned at her, not understanding what she meant.

"You will be reborn into a life that is intertwined with my own."

"In the past?" I wondered whether it was even possible.

She didn't confirm it, just watched the smoke creature moving fluidly on her hand. As I stared openly at it, the smoke seemed to cycle back into itself and the animal grew.

"I will get to love you again?" I asked.

She smiled.

"I can undo the damage I did when I left you?"

"You won't change the past. You can only live it. If you wish."

"Will I remember you?"

She shook her head slowly. "No, and I won't know you either. But I understand now."

"What do you mean?"

"One day, you will understand too."

Her eyes shifted back to the cougar dancing over the back of her hand. She twisted her arm again and the beast came to rest on her palm. She held her hand out to present it to me.

"This is your animal spirit, your soul guide," she said.

I stretched my hand across the fire, daring to close some of the distance between us. The cougar snarled and leapt toward me, pouncing weightlessly onto my hand. My palm felt warm where the animal rested. The smoke shimmered and glowed a deep golden colour momentarily.

"She can help you. She can guide you back to me."

I looked past the animal to Bella's face. It seemed like she was fading away. Her features were fuzzy like watching a ghosted face on a poorly tuned TV.

"Please, don't go," I whispered as she became hazier. The cougar was growing larger on my palm, increasing in size and warmth. It stalked over my arm and growled deeply as it neared my shoulder.

"It's your choice," Bella said as her image dissipated completely. "If you want to be reunited, you just need to have faith."

I nodded. I would trust Bella to the end of the world—or at least until the end of _me_.

The cougar, now the size of a household cat, sat on my shoulder and snarled.

"Please," I begged. "Please take me to her."

The cougar snarled once more before leaping toward my face and I was struck by a cloud of ash which clawed at my nose and mouth relentlessly. I shook my head, trying to clear away the discomfort the ash caused me.

The smoke in the room thickened. I heard footsteps nearby and looked up to see the she-wolf standing over me smiling. The sweetness of the scent increased as the smoke turned purple and began to invade all of my senses. I choked on it. The smell grew putridly sweet, the scent of venom burning. My body began to convulse as the smoke crept into my mouth and throat. All around me, darkness closed in. My hearing was muffled. All of the pain that had been lifted away suddenly struck me and I cried out in agony. My body went from ice-cold to raging fire in seconds and back again. I was in agony. The hurt running through my body was even more extreme than the pain of my transformation.

I screamed out again. Physical agony ravaged my body and I clawed at my skin to pull it away, trying to ease the ache. My fingernail scraped against my arms, ripping and tearing away great chunks.

Moments that might have been days passed with the same agonising intensity. I couldn't focus enough to comprehend the passage of time. I was still without all of my senses, except for the cloying, thick scent of the fire that seemed to be within me and all around me simultaneously.

I knew I was dying.

I could only hope Bella was right.

Warm palms came to rest on my arms. I stilled my movements instantly, worried that my thrashing would hurt the woman; the she-wolf who promised me Bella. All I had to give up was everything. It was an easy choice.

"Relax, Edward," a soft voice whispered and yet the sound penetrated the complete wall of silence around me. "You will be free soon enough."

"Who are you?" I managed to push out through teeth clenched together in agony. I wondered whether I should have trusted her.

"I am Isabella Black."

I struggled desperately to remain conscious as her words filtered down into my subconscious. I felt the darkness marching on. Sleep; it was something I had craved for so long, except this would be an eternal sleep. The words that Bella had clung to at the end of her life came back to me.

_To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub; for in that sleep of death what dreams may come._

I fought with great effort to remain lucid enough to listen to the woman as she continued to speak.

"I am the daughter of Jackson and Arabella Black. They told me your story; they showed me your letters. I have searched endlessly for a way to reunite you; my family owes you that. Without your sacrifice, my father might not have been around when a clan of vampires tried to wipe out our tribe. Without your loss, my mother would never have known my Aunty Alice who ensured we had vampires fighting alongside us. You have given up so much for us; I wanted to do this for you."

Her voice faded in and out, but I concentrated hard on her voice and I was able to guess at the words I couldn't hear. I tried to form words to ask questions, but each time I did, the torture my body was enduring stole my voice.

"Over the past century, I have kept phasing until I could help you. I've studied every religion and magical practice there is in the world. I have learned the art of soul flights. I have studied herbs and now know the way to release your soul and cast it back through time to be reborn.

"Once it is free, I will destroy your body and then we can both find peace."

Her voice faded away one final time, and then it was gone. Her hands were gone. _Everything_ was gone. The last thing I heard was the tearing sound that I knew preceded a transformation from human to wolf.

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this...but I couldn't. **

**The next (and last) chap will be up about this time tomorrow.**

**I would love to hear your theories about this revelation...**


	22. Chapter 21: Blake

**Chapter 21: Blake**

_A/N: I own nothing – I have a house, but the bank actually owns it. Characters are all Stephenie Meyers' creations really. I just enjoy torturing them occasionally. Thanks must go to my ever-supportive (especially in a crisis) fic-wifeys (Gabbysway2 & CorrinaTFF). _

_And big thank you smooches to BoydBlog for her mad skillz_

~ 0 ~

**Blake Micheals**

I understood everything.

I understood why Bella had always been so broken. I realised why she could never allow herself to love me wholly and without fear. I knew now that she was always afraid of being hurt. No matter what I did, she would always think I had one hand on the door. Fight or flight.

I watched as my family gathered around my bedside to say their goodbyes. Everyone suspected it was my time to go, but no one knew it as clearly as I did. My death was a long time coming. It had been twelve months since my Bella had passed, and even longer since she had left me. It caused my death; her pain, my pain and our inability to find common ground. It had eaten away at me like cancer, and had become terminal on her passing.

Death would be a release for me.

It's strange, in the final moments of your life, everything becomes crystal clear. It was in those final few minutes, I knew without a doubt my human life was ending, that everything fell into place. My soul was moving on.

I knew why Bella had placed that final call to me the morning of her death. She had known her time was coming and she had learned the truth. I could still recall the way her voice faltered down as she whispered that she loved me, and that she had _always_ loved me. She asked me to come back to Forks, she told me she needed to tell me something. I hadn't understood her motivation to call me at the time; yet I'd rushed to Forks as quickly as I could. I could still recall every word of the phone call with perfect clarity.

~ 0 ~

_My PDA vibrated and the ring tone announced that it was Bella calling. I took the call immediately; I could never leave Bella waiting. _

_It was only a few days ago that she told me she'd legally signed the deed of her house over to Carianne as a gift. It wasn't a huge surprise, she'd indicated for a while that she wanted to do it as a thank you to Cari for putting up with her. I tried to explain countless times that I knew Cari didn't feel that way, none of us did, and yet Bella always thought she was burdening us somehow. _

"_Hi." Bella's voice was frail and timid. Her tone disconcerted me. It had been a long time since I'd heard that timid tone, the last time she'd asked me for a separation in fact. I tried to push the pain of the memory out of my head. _

"_What is it?" I hadn't meant to sound so rude or abrupt, but worry had seized me and turned the blood in my veins cold. _

"_I just need to talk to you," she murmured. "I don't suppose you could come to Forks?" _

"_Sure." I didn't even have to think about it. I was always willing to run to Bella whenever she called. The only reason I didn't live with her was because she didn't want me to any more. _

"_I think I'll be able to get there next weekend," I said._

"_No. Can you come today?" Her voice was almost a quiet whisper. "I need you now." _

"_Bella, what is it?" I was more than a little anxious now. _

"_I need to see you. I need to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I should've realised." _

"_You should have realised what? Please what is it?" _

"_I love you." _

_I frowned. This wasn't news. I knew she loved me, but it was never quite enough. _

"_I love you too," I responded._

"_No, Blake, I _love_ you. I should've seen it earlier. We've missed so much that we should have shared and I know it's my fault. If I had known it could have been different. There were so many things you had in common, if only I'd been open enough to see it."_

"_You're scaring me." _

_She laughed nervously. "I'm sorry. It will be easier if I can tell you in person. Can you come today, please?" _

_I looked at the time on my TV-wall; it was still early morning. I could drive up and see her and still be back in time for work on Monday. Then I noticed the date. I knew I had to go. I couldn't deny her request on such a special day. "Yes, Bella. I'll be there as soon as I can." _

"_Thank you, Blake. Please hurry, I need to explain everything, I owe it to you." She sounded relieved. Her voice dropped lower and she whispered desperately, "I want you both with me, please." She almost sounded afraid. _Carianne must be with her? _I realised._

_I had a stirring of hope that maybe she was reconsidering my offer. I'd been begging her for months to try once more. I valued our friendship, but I couldn't deny my love for her. I knew fate had led me to meet her all those years ago. _

"_Of course," I murmured soothingly. "I'll be there soon." _

"_Thank you." The relief was evident in her voice. _

"_Oh, and Bella…" _

"_Yeah."_

"_Happy birthday."_

_~ 0 ~_

_I almost arrived too late._

_I had knocked on the door for three minutes and tried calling her repeatedly, all to no avail. Eventually, I let myself in with the key. I was greeted with a sombre silence. I searched the house and eventually found her in the kids room._

_Her eyes were closed and she looked at peace. I touched her arm and she turned her head toward me. Her breathing was laboured and her eyes could barely focus on me._

_"Edward…" she murmured. "You came."_

_I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't Edward. She looked so tired, and so very exhausted. Her skin was pasty and covered with a sheen of sweat._

_"I'm going to call the hospital," I whispered comfortingly._

_"NO!" she whisper-shouted as she reached out and grabbed my hand with unreasonable strength for how frail she looked. "It's too late. Just stay with me please?"_

_I nodded, tears welling in my eyes. My Bella was dying._

_"I know all about you," she murmured. "Thank you for everything you have done."_

_I leaned further over her, touching my forehead to hers. "I'll always be here for you, Bella."_

_Her hand reached up and stroked the side of my face lightly, watching me intently. Her eyes met mine and it felt like she was staring right down into my soul. "I should have known, the eyes should have given you away. They weren't the right colour, but they're your eyes, Edward."_

_I screwed my eyes tightly shut so that she wouldn't see my pain. It was the second time in our short conversation that she had called me by her old boyfriend's name. I couldn't deny the agony I felt that in her final moments, it was him that she truly wanted. He hadn't been there for her. He had been the cause of her sadness. He hadn't raced around at three in the morning trying to find somewhere that sold the ingredients for Harry Clearwater's fish fry because it was her latest pregnancy craving. He hadn't watched as she nursed our children. Yet I knew he was the one that held her heart._

_She shifted slightly beneath me before kissing both of my eyelids._

_"Blake, please…look at me."_

_I opened my eyes to see her smiling._

_"I know it doesn't make sense, but even if I had all the time in the world, I couldn't explain it to you. But know that I've always loved you. I will love you for as long as I know you will love me…"_

_Her voice was soft and she seemed to be struggling to breathe. I wanted to tell her to relax._

_Her head rested back on the pillow and she closed her eyes with a smile. "Forever. I'll be waiting."_

_I pressed my lips softly against hers and inhaled her last breath._

_My first instinct was to hold her tightly and tell her that I loved her over and over, but no amount of words would wake her up again._

_~ 0 ~_

In the days, weeks and months following her death, I had tried to work out what she meant in our last cryptic conversation. I knew she had known her time was coming, but I didn't know how.

When I met the unusual pixie-like girl with the short black hair and she had told me _who_ I was and how Bella had known, it hadn't made any sense. Even when I stared into the haunted black eyes that the girl had sworn were once mine—the black eyes which seemed so tortured—I had questioned her sanity.

But in my final moments…I knew.

I wasn't who I thought I was.

My life wasn't my first life.

I could recall everything Bella had told me during two lives that spanned many lifetimes. I could recall the letters she'd left me and everything she'd promised. I remembered my own promise and years spent watching over the children of my children. I knew I was the only one with a silent mind not because of any twist or special power, but because my thoughts were his thoughts. I remembered both longing for a human life with Bella, and how wonderful our life had been.

I am Edward.

_I am Blake. _

I was Bella's first love.

_I was Bella's only love. _

I broke her.

_I fixed her._

I couldn't offer her a family.

_We had three children together._

I loved her completely.

_She loved me in return. _

I left her for her own good.

_I let her drive me away whenever she needed space._

I understood. She was drawn to me just as I was drawn to her. Two souls inextricably bound, tied so tightly we survived and loved despite the pain we caused each other.

I regretted not knowing earlier.

I could have…

I would have…

_I wouldn't have changed a thing. _

I closed my eyes, knowing that the next time I opened them, I would see her.

She would be waiting for me.

_She would always wait for me._

~ 0 ~

_Blake Henry Michaels_

_May 1985 - September 2055_

_His Angel was Waiting_

~ 0 ~

**A/N:- Wow the responses to the last chapter just blew me away! I hope you enjoyed this one just as much and that it answers your questions (or at least the main ones) **

**I want to take a moment to say a huge thank you to Boydblog who began betaing this for me a few chapters in. I can hands down say that she helped me take this from how it could have been to how it is now. I want to thank her publicly for not being afraid to question me and for pushing where she felt a little _more _was needed and for taking on this story even though it was heavy angst & didn't have a planned HEA.**

**And finally about that...I know some people will regard this ending as HEA, others won't, but it is what it is ;)**

**I hope you have enjoyed this, I know I've loved sharing it with you. **


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